Day 52

As the days go on, it's strange how things change. We're all beginning to settle, and I'm not hating it.

I was stunned by a text on Monday morning from the mason I had contacted earlier in the week last week about tiling the downstairs shower. He had told me he was completely booked for the summer with outdoor projects, so I had been scrambling to find someone else to do the job. However, Monday and Tuesday were overcast and rainy, and well...that created a small window Monday and Tuesday to do it. So while this week began with me not having a functional shower downstairs, today...today, I ALMOST do.

I never thought this day would come, if I'm being honest. I spent much of the week just walking into my bathroom and staring at it. It has been torn apart for so long that I don't remember it being a "normal" bathroom. One that we use. I mean, it has never been one that the kids use, and no one has ever taken a shower in it on account of the kids hating showers and it having been a stand up one. So the fact that it's done and is in working condition is mind-boggling to me. I actually get to have a bathroom that I use where I don't walk into it and find myself stepping into a huge puddle of water, or picking up kid clothes or having to hide my things, because they have their OWN bathroom. And I...I have mine.  (Aren't before/after photos fun?)

Couple that with the huge change with the entryway project that I completed just prior to my last update, and I have entered this strange place of eerie calm. This place where I keep looking around waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it just doesn't. The past three years of my life have been so chaotic, going from what I thought was a failed marriage to job loss, to diagnostic exhaustion to crisis mode to shock to grief to more crisis and even more crisis and throw in all the renovations and I feel like I'm finally at this place where I can breathe, and it feels like I don't know how to do it.

I've been working my BUTT off for the past two solid years on upgrades to everything, and it's a really odd feeling when you've been muddling through it all along, and then you turn around and realize that all your hard work actually paid off.  In my experiences in the past, it always seemed like some huge, momentous occasion: Something I saw coming from afar and had goals and I'd know when the end was coming.  Right now, though?  I feel like it was a sneak attack and I'm caught off guard; I wasn't prepared.  I didn't know I was going to be done stressing about it. And to be honest, I'm kinda shocked. When you're regularly surrounded by little kids, it feels like no matter how hard you work at things, they find a way to wreck it faster than you could even begin to imagine. So for that to NOT have happened, and, in fact, for things to have gone well...it's weird.

I've been...watching TV. I've been making phone calls to terminate services I don't need or use.

I've finally been able to focus on the kids' school work that's severely tardy at this point. I don't have any more paperwork to fill out for the slew of childcare changes I've made, and starting on the 25th, I will be, once again, dropping all 4 of my kids off at the same place in the morning. I have food to last us weeks (and after a quick trip down to Iowa to meet my brother with a cooler full of meat from his butcher, meat to last me the whole summer now). I'm meal planning. I *don't* feel like I'm being pulled in 17 directions at the same time.

I get to sit down and eat breakfast and drink coffee on my deck in the morning. I made lemon blueberry muffins yesterday morning.

Sadly, in my experience, this phase doesn't last long at all, and I'm finding myself extremely cautious and waiting for the next enormous wave of crap to come. After 3 years of having severe swings, I just don't trust the calm waters. And considering how the past few years have gone, and dealing with FTD and the sharp declines it brings suddenly, I guess I'm just waiting for the next major dropoff.

And yet...I'm watching one or two episodes of This is Us a few times a week. And I'm doing final touches on projects. I'm fixing little things. I'm patching holes. I'm doing touch-ups. I'm actually sitting down to eat with my kids instead of running around doing damage control everywhere. I'm USING my grill instead of FIXING it, and while I'm grilling, I'm sitting back with a beverage on my patio furniture while the kids play in the yard. I'm beginning to go through paperwork that has been sitting on my kitchen counter for months, and decluttering bookshelves and toy bins and outside toys. The "Curb Alert" FB group has allowed me to get rid of all the kid toys that my kids have outgrown and we no longer need to clutter our garage. I'm cleaning out the old fridge in the garage and ordering the extension cord so we can plug it in and use it as a beverage fridge for this summer.

I've gotten back into seeing the small details instead of just triaging the big things to keep them together. I tightened all the bolts on the Adirondak chair that I meant to tighten shortly after assembling it...three years ago. Tightening. Strengthening. Nurturing. Tending to things that hadn't been tended to in years. Thursday morning I gave Ryan's poor little ankle a peroxide bath after he mentioned it was still sore from his wound from Friday evening the prior week and bandaged it up again. That's kinda how life feels right now: Like I'm finally able to tend to all of us without dangling by a string anymore. Not just dealing with the emergencies until the things that weren't emergencies are now emergencies, ya know? That's not happening around here right now, and I feel a little nervous even sayign that out loud.

I had my first afternoon off on Wednesday in three months, and it was so awesome! I had SIX HOURS to myself, which used to be something I had at least every few weeks in the past, but sometimes every other week. I got all of my exterior lights replaced, the rest of the tile purchased for my downstairs bathroom, and Mark's CPAP machine replaced (long story). I had sushi from Tokyo that tasted even better than any sushi I can remember. I picked up a drink from Dunkin Donuts (mainly because the line for Starbucks was INSANE). I went for a walk at Williams Nature Center by myself.

 

With today being Mother's Day and all, I couldn't go without saying how great the kids have been lately!  I think the major change of pace with the daycare switch is really settling in.  With the big boys starting in a couple weeks (and going twice this coming week), it's exciting for all of them.  Their new daycare is within walking distance to the river, which is so great, even if the parks aren't open yet.  I'm just thrilled with how God worked that all out. He knew I needed a break.  And I am FAR beyond thrilled to regain 15 minutes every morning with only having one drop off on the way to work, instead of two, with the second being way out of the way.

I guess that's about it for now.  Things are...goodish.  We miss Mark tremendously, of course.  I don't think I will get used to having to stand outside when delivering stuff to him at the facility.  He has been calling a bit more on video chat, but we sometimes go 2-3 days between chats, which is hard.  Then he'll call 2-3 times in a single day.  We're definitely all ready for this quarantine to be over and done with.

Too Fast

I called in to register my baby girl for preschool this past Monday morning.

😳

It's crazy, because I'm pretty sure she was just born yesterday. This stuff, guys - it's all moving so fast. Every time I think to myself how slow everything has progressed, something like this happens, and I just...I'm just...speechless.

Quite frankly, I'm mostly just surprised that they're even just all alive. Single parenting is so far beyond ridiculously hard. Throw working and managing Mark's care in there, and it's a miracle - nothing short of God's sustaining grace right there. Still, even with his help, this is hard. Every hour sometimes feels like an eternity, and yet, somehow so many of them have passed that my tiny little baby girl is going to start preschool this September.

I haven't broken down about it: These transitions with my kids seldom leave me weepy. In general, I'm not nearly as emotional a person as I have been in the past few years. Mark was the crier, not me. (Although he'd NEVER have admitted that to anyone - he didn't shy away from it around me, and he was the one with happy tears in his eyes as his first three babies were born, not me)

It's just...watching my kids grow up brings me joy overall (and agony at times), but seldom sadness. I miss my little teeny babies, but I don't want them back. It just blows my mind that in the midst of the insanity of the past couple years, they actually grew up! I hardly even have to make breakfast anymore, because if the kids want something, they tend to get it for themselves before I have the chance to even make it for them. They can wake up and entertain themselves before I get up if they wake up fairly early. They can all dress themselves (although the 4 year old pretends at times that he doesn't know how or has no idea where his clothes are). We're down to one single jogging stroller instead of a double. I'm throwing their baby toys at the curb these days. No more cribs, no more trying to figure out what they're saying. I even tossed out the toddler bike with training wheels tonight, because, well, for one, the back tire won't hold air, and I"m tired of buying new intertubes for it, but also...Ryan is way too big for it, and I planned on getting Kinsley a big girl bike for her birthday. Because she will be THREE in August.

I sleep through the night pretty much every single night. I mean...it has been almost NINE YEARS since I could say that (since even in my pregnancies, I couldn't sleep through the night).

How did I ever go from THIS...

...to THIS...

...and end up all alone in it?

I know that from here on out, if I didn't think life has flown by me before, it will speed up tenfold now. I'm not sure that I can say that I'm not ready to keep moving ahead, but I can say that it amazes me that so much happens so quickly.

I guess now I've got to actually REALLY tackle the potty training thing with miss Kins, huh? September isn't THAT far away!

Lately in Windom (May 2019)

Let's just say that May did NOT really start on the greatest note. Three kiddos ended up down with a nasty round of viral gastroenteritis. I was out of work (or working from home) for most of the week, and my dear sister was home with the younger two for a couple days (HUGE blessing!) while I jetted off on my 4 days of respite I had been planning for 3 months.

Seriously. It was miserable.



It felt a tinge indulgent to then leave for Los Angeles for a few days, but by the time I left, I only had one kiddo still down for the count, for which I was VERY grateful, and my sister was handling them at home. It wasn't really an option either, as I was actually on a panel for one of the sessions at the conference.

I spent a lot of time in the evenings as a kid living in Warsaw looking at this view. My Dad was the airport manager there when I was in Middle School and High School, and between going for drives up and down the runway to test to check for how smooth it was, going out for drives to look at the little red lights on the towers to facilitate the ILS (Instrument Landing System), we were at the little airport there a lot. This made me think of those times with my Daddy.

The AFTD Conference was on Friday, May 2nd, and it was INCREDIBLE! We all wished it had gone at least one more day. It was SO informative, SO motivational, and SO good to see some of these sweet people I had come to know. My FTD family are some of the most incredible people I've ever met. The AFTD put on an incredible event, and I cannot WAIT to go again next year in Baltimore!

This was the most fascinating slide for me of the weekend. It shows the three different ways that FTD can manifest itself. We aren't sure exactly, but believe that Mark has either the Multifactoral or Sporadic manifestations. What this means is that it wasn't just one factor that caused his FTD. What this means is that it was a combination of some sort of genetics that caused him to sort of fill the jar with some of the marbles, but until environmental factors entered the equation, he would have been able to hide the symptoms from showing with some sort of effort. What this shows is that for people with FTD, there is a LOT more below the surface that they deal with prior to any noticeable symptoms. And by the time the symptoms are evident to those around, the jar is already pretty darn full of the disease.

These two are some of my very best "FTD Spouse" friends. These two, along with my dear friends Erica and Brian, are the ones that I chat with almost daily on Marco Polo (or FB Messenger, since Steven is a total dude and doesn't want to do video messaging) and who have helped carry me through some very, very dark times throughout this past year. It was so, so good to meet Lauren and Steven, and I'm looking forward to meeting up with Brian in early June, and at SOME point I wanna make it out to Idaho to meet Erica. FTD Spouses are some pretty incredible people. You see the smiles here, but I've seen all the tears as well.
This gig is not an easy one, and we're all pretty broken, but hold each other together.

I cannot even say enough good about this book. My second morning in LA, I went down to the lobby, grabbed an iced vanilla latte, and sat and read. And cried. And learned. My goodness is this a good book.
If you've ever felt rejection or unwanted or not good enough...read.this.book. Seriously. "Uninvited" by Lysa Terkeurst. Get it. I promise you won't be disappointed.

I would go back to Manhattan Beach anytime! Lauren and I had an incredible time there!

THE BEST sushi I've ever had in my life. We ate SO much sushi for lunch this day. I'm not sure how we were even hungry by the day's end.

It gave me GREAT pleasure to push the "no" button on this prompt. Oh my goodness. I have spent many trips traveling with the infant in lap. It feels good to not travel with babies!!

So this was a thing. I wrote a few recap posts about it and my feelings and experience. It was exhausting after it aired, though!

Don't even ask lol Man, do I miss this lady! Kindred spirits, we are ;)

More of my friends from the AFTD conference. We had such a great time, and such fun conversation. We need to start planning another get-together. I think all of us have been in a slight funk since being back home.

Our first ever convertible carseat finally expired, so I had to re-do the straps on our backup one.
We had converted it down to a backless booster as a backup for the big kids before, so it took a YouTube tutorial to figure out how to to put it back together (after washing it, that is - man, those covers were NASTY!)

Even with a fat lip, you can't get this kid to stop smiling lol

If ever I wonder why I can't seem to permanently lose all this post-baby, dealing-with-FTD weight, I present exhibit A:

Another REALLY excellent study I just finished at the end of this month. I would HIGHLY recommend it.
My favorite takeaway point is that sometimes in order to be formed into something beautiful, we have to be broken into dust. That the potter can't form something beautiful from scratch until he has dust and water to work with to re-build. That the potter must have the shards and dust broken to the perfect brokenness before it can be re-formed by the potter's hands. #truth

How many Johnson boys can you fit on one jungle gym?

All I ever want for Mother's Day is one really great picture of myself with my babies. This one was a little questionable, but I love it :)

So.Grown.Up.

Love me some Greenwell Farms in the morning!

Cashel had to dress his buddy Creeper up for a walk down to the store and then to Island Park one Saturday morning.

If not for the shoes, I could have SWORN this was Cashel. Kendrick is getting SO TALL these days!!

One of my very favorite views in the spring :)

4 little kids in a grocery store on a Saturday morning...didn't go as poorly as I had envisioned, honestly.

Breakfast at Island Park is a favorite pastime!

It occurred to me how absurd it is that at this phase in my life, I saw this moving sale, and my first thought was, "Maybe I should get those walkers". See, there will likely be a phase where Mark doesn't walk anymore, or will need assistance. It's sobering.

This kid!

It's seldom I get these kinds of snuggles from my biggest big kid, but I'll take them when I get them :)

Farm afternoon with Grandpa!

Mark's Grandma is just the very best of Grandma's. I aspire to age like she does, and to love like she does. I want to be the grandma who has a freezer full of cookies to pull out on a whim: Whose grandkids rave about her caramel rolls, and who makes every single person she meets feel like they're special. I remember having a conversation with Mark's cousin on the way to a bridal shower a number of years ago in which I said something along the lines of Mark and I being Grandma's favorites, and it must have made her chuckle (or roll her eyes), because she was so obviously Grandma's favorite! That's just how Grandma Vi makes everyone feel. What a blessing to have such incredible matriarchs to follow in their footsteps.

A girl after my own heart: Take ALLLLLLL the cookies lol I guess it's just a side effect of growing up with so many big brothers, right?

What a wild bunch! lol Who do they belong to? #MyCircus #MyMonkeys

Terribly blurry pic, but all 3 of these sweet boys got to sing in church as part of the kids' choir.
It made me smile to see Ryan standing up there, not singing, not knowing any of the words, really, but smiling as big as day lol

I got to go up a few times this month to visit Mark without any kids along, which is always nice!

My breakfasts have definitely been different over the past year since starting the Omada program again. SO many more veggies and proteins.

Our favorite new spot for the summer! Mound Creek was just so beautiful, and the boys had a BLAST exploring!

Miss Jo Pants Jo here - she was just holding down the picnic blanket with snacks lol I cannot believe she's 21 months old already! I was a little behind on her 21 month update, but I love doing those ones, so I did finish it! Here's the link.

Don't be fooled - this girl - she is SO SASSY!! The stink eye lol

"Look, Mommy! The frog is giving the other frog a piggyback ride!"

This girl honestly thinks her actual seat for supper is on the table. Every single day, probably 6 times a day, I say, "We sit in our chair, Kinsley Jo".

My dear, sweet college roommate Mandy and I got together with our kiddos for a fun evening. It's so crazy to think that all these kiddos belong to us!

It's crazy to me that I've known this woman for 15 years now!

All the love :)

Painting with preschoolers is always an adventure!

Kendrick is the kind of painter where he paints specific things, and typically does not color in the background.

Cashel, on the other hand, he wants to make sure the whole page is completely full of colors.

Sometimes getting out the door in the morning, it doesn't occur to me to think about what's going on for the day. It isn't that I didn't think about Kendrick having preschool graduation (which, YAY!!), but it didn't occur to me to check to see what he was wearing for said graduation. lol Huge green bug shirt, sweatpants that were probably his brother's size, and his huge, clompy rain boots. Memories, right?

Another really big thing I've found since starting the Omada program is that I've completely changed the way I look at "treats". I never thought a single cookie could satisfy all 4 of my kids, but here we are, it's SO much cheaper, and the kids are just as satisfied. What's better, while they're good, I don't have as much trouble saying "no" to them myself, so I end up not eating sweet treats as much.

I LOVE the wildlife here in Minnesota. It's so cool when the pelicans are out on the lake!

If you hear someone screaming at their kids at the lake, it's probably me. I cannot tell you how many times I've washed shoes already this summer between the mud and walking into the lake with their shoes on...and it's May 31st.

A couple things about this picture. 1) When did my tiny baby get SO BIG! 2) All my boys now sleep with no shirts on, which I think is so funny. Cashel started it, and it took all of 2 nights for the other two to be on board.

'Tis the season! I actually really enjoy mowing, although I've got a few changes coming this summer to make things easier as far as landscaping is concerned, because since the addition of our fence, let's just say it's not quite so easy.

SO many words of wisdom from Lysa Terkeurst this month!

My favorite view in the summer #hammocklife

At what point are my kids old enough to properly wash the big ones themselves? Because I'm ready to train them!

I've got a LONG ways to go with this garage this summer. Hot mess express! But I did at least make it passable for a few days...

I've finally gotten smart enough to NOT stay up until midnight on Friday and Saturday nights, so I've thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday and Sunday mornings when I get to not only get in my quiet time with Jesus, but also get caught up on housework (or digital scrapbook pages) before the kids start to rustle.

It isn't often that the kids get to take the bus from home, but whenever my daycare is closed, they get to, and this was one of those days :)

It's so much easier getting ready in the morning when this one isn't up early.

I'm already tearing up a bit thinking about parting with this table set, but the kids have done a lot of damage to the chairs, and it's just time. To be fair, I've ALWAYS hated it. I remembered thinking when I first visited Mark that it would be one of the first things we'd replace. But then, we just never did. As with most of our furniture, it was one of those things we said we'd replace once we were past the little kid stage. Well let's just say that we never intended the "little kid" stage to last quite so long, and the table was pretty old when Mark bought it as a set (table/chairs, buffet AND china cupboard for $400) 17 years ago. It's time, and I know this, but it still leaves me feeling tremendously nostalgic. We had SO many family and friends gather around this table throughout the years; so many holidays and birthdays and family get-togethers. I'll certainly miss it, but it's definitely time for a new phase.

As an aside...if anyone has any great suggestions for better lighting options too, I'm open to ideas. I've always hated the light above there too lol

I love this little lady more than you know, but I think she's gonna have to be caged (i.e. in the stroller) for walks from now on. She is SOOOOOOOOOO slow. And I don't mean just like...she walks slow.
I mean, she'll legit lay on the ground to look at ants while the boys are a quarter mile up ahead slow.
I remember Kendrick being like this at this age, but that was when I had Mark to stay up with Cashel and I had zero other kids. I'm ready to lose my mind on walks, and I ALWAYS end up yelling at the end. Suggesting a race most of the time doesn't work like it did with Kendrick either: She gives us this major stink eye followed by legit rolling her eyes. She's 21 months. Lord, help me!

In fact, this is about the only way to get her to the final destination, and usually I have another huge chunk of hair missing by the time we get there, and my shoulders are really sore.

Cashel and Kendrick have been big into catching turtles and hedgehogs lately. Here are their traps.

They're also big into climbing our tree out front...

There's usually about 5-10 minutes during the church service that I can actually pay attention most Sundays (unless there is children's church): When they have the kids' time. I have 3 up there now, and that just blows my mind. Can you pick which ones? (hint: one of them apparently likes to pray fervently...or is taking a nap...)

I've gotten REALLY into veggies this year for breakfasts. However, I'd highly advise NOT to sautee up all the spinach during meal prep at the beginning of the week. #NotSoGoodHeatedBackUp

One meal ALL my kids ALWAYS will eat: Taco Salad.

I've gotta admit: Kinsley is by FAR my favorite kid to put to bed at night. She's the one who goes down the earliest, she hardly EVER fights me on it, and she's so snuggly then. And when I say, "Okay, it's time for sleep, Kinsley" she goes right over and crawls in bed and says "nigh night, Mama. See ooh in da mooooning. Uhv ooh, Mama." And that's it. And she always sleeps through the night.

Psych appointments are not so fun with Mark these days. I think I got in my 10,000 steps for the day during the hour wait time/appointment, and we sat for half of that time, if that says anything...

I didn't realize how much I thoroughly enjoy making food for people until this day. I got to join together with a few ladies from my church to make up some freezer meals for some of the families in our church who are expecting babies soon.

In case I was ever wondering if I'm loved...

So, so, so, so, so, so tired of muddy shoes...

She brings me SO much joy. And yet, I look at pictures from even just a year ago and I feel like I don't remember her as a baby anymore. I feel like it was all just a haze and while I remember living through those times, I don't feel it with clarity. A year ago was so, so very hard.

Why is it that when you take a picture of my kids, this is the response you get when you say, "Okay, look at me - right here - at my phone, guys!"?

The big kids had SO MUCH FUN fishing with my brother, their Uncle Josh, and their cousin Reign. We haven't been making it down for visits NEARLY as frequently as we'd like to, mainly on account of us always heading in the complete opposite direction to visit Mark so frequently. We're going to have to figure it all out, though, because they've been talking about cousins and the farm and fishing nonstop since getting back home.

Big cousins are just the very best!

An unexpected morning in Mankato to help calm Mark down ended up being a major jam session in the minivan (to For King and Country's "Joy", per Mark's request), followed by me sitting around waiting for him to try out all the bathrooms in the mall.

I got a note from one of the nurses from Mark's facility about the suggestions from his Speech Therapist pertaining to foods. He now has to have his food cut up into smaller pieces and served in stages, because otherwise, it poses a choking threat :( On top of that, they're now requesting that he not be served certain kinds of foods (i.e. has to have his grapes and beef sticks cut up, no more popcorn, etc.) as they increase the risk for a choking hazard. This is hard :(

This is what it's like the second I get home from my trips to Mankato. It takes the kids a few days to adjust to the thought that I'm not going to leave them yet again for another 5-6 hours on the weekends. I'm trying to work out a sitter schedule for the summer so that I can plan ahead and bring them along for some of these visits, but with Mark's continual declines, that's getting harder.

I've begun to perfect Mark's popcorn technique, and the kids approve!

Gotta get a bigger bowl, though, for the mixing. My Dad always used a paper bag from the grocery store, and I'm beginning to think that's the way to go!

It was such a HUGE relief for me to get this email from the nursing director at Mark's facility on Tuesday afternoon!

A few things about this photo: 1) I cannot WAIT to get my new siding up in July!! 2) At least I got SOME sort of help starting the project, right? and 3) Why on God's green earth can my kids not keep their stinkin' shoes on when playing outside? I find them ALLLLLL over the yard. Half the time they get left out when it's raining. They get left in the minivan. Seriously. What is wrong with shoes??

The goal is to replace the strip of grass as far out as the air conditioner all the way down. It'll eliminate SO much mowing, and it never really grows grass well there anyway, and just leaves me weed eating or mowing dirt.

Seriously, Lysa Terkeurst (this is from Uninvited) - SOOOO spot on to what I need to hear lately.

I forget how time-consuming this project is going to be. Also, I cannot wait until this section is all done and the fence is no longer covered in dirt!

Anyone else already so tired of turtle hunting this year? Anyone?

Found a slew of selfies (and some adorable videos) Cashel left on my phone. However, I've got to teach the kid to take a slightly more flattering selfie haha

If anyone is in the market for a new coffee maker, I VERY highly recommend this one :)