Lately in Windom (October 2019)

I really started getting back into the gym in October, and it felt so good!

I just can't handle the cute here. Kinsley was absolutely terrified of pumpkins this trip to the patch. I think the strong, brisk wind wasn't helping either, but it was so hilarious to watch!

I promise I picked her up immediately after taking these, but it was just so cute! I'm pretty sure this will be the canvas I have printed that will go up in the fall lol



Oddly enough, Kendrick just opted for a medium sized pumpkin this year. Hmm...

This big kid, however...he picked one almost too big for me to lift into the minivan!

Kins had finally settled down a bit for this one, but not for long!

I'm pretty sure these two took this little train no fewer than 5 times while at Grandpa's Fun Farm in Worthington. They were OBSESSED!

Goodness, how I miss this being Daddy taking the boys for rides! But Grandpa is definitely filling in those cracks for the boys!



The WORST part about harvest is how much corn ends up coming home with us. I'm not sure how many weeks after this I was still vacuuming corn out of our minivan.

Minus one :(

I just love watching these boys engage with their cousins! They have so much fun together!


This kid is seriously SUCH a hard worker! If there's a job to be done, he's on it!

These two are usually a lot of show and very little actual accomplishments, but it's cute to watch them try to help!

In fact, usually it makes an even bigger mess as opposed to any actual help lol

This kid and his expressive personality! lol

Seriously...the noise level in our house sometimes is epic. As much as I'm used to it, there are days where I finally just separate them all to their rooms and put on some music to drown out the whining.

My goodness, am I ever enjoying watching my little lady grow up. As much as she's my gauge for when life really began to fall apart, she's also my gauge for when God really started lifting us up, and while we've had deepest depths, we've also had some pretty tremendous highs. My only regret is that Mark hasn't been able to enjoy it as much with us :(

The school fall festival is always a hit with these guys!

Totally fitting that Cookie Monster would be eating...a cookie! Seriously...Ryan's favorite dessert of ALL times is a cookie from Hardee's.
No other cookie will do.

So that happened this month. I'd still consider myself a spring chicken, but numbers don't lie, do they? As an aside, I've had pumpkins and candy corn on pretty much all of my birthday cakes since I can remember. My Mom always put them on, and I just kept on the tradition when I began making my own cakes. I tend to not really actually eat them anymore, but still decorate with them.

Overall, although we're basically at the "two toddlers at the same time" stage of development, these two get along pretty well!

So THIS picture from pumpkin carving reminds me of....

...this one from when Kendrick was a toddler in 2014. ♥

Considering how scared she was of pumpkins, she seemed to have no qualms about gutting one lol

Jack-o-lanterns 2019

2 Observations here:
1) Apparently the "wear no shirts while eating spaghetti" thing has drifted on down to Kinsley as well. Thinking that may get a little awkward down the road...
2) We've entered the "occasional nap" stage, once again.

Of course, that reminds me of my favorite video of ALL times of Cashel lol

This one has been growing like a weed lately! As a result, I've found him napping a lot more, and half of the time, he's asleep before I even get around to putting him to bed.

We have SO enjoyed having Jody over for pizza nights. This was out first time since the kids switched daycares. Kinsley was NOT very happy when she had to go home.

This is what happens to your kitchen when you sell the china cupboard, but haven't come up with more storage or any sort of plan as to what to replace it with just yet: Zero storage for all the things.

Happy Halloween from this crazy crew!

All the heart eyes for this adorable little Elmo!

Reinbows nearby alwasy dresses up their horses for Halloween for the kid to come trick or treating, and I just love it!

We always have to drive on over to my boss's house for Halloween to trick or treat there. The kids have really come to look forward to going.

An Update on Me

It has been about four months since the last time I did an update on me, so I figured maybe it's time, since a lot has transpired.

For starters, in mid-August, I did have that sinus surgery, and have since healed very well. It has made a HUGE difference for me as far as just normal breathing, although I still wake up very tired some mornings, and mildly weary all mornings. With that, and with the advice of my doctor, I opted to have a sleep study done a few weeks ago. I have yet to get the results back, but the night of sleep was AWFUL, so I'm not sure what they will come up with. I have had 3 checkups since my surgery with the ENT, and have one final one scheduled for December 10th. If, at that time, the cobbling on my middle turbinate hasn't cleared up, I'll be scheduling another surgery before the end of the year to have it fall under this year for insurance, since we've met our deductible. So far, he says it is healing nicely, but he had hoped that would have cleared up by now, and doesn't want it to re-grow. That whole thought overwhelms me, because, well #kids, and then there's the whole not being able to drive afterwards and having to have someone take me there and bring me home, and, well, I have no parents anymore, and my family is busy, and his family doesn't live near here, and so that brings me back to relying on friends, and I love them all dearly, but I'm not at the age where my friends are retired and have kids out of the house, so it's just...daunting. Being a middle aged Mom to 4 as well as a widow/orphan...it's just...well, it stinks :(

But on a POSITIVE note: I finally decided that I needed to really get my physical health back as a priority and joined the gym for 3 months to see if I would really go, and let me tell you: I LOVE it! For the first time in probably 7 years, I feel like my body is finally back in the place where I can actually push my body without feeling like it's going to break. The last time I was able to really focus on that at the gym without any sorts of injuries has been at least 3 and a half years, and well more like 4 years if you consider I was pregnant before that. I sprained my ankle badly a week before giving birth to Ryan that didn't heal for 8 months. And then as a result of walking funny from that as well as a bad fall while carrying two littles in October 2018, ended up with a horrendous hip flexor issue that I didn't begin working to heal until December 2018. So...bad foot, and then bad hip, and praise the Lord, with PT and ART Therapy over the course of about 5 months, I can finally not just run, but do SPRINTS on the treadmill. I can legit sweat again, and it feels really, really, really good! I feel so much stronger, I'm slowly losing weight, and can just feel a bit more mental clarity.

I'm actually the lowest weight I've been in probably about 3 years, which is still a FAR cry from where I need to be (probably about another 20lbs to go realistically, but 30lbs ideally), but it feels good to finally not be bursting at the seams, even if I've still got more fluff in the midsection than I care to have. I've got some good, solid goals in for my runs (trying to get back to that 10 minute mile from 5 years ago), and that feels really good. I didn't realize just how much I had missed exercise until I was able to add running back into my routine.

Psychologically, I think I'm doing alright. Overall, I'd say I'm on the up and up, but lately I feel like the down days are harder for me than they had been. I started an anti-depressant about a month ago, and to be honest, I don't know that it's really even doing anything for me. I guess I do feel a little more hopeful in general, am getting way more accomplished around the home, and feel a little more engaged with the kids. Sometimes I wonder if the exercise is more effective than the meds are, and I've been hitting the gym for about 2 months. I think it has helped me with mental clarity a bit, but it's hard to know if that's the meds or the gym time or what. Time will tell, I suppose. I do feel like I have a lot less mental clutter, if that makes sense: As though my mind isn't caught up on all the things all the time, and I can get things done.

Emotionally, it has been quite a roller coaster. I think that's probably going to be the norm for me for the rest of my life, honestly. I waver between looking forward to the future to being whacked upside the head with reminders of what life was supposed to be like. I think a huge part of it is this feeling like I've got the heavy weight of grief covering me, and sometimes I feel strong enough to move with it on, but then I grow weary of moving with it, and I need breaks, and for a short while I get to remove that grief, but when it goes back on, it's just as heavy as before, but feels even heavier. I've had a much harder time lately when I go places with the kids and see families with a Mom and Dad together. Places like the Children's Museum in Mankato, or the park, or to the pumpkin patch last weekend. It's not like I can just stop going places with the kids and let us all get depressed, but I just feel like I've had a harder time lately trying to not focus on what we're missing. I'm certainly not depressed about it, but it does hit more intensely than I think it did a few months ago: The loss of what our normal was.

I'm nervous as all get out to be on a panel at the National Caregiving Conference the second weekend in November, but also looking forward to getting away without kiddos for a weekend, I suppose. I'm hoping to catch up with some friends while I'm out there, but time will be super short, which stinks :( I guess that's just kinda how it goes when you're spending half the time driving, huh?

I feel hopeful overall, and I still am so assured that the Lord has good things in store for me. I'm very, very, VERY much looking forward to November 1st, when I get a fresh start on vacation time for the new fiscal year, in hopes that I can take more half days or full days for some self care.

"Without You" and Making Lemonade

Disclaimer: This is one of those sad posts. I'm struggling to find the happy right now, so bear with me. If you can't do sad right now, save it for another time.

I don't even know where to start this post. It has been one heck of an emotional weekend for me, full of all sorts of realizations, many of which I can't even put into words, so it's all just still swirling around in my head. My therapist tells me that when that happens, that's when I need to write more, so I guess that's where I am. If this is all over the place, that would be why.

For starters, silent tears flooded down my cheeks for a large chunk of the way home yesterday from visiting Mark. My friend thankfully, was able to talk me off the ledge at that point (not that there was a ledge, literally or figuratively, really). Sometimes I just have those visits. And sometimes it's because I really miss him, and other times it's because I am just really overwhelmed. Sometimes it's because I try to figure out what on earth went wrong or what on earth I did to deserve this life right now. And how THIS is my life.

Sometimes we have "those" visits, ya know, where nothing really goes as planned, and while I've got a sitter for SIX HOURS, which seems like a long stretch of time, we end up seeing Mark for all of 15 minutes on account of the behaviors of the kids. We went to the Children's Museum to begin with, and I couldn't get the kids to listen, ended up losing them on account of them running in opposite directions and one by one running outside before I knew they were there, and left me frantically (and angrily) searching for them in vain inside. We ended up then getting to Mark's facility at the exact moment he was sitting down to eat, which is never great timing.

You'd THINK that after running around and climbing through the little treehouse thing at the museum, they'd be tired and willing to just sit down and visit with Daddy while he was waiting for supper, but instead, they ran amok there too, and can I just say that I'm super thankful that they have balloons there instead of balls? Or, rather, had balloons, because somehow every freaking time we visit, the kids pop all the balloons. (Sorry, staff at his facility!) At one point, I had to literally hold Kendrick to the ground and force him to look into my eyes so that I could explain to him that this is an assisted living facility, and he cannot go around kicking balls at the residents and playing the piano so loudly.

Cashel wasn't any better. And, ya know, it's so hard to know how to handle it. They had both begged to go see Daddy that day, but then they got there and ended up forcing me to barricade him in Mark's room while he ate to eliminate any more dysfunction and anxiety amongst the other residents as well as Mark. So we sat there and waited half an hour, then I shaved his face for him (and this time he didn't even try to help, as he usually does), after which he asked us to leave. And while I typically push back a little, this time I was just so done with the kids that I obliged. We maybe got to visit 15 minutes with him, and that was broken little pieces here and there.

And the part that bothers me probably the most about it is that it was the one day we set aside the whole week to see him. And it felt like an enormous waste.

We stopped to pick up Chipotle for supper on the way home, and the boys grumbled, saying they hated it (after which they actually tried it and LOVED it), after which Kendrick ended up dumping his entire serving in the back of the van because he was too busy playing his tablet to hold onto it when I turned a corner. So then he started in on the whining about how he was starving and needed me to get him more food. I had to stop at Cub anyways to pick up creamer that I swore I bought there (but I didn't, apparently, because they didn't carry it...learning to become dairy-free is really not fun), so we picked him up some chicken and potatoes and such and went on our way. They whined the entire day. The really annoying whining that you expect from toddlers, but they're now 6 and 7.5 and their whining is now louder. And to be honest, I was just really, really, really fed up with them.

They RUINED my only visit with Mark that week, and they didn't care at all, but instead started telling me what a worthless, angry, awful mother I was. And I know, I know, I'll get a hundred comments of reassurance that I'm doing it right and that's how you know - when they hate you. I didn't even want to take them in the first place, because that's how the last visit with them went too. But what bothers me probably even more than that is that I sit back wondering why I even care. Because if they hadn't been the ones to ruin the visit, Mark surely would have. The visits with him are never great. They're full of him leaving the room as you're walking into it, hardly wanting to really come near you, and then staring at you as if he isn't really sure why you came in the first place. However, when I ask him if he knows who I am, and he gets super excited and squeals and says, "You're my wife". And I ask him what my name is, and he gets super excited again and squeals, "Amy". And for me, having someone THAT excited to see me is worth all the rest of the agony of these weekly visits sometimes. And it still doesn't feel like enough.

So I basically spent my entire Saturday morning with clingy, frustrating toddlers who adore me so much that they are literally climbing all over me all the freaking time, to the point where I want to throw them down and walk away, but I can't do that, because that'd be child abuse, so I just learn to never sit down if I don't want people touching me. Because the second I sit down, there's some honing device they have that knows it, even if they're downstairs or outside, and they flock to me. (I mean, the one time I actually locked myself in my bedroom a few weeks ago, I heard Ryan, after pounding on my door for 3 minutes straight ask Alexa, "Alexa, how do I get my Mom to come out of her room" lol) I got to trade that for a bunch of ungrateful older kids who left me frustrated, scared, angry, and extremely embarrassed and disappointed, and left me coming home just wanting to throw them all in their rooms and lock them there all night.

Saturday was so freaking exhausted that I was really looking forward to Sunday. Today. I passed out easily and vowed that Sunday would be a better day. And it was, really, a much better day. But it certainly didn't start out that way.

See, back in December 2017, Mark an I attended a For King and Country concert in Sioux Falls, and since then, I've fallen in love with them so much! In my obsession with them shortly after that concert, I stumbled across this song.

Full disclaimer: If you don't feel like crying, don't listen to it. You will. Even if you're not a crier in general, you will.

Well on a whim this morning, I told Alexa to play "For King and Country", and the third song she played was this one. It took me all of the third bar before the tears started streaming down my face again. I knew this song. And I ended up sobbing quietly the rest of the morning, hiding my face from the kids, and trying to steady my voice when they asked me a question. Thankfully, I had already made them waffles, so they were eating.

I pulled myself together, got the kids in order for church, and headed out the door. I was able to compose myself during Sunday School and Church, but walked in the door when we got home and just went to my bedroom and sobbed into my pillow, playing the song over and over and over again. Kinsley came in, wiped the tears from my face and kissed me and then snuggled in. I love that my kids all are compassionate enough kids to know when no words are necessary and just being there and being held is enough.

I knew they needed lunch, so I got up, threw something together quick, and let them eat while I went back to my bed for a few more moments.

This happens, sometimes, in the midst of grief: These moments where you know you can't stop crying and you're going to be sobbing, and you simply can't keep doing it all day because it's not healthy for anyone involved. So right then and there, I decided it was time to stop crying, and I promised all the kids that if they could finish their lunch quickly, we'd go on a secret adventure. (Do you know how fast kids get ready when they hear the words "secret adventure"? lol)

So we did. I figured that the drive time to Worthington would at least give me time to dry my eyes and compose myself. And it did. And we really had a pretty wonderful afternoon. We went to pick pumpkins at the pumpkin patch at the orchard there, then went to Grandpa's Fun Farm for the kids to run around and play, followed by visiting actual grandpa at his actual farm and going for 4-wheeler and tractor rides.

And now I sit at home while they're all asleep, up much later than I really should be and find the tears still flow. The lyrics from this hauntingly beautiful song keep ringing in my ears, even long after I've stopped asking Alexa to "repeat the song".

Without You

What do you do when you don't get better
Strong arms get too, get too weak to hold her
Oh god, give me just enough strength to make it through

Sleepless, this madness is walking me out to the ledge
And stands there beside me, shivering out on the edge
And oh God all I, all I ask is a little relief, just a moment of peace

I don't want to live without you
I'm not ready to live without you
So let's dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more
'Cause I don't want to leave without you, without you

This thorn in my side, though it cuts and stings me
Has opened these eyes, I've never seen so clearly
And oh God, I thank You, 'cause You bring me to my knees, back on my knees

I don't want to live without you
I'm not ready to live without you
So let's dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more
Yes let's dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more

'Cause I don't want to leave without you, without you

I heard a voice from the other side singing
Hold fast, love lasts
As winter turns into summertime singing
Hold fast, love lasts
I heard a voice from the other side singing
Hold fast, love lasts
As winter turns into summertime singing
Hold fast

So let's dance a little, laugh a little, and hope a little more
Yes, let's dance a little, laugh a little, and hope a little more

'Cause I don't want to leave without you
No, I don't wanna live without you, without you

-for KING & COUNTRY (feat. Courtney)

Sometimes I forget just how much we ALL loved Mark. We did. And he absolutely adored us. And the problem with all of that is that with Anosognosia, he doesn't even realize he's leaving us. It doesn't register to him the way it does to the rest of us that he IS living without us: That we're living without him.