Word Vomit

I can already tell when sitting down to write this post that it's likely going to end up being a bunch of word vomit, because to be honest with you, I have so much spinning around in my head that I don't even know how to put it into coherent thought patterns.

It has been one of those weeks where as much as things are coming together, it feels like they're all falling apart: One of those weeks where everything gets done, but just barely, and somehow I'm falling into bed at 9:30 and passing out by 10 each night. It doesn't appear that a solid 7 hours of sleep a night is making a difference in my energy level, which means that there just must be excessive stress, right?

I mean, I know that an update is due, mainly on account of the handful of texts coming in lately asking how things are going. Responding to those alone is starting to wear on me, and I don't feel like addressing more than that without just updating, so...here goes.

I have no idea how everything is falling into place, but I'm trying to let go and trust all the people to do their jobs and tell me what my part is and just stand still otherwise. It's just that "standing still", in all actuality, looks like mad freaking chaos and FAR too much screaming and clenching fists with nowhere to go. It looks like my head feeling like it's going to explode numerous times a day on account of completely irrational preschoolers, and breaking down every night after my kids to go sleep because no one under the amount of pressure I'm under could possibly not leak some of the stress without literally exploding.

Can I pinpoint any of it, aside from generalizations without writing a massive novel about the happenings in a single day? No, I cannot. I don't want to whine, so I'm not about to, but I'll generalize by saying that my preschoolers are extremely lucky that they're as cute as they are, because oh.my.freaking.goodness. Having a 3 and a 4 year old at the same time is like you're in some sort of alternate universe where no one can talk at all except for whining and throwing tantrums and screaming nonstop and then hitting each other because they're tired of the other one screaming, in which case both are simultaneously at the same time. Like...the noise level in my home currently is so insane that I can't actually hear my brain explode, but I'm pretty sure it does numerous times a day.  Except for right at this current moment, because #ElectronicsForTheWin.

I'm not well right now. I mean, I'm not going to fall apart and do crazy stuff, but there is a lot of screaming at everyone to stop screaming and crying and I am using the phrase, "IT'S NOT HARD!" so many times in a day that I honestly do believe that my kids will etch it into my tombstone some day. It takes a LOT to break me, but for crying out loud, I'm there.  I am eternally grateful for a quiet Saturday morning, because the past few months have been anything but that.

I was looking back through old pictures while trying to sort them on my computer from earlier this year, and it's just bizarre to look at pictures from events like, say, Mother's Day, and to realize that I have felt on the verge of a breakdown so frequently in 2020 that I'm beginning to wonder how on Earth I'm still standing.

I'm tired. While everything is on the cusp of being finalized, nothing yet is that I'm really aware of, or if it is, I don't actually recall what it is anymore. So here's more word vomit about what I know - kinda like shaking all the stuff out of my head in a bullet point format:

• Mark is still where he is and that's going great, and the aides are so incredible and I want to send them all on a vacation after all this is done, because they are all incredible human beings who deserve the world, but I have no hours in my day to tell them so.
• The contract is finalized between the agency and the facility
• The contract is maybe almost finalized between the facility and the county. I think? Maybe it already is?
• For whatever reason, although I didn't request it, it appears that I only have to pay a portion of Mark's income for the monthly spend down, so I get to keep some, and I have no idea what to do with it, because I need to get somewhere in writing that it doesn't have to be specifically for him. A friend said it's for the community spouse (which is, I guess, what I am considered now - what a weird term). I don't even feel like I dare do anything with it aside from put it in savings, because apparently my surprises don't come in a couple hundred dollar form, but rather more like a $10-20K form, so I'm just going to continue to hold my breath and not do anything crazy.
• I feel like all these people are doing all these crazy acrobatics to make this work for us, but I don't know that for sure, and I feel like I'm super out of the loop becasue I can't talk to anyone since there is so much whining and screaming and so many tantrums that I can't hear myself think or speak, much less hear or speak to anyone else. I feel like there should be cake or pie or something? I don't know. People should be rewarded, but I'm not sure who those people are.
• My boys are CRUSHING school this year. I just have to say that. I mean, CRUSHING it.
• Kinsley is like some crazy genius who is using like 7 and 8 word sentences and she just turned 3. It's bizarre. She's like this tiny little human walking around bossing all of us around and instead of using words that make sense for her age, she's like using the harder phrases. Like...instead of saying "No, No want to", she'll say, "I don't feel like doing that, Mommy". Maybe it's the years of only letting her have a sippy cup of milk if she says, "Can I please have some milk in a sippy cup?" Now I kinda feel like a hardass, expecting my kids to say stuff like that. What in the world?
• Ryan has been EXTRMELY agressively playing with my hair for the past few months. Like...he is NOT gentle. He seems broody and angry and frustrated all the time. I have no idea how he's doing in school, since he doesn't talk about it, but he absolutely hates going to the county program that Kendrick went to. I don't understand why, but he's really battling a LOT of emotions, and my angry outbursts at the insanity of his demands and tantrums are not helping matters. Four is the worst for this kid. Really, really, really hoping that turning 5 changes something in March.
• I had to walk through with the county assessor (because, of course, that needs to be a thing in 2020 as well), and absolutely blew my own mind away when I had to show her all that had changed since 2015. Like...my head literally felt like it was spinning as I stood there in awe of all that, with God as the pilot, transpired since 2015.  Not looking forward the the tax increase as a result, however 😟
• I paid my state taxes and am waiting on my federal return from the whole audit of 2018.

I don't know. I'm sure there's more. Does anyone know how to get my kids' gut response to me being stressed out to be to NOT touch me and crawl in bed with me in the night? Because this Mama needs a little less physical touch from the littles these days.

On the upside, I am finally at the place where if I put on a movie for the littles and lay down for 15 minutes for a cat nap, the whole house doesn't end up in a bomb of flour and rice and milk and playing cards, and for that, I feel like it's at least some sort of progress, no?

That's all. I have nothing left.

Busy Days

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. The timeline is fuzzy in my head, but a LOT has transpired that basically winds us all the way back to the beginning, which makes me feel like we've basically just wasted 6 weeks realizing that we had to do what we tried to do in the beginning. Full circle doesn't really feel as cozy and warm as it sounds. I'm weary.

But...

At least from what it sounds like at the moment, nothing will be changing for Mark. He's currently still at the same facility with the same aides and all. I'm cautiously saying that all those prayers truly worked, guys! I mean, I'm still getting enormous bills from his 1:1 care, so I guess I can't say we're in the clear just yet, as everything isn't completely signed off that I'm aware of. 

I'm weary. Very beat down. Exhausted. I'm ready for a break. I don't know which way is up or down or any which way. I've had 2 breaks this month, so you'd think I'd be resting on a fluffy cloud, and yet, I'm not. Usually my "breaks" are spent just catching up on all the stuff that is important but impossible to get done with kids around. Things like...sorting through their clothes to move up to the next size and boxing up the stuff that doesn't fit. Inventorying their clothes to make sure they have enough of everything. Sorting and organizing paperwork to be sure I'm not forgetting to pay some obscure bill for $6.62 because I can't get their website to work right (which is unnerving to an appliation developer, btw), and can never find an envelope and stamp at the same time, but they are now ready to send to collections because nail debridement for Mark isn't covered by Medicaid. Yes, THESE are the things I GET to do when I get breaks from my kids.

Just as I was beginning to cautiously let down my guard, I got slapped with a notice that I'm begin audited for my 2018 taxes. I'm beyond ready to throw in the towel at this point. Of COURSE I would be. I mean, on the upside, I guess my "training" forced upon me by FTD has prepared me for all the worst-case scenarios to be thrown at me, right?

I'm trying; I am REALLY trying to remain positive, but what in the world is going on with my life right now? Couldn't they have turned in that audit notice back when it made sense, instead of 2 years later when I'm in the middle of all this other insanity? (But then again, that woudl've been a disaster as well, considering what I was going through at THAT point).

Then, couple that with a forwarded email from my insurance agent about the accident back in June with a super inciting letter from the other guy's lawyer who is claiming they want to come after me for all the things. I mean, I'm a pretty positive person overall, but when I begin to list all the insanity from 2020 for my therapist and I completely forget to list a freaking global pandemic or societal unrest or election ridiculousness at ALL, you can tell this year has been a rough one. I mean, literally everything else going on has kept me so busy that I haven't had time to really breathe and focus on any of that.

I'm thankful that our fall events have begun to wind down, and beyond thankful that so many were cancelled, as spending another day away from home wrangling 4 little kids who only listen part of the time, and never all at the same time...I'm ready for a long stretch of time at home: For "normalcy", whatever that is.

People say that I'll miss these days, so I continue to take a ridiculous number of pictures and videos of the kids (which Mark thoroughly enjoys seeing when I visit), and pictures and videos of Mark for us to relive someday when we want to reminisce. Still, I struggle to believe that I'll miss this in the way people really think I will. Will I miss my kids being young? Maybe? But not what my life is like right now or what it was like the past few years. I love my family, truly, but I think frequently throughout the day that I'm very much ready for this rainbow at the end of the storm, but am fearful that the storm is only part way over. The struggle is that people say this: That there is joy "ahead". I just have a very different perspective on the whole thing after watching my Mom succumb to Parkinson's for the last decade of her life.

I continue to try to just find and create joy in my life as it currently stands, because there is NO PROMISE that there is any bright rainbow at the end of this crazy during my lifetime. I used to think that was the case, back before my Mom died a long, slow, debilitating death from Parkinson's. She was a prayer warrior. She loved Jesus with her whole heart. And yet...her "rainbow" at the end of it all was heaven, and I think often that maybe that's what mine will be as well. I try not to be discouraged by that, to think that it will be this long, drawn out, hard life that ends in my 70s or 80s with a terminal diagnosis that takes me painfully and shamefully. But God doesn't promise us ease, and he doesn't promise us bright fluffy clouds of happy all the time. He doesn't even promise us those things in this moment.

So...the question is: How can I find peace in the midst of this unrelenting storm? Perspective, for starters. Perspective reminds me that I am having all my tangible needs met at this time. We're not starving. We have reliable transportation and a warm, comfortable roof over our heads. I've got a good job. The kids and I have good health AND healthcare at this point. My concern for our future is not whether or not we'll physically be alive, and we know that while we'll grieve losing Mark for the rest of our lives, this chapter in our lives, this actively watching him die...that will pass. We continue to have SO MUCH to be grateful for. And so, with Christ as my anchor, I rise again, I gather my babies, continue our routine, and keep pressing forward.

But man, we've got some busy days right now.

Lately in Windom (September 2020)

We started and ended the month here for Kendrick. We finally reached the point where he needed to see a pediatric Gastroenterologist for the issues he has been having for the past year. Truthfully, we should've been here much sooner, but we tried everything we could before now. I can thankfully say that we are on the up and up with the issues now and very hopeful that we're on the back end of the issue.

After the appointment and 4 days of a cleanse for the poor kid, I saw a drastic change in his demeanor. If you know Kendrick, you know that on the whole, he's a very happy, upbeat kind of kid. He's also extremely sensitive, and when he gets hurt, he lashes back. This was a really big win for him, and as such, I saw so many more smiles and giggles, and pure joy. He also began to take more and more interest in his photo books this month, and enjoyed snuggling up with me and looking through them.

Since he was undergoing an intensive cleanse, I had to work from home for a couple days on the front end of it, which was kinda nice. I couldn't do it all the time, but for a couple days, it was a nice change of pace.

We had a park date in September with our friends, including a crazy walk around Brewster, which, thank goodness is a super quiet little town lol

Nance-dawg and I taking a short hiatus from wrangling the kiddos lol

It is seriously so much fun having a little girl ♥

This was a BIG summer for this guy! He has grown so much, both physically and psychologically. In swimming alone, he went from gingerly jumping in water that he could touch in without getting his head very wet to legit jumping off the diving board and doggy paddling to the edge of the pool. He gained SO much confidence in September, and I really hope it can continue.

Soaking in the last hot evening of the summer!

Driveway fun lol Kendrick is full on beast mode here! It makes me smile thinking of how pumped up Mark would get at seeing Kendrick being all beefy and tough and helpful and kind.

I'm thankful that by the month's end, Ryan was no longer asking to be put up in the tree lol

My friend Jenna insisted that I take this personality quiz. It was pretty spot on in its description!

I know this is a weird picture, but somehow I wanted to document this occasion. This is the first time I've sent Cashel into the store with a short list by himself. I know he's 8 and a half, but it just seems like very "big kid" stuff. Thankful to live in a small town some of the time lol I NEVER would have done this in a city any bigger.

Some days I feel a little more fierce than others. Grief, guys.

I'm not sure what people think I'm typically doing with my wild and exciting summer evenings, that they consider me such a warrior, but rest assured, it's mostly laundry, dishes and housework lol

Ryan's face here describes pretty much exactly how the kids felt about being back to school.

It isn't often that my BIG kids play wrestle with me, but every once in a while... lol

So, Cashel has kinda reached this point in our dates where we've become an old married couple lol His requests are, "Let's go get some ice cream and go shopping, Mom" lol

I love it that ALL my kids now enjoy holding my hand when we go for walks :)

Okay, I'm going to preface this with they DID finally come and replace it. But seriously...apologies to my neighbors who legitimately thought that it was recycling day every day for 5 weeks, because it was 5 weeks and 4 phone calls as well as two emails, 4 lunch breaks, so approximately two entire hours of phone calls to get one flipping wheel replaced. It's the kind of stuff like this that kinda throws me far over the edge when things are already tense. ESPECIALLY when you've been kind and pleasant and understanding over and over and over again.

When you have one of those days where your hair and makeup are just on point, you take a picture lol

I pretty much always order fish tacos if they're on the menu.

So, so good to connect with other FTD Spouses. It feels like I've known them my whole life.

It has been probably a solid decade since I've had shoes this fun lol

Galena, I heart you!

It is so bizarre shopping for men's socks for my 8 year old.

I was so thrilled to find these mini kind bars. The big ones tend to be a bit more than I want both substance wise and calorie wise.

He has grown a tinge ;)

A vast majority of the time, I still can't believe my life from the past few years. One thing I've been so, so grateful for, in the midst of the fire, has been the friends who have rallied around me from afar. The trip last December to NYC where I was surprised with a day with one of my very best friends after she set me up to be on the Mel Robbins show was one of those memories that I need to be reminded of during this craziness. It was during that trip that I came to the realization that I actually really love myself. I love who I am: I'm confident, joyful, kind, thoughtful, and so much more. It was a stark contrast from who I have been allowing myself to believe that I am: angry, hateful, unkind, vengeful, selfish, and so much more. I've had some pretty ridiculous circumstances, and while yes, they have brought out the awful parts of me, I realized that I just really haven't been in any sort of environment to nurture the good parts in a very long time. But take away all the stress and chaos and insanity at home, I get to be who I truly am, and she's the kind of person I want to have in my life ;) So when I stir my coffee with this little reminder of that trip, it reminds me of who I am for a brief moment before my chaos begins.



#EveningGoals

Pretty sure I bribed them with tablet time to get this gem of them not beating each other up lol

Each of the kids has been going through an early riser phase while I'm doing my devotions in the mornings. Kendrick tends to crawl up on the couch or loveseat and just fall back asleep. Kinsley and Ryan like to crawl up in my lap and snuggle. Cashel is the only noe who sleeps until I wake him up consistently.

September was an extremely emotionally exhausting month for us. I had applied for Medicaid finally for Mark, and it was a lot of back and forth as to what was actually going to happen, but for the first half of the month, we thought he'd stay, and then for the last half of the month, we thought he was going to have to move, but we had no idea where or when. By the end of the month, we were fairly certain that he might get to stay, but nothing for sure finalized.

I have so enjoyed looking at my walls of Mixtiles throughout my home. Kendrick stole one of him and I off the wall, which is why there is one missing in the middle row. I forget sometimes that no one else ever really sees most of the pictures I take, as I don't post the vast majority of them, so it's fun for the kids and I to see them more regularly. Also notable in this picture: I finally got around to starting to remove the border from the kitchen. Obviously I've got a ways to go, but I like it so much better already! The border just made it so much busier in the kitchen.

I think often how odd it must feel for Mark to see the kids so infrequently and then see pictures of them like this. She has grown SO MUCH in the past year. It's hard to beleive that it has been 7 months since he has gotten to hold his little girl, but even when he has seen her, it has been either through a window or via video chat, and between her limited attention span and his, the interactions between the kids and Mark are pretty short these days.

The kids and I were bummed that so many of our favorite fall activities were cancelled this year, but we still made it out to the orchard to pick apples!

Little miss Kins had eyes much bigger than her stomach lol

The cart was so full this year there wasn't room for all the kids to climb in!

It's quite a stark difference from three years ago.

Dates with the kids continue to be popular. This particular day, Kinsley wanted some ice cream and a trip to the lake to look for fish and play at the park.

Our anniversary this year looks quite a bit different than in years past. I brought our wedding album and looked throguh pictures with him. He wouldn't lay down but what he wanted his CPAP mask on, but he did focus and look at the pictures, which was encouraging.

I usually get the kids festive jammies, but I never get myself any...until now!

Cashel decided to grab some junk food at the gas station and watch a movie for his date time.

She is SO TALL! That's CASHEL next to her!

I enjoyed a kid-free weekend, courtesy of one of our sweet babysitters and her boyfriend. Friday night was the only one I truly relaxed, but it was wonderful! I got to watch a movie that wasn't a kid movie (TWO, actually), and had some leftovers and got some organization projects done. It felt so nice!

Saturday morning, I got to spend THREE FULL HOURS with Mark! It was so nice to be able to just be there longer without having to worry about a timeline or anything. I don't recall the last time I was able to spend that kind of uninterrupted time with him, so it really made my day!

A little car sushi FTW!

I have very much enjoyed the trails around the Mankato area. This particular one ends in this view ♥

I also got to make a short trip to Minneopa Falls, and although the trees weren't in full color at that point, it was still beautiful!

My sweet friend Angie came over that evening and we pounded out 12 freezer meals in just under 4 hours! I was DEAD tired by the time we were done, but it has been WONDERFUL having all these options to pull from with pretty much no effort. THANK YOU, woman!

So.Many.Choices!

Wonderful, relaxing morning before getting the kiddos!

We really live in a pretty beautiful part of the country.

I got the boys these little woodworking kits that will start arriving monthly in hopes they can start to build things. They ate it right up, even if Kendrick was pretty impatient.

The littles felt the need to "help" as well. Oy!

The princess dresses are slowly fading away, so it's fun to see her still embrace them at times.

I've been trying to sneak away for short walks by myself on occasion without kids (before I pick them up from daycare), and it has been so great!

Kendrick is not the most avid reader, honestly. He doesn't enjoy it at all. It's like pulling teeth to get him to do his 20 minutes a night, and there is usually great weeping and gnashing of teeth. This night in particular, however, he embraced it and read the whole book without throwing a fit, and he was SO proud of himself.

These two ♥

We went back for Kendrick's follow up at the GI in Sioux Falls, and it went really well! He has been doing SO GREAT! He doesn't have to go back unless we have issues, but let me say: The kid has had all of maybe two accidents this month? I'm SO THRILLED, and SO IS HE!

I literally cannot even get out of my seat in the car without kids swarming me. lol

My kids keep breaking my mugs, but fortunately, TJ Maxx has a pretty great assortment of new ones.

I pray for the day when they can go back inside again. It hurts my heart, and I know it does Mark's too.

Just a little downtime at their favorite park in Mankato, after a quick jaunt up to drop off Mark's replacement CPAP machine.