Bedtime Overhaul

The past two weeks have brought DRASTIC changes in our house when it comes to bedtime. DRASTIC. ALLLLLLLLL for the better, too (at least in my mind).

See, I've always been kind of a pushover when it comes to bedtime. All of my babies have slept with me at some point, and I have worn myself ragged with poor sleep and just not taking care of myself for YEARS. And when I say "years", I mean literally six years. SIX. And that's not counting the 9 months of pregnancy leading up to it, because let's admit it: When you're sleeping while pregnant, you're not sleeping a straight 8 hours. Not even close!

Well, five weeks ago, shortly after Mark moved into his new apartment, I hired a bedtime helper, and she can attest to the fact that bedtime in my house was pure insanity! I feel the need to explain one single bedtime before I move on, so you can fully understand what it was like:

Bedtime before changes

6pm: Supper time! I beg the kids to come inside to eat, but they found the key to the snack closet, so no one is hungry, and they are wanting to play with friends outside, so I can't get anyone to come inside NOR can I get anyone to actually eat. I know this is going to backfire about 2 hours from now when they SHOULD all be asleep, but instead they're claiming I never fed them. Kinsley eats, however (which consists of her putting food in her mouth, tasting it, and then spitting it out), and Ryan takes about 4 bites of whatever he's eating.

6:30pm: I clean up the food the babies and I ate, and Ryan screams at me wanting to go outside, but I'm just too drained to keep up with him. Kinsley had been up for a grand total of 3 hours in the night the night before, so I was a zombie, and I suddenly realize that the big kids aren't in the neighbor's back yard like they had told me, so now I have to go figure out where they went. I open the door and hollar for them numerous times, having to walk between the back yard and the front yard, and finally they come running out of the garage and into the house. Thank goodness, because my alternative was to drag the babies out with me (or strap them in the double stroller) and go searching the neighborhood for them. (Granted, they're only ever at two houses, but they don't really listen to me these days, so their "no going inside unless the parents agree it's okay" rule is out the window with these two).

7:00pm: I tell them all to get jammied up, and I get a bottle for Kinsley and get her in her pjs. Ryan runs around like a crazy person, desperate to get out some energy that he wasn't able to get out because he wasn't able to go outside like his big brothers earlier. I glance downstairs to find that someone ended up leaving through the garage again (or did one of the neighbor kids come in? I wouldn't know these days.) because the door is wide open, and as I'm finishing up changing Kinsley's diaper, I see Ryan run out through the door. Outside. Argh! I put Kinsley down, make sure the baby gate is securely closed, then race down the stairs to grab him and bring him, kicking and screaming, back inside and down to his room to get his jammies on.

7:15pm: I tell the big kids I'm "serious" that they need to have their jammies on, and instead they think it's a good time to drag a popsicle out of the fridge and give one to Kinsley out on the upper deck. (Side note: the upper deck is my sanity! They can't get down to the yard from it, so they can be outside, but they're contained). Yeah, she's COVERED in popsicle, so I get to change her jammies. Again. By the time I get her changed, I notice they then gave one to Ryan. (It might be the same one Kinsley had...not sure), but thankfully, he just needs to wash his hands and face.

7:30pm: Kassidy arrives (thank GOODNESS), and I hand her Kinsley, and thank goodness she likes her! I take Ryan down to his room, while reminding the big kids to put their jammies on again, and hear the garage door close again. Kendrick went outside, because he saw the neighbor kids and wanted to "tell them something real quick". Grrr!! I run up the stairs, telling Ryan to stay in his bed until I get back (which - ha! That's never going to work!), and basically drag Kendrick into the house, kicking and screaming, and close the doors, locking them, and yell at him to get his jammies on, "NOW!" He refuses, and throws a huge tantrum, but I have to get Ryan to bed, so I ignore him and go back downstairs to attempt it. We read half of one book before he gets up and runs out of the room, chasing Kendrick, who came down with more "snacks", because I "didn't give him any lunch". (Of course I didn't, right?)

8:00pm: Kinsley is the only one asleep, and coincidentally, she's sleeping on my bedtime help, and refuses to go down anywhere but in her arms (she has tried 4 times now, and each time, she jolts awake the second you move). Ryan is wired, and he and Kendrick are jumping on Kendrick's bed while Cashel complains that he never gets to read books anymore, and stomps off to his room. I yell at Ryan and Kendrick to "stop it already, and go to their rooms". Kendrick goes into he and Cashel's room, and starts being loud and disruptive. Note, neither he nor Cashel have their jammies on yet, so I yell at them to "put your jammies on, brush your teeth and go potty and GO TO BED ALREADY!" Guess what NEITHER of them do? I'm almost done caring at this point.

8:15pm: I drag Ryan back to his room, and he whines and fusses, and eventually I give in and just bring him up to my bed for the night. I lay down with him, and have Kassidy bring in Kinsley, and lay there while Ryan plays with my hair on one side and Kinsley nurses back to sleep on the other. I'm stuck, so I send Kassidy downstairs to try to coax the boys to get their jammies on, and somehow, she's successful. Cashel was halfway there when we got down, but Kendrick is mad because he wanted to take a bath, and he's starving because he never got any supper (of course), so I tell Kassidy she can get them a small snack before bed, as supper was too messy to just start eating 15 minutes past bedtime.

8:30pm: The babies are still restless, and I can't get up, but Kassidy's hour is up, so I send her on her way after she at least has the big boys in their room.

9:00pm: The babies are finally sleeping, so I get up and go downstairs to find a DISASTER in the big boys' rooms, and both of them sleeping in Cashel's twin bed, Kendrick with his legs and arms all over Cashel, and Cashel curled up against the wall. Both of them look horribly uncomfortable, but they're both sleeping, so I situate them a little better, then pick up a few things to clear a path to the door, and turn off the light and go up to shower, thinking to myself that it's a successful night because they're all asleep by 9pm!

Now contrast that with what we have going on right now, and WOW!! Our counselor noted that sleep was a MAJOR issue, likely causing the vast majority of our issues in the home. After talking things through with her and Cashel, we discovered that we needed to make some changes in order to make bedtime more successful and less stressful. The major physical changes we've made since then are: Moving Ryan to Kendrick's old room. Moving Kendrick out of he and Cashel's room with bunk beds to the nursery. Moving Kinsley down to Ryan's old room and setting up the pack and play for her. Also, we added more structure to our routine, so there is a predictable time for everything. I'm still working on some visuals so it'll be even more clear for the boys.

Bedtime after changes

6:00pm - Supper time! I hid the key for the snack closet better, and they're all hungry, so when it's time to eat, they actually come right inside, wash their hands, and sit down at the table. We pray together, eat together, and when they're done, they put their plates in the sink. I tell them they can go back outside to play if they want, but they need to be in by 6:30pm. They opt to stay inside and play amongst themselves.

6:30pm - Family time! I decided that 7:30pm was just too late to be beginning the wind down time, so the house rule is now that 6:30pm is inside family time. The boys know this, and when I say it's time to come in, they usually do these days. (Note I said "usually", not "always" - we're working on it). The boys come in, get in the shower (or bath) and get cleaned up, then their jammies on. By then, it's...

7:00pm - Snack time and quiet time in their rooms. Somehow, the boys are ALWAYS hungry, even if we JUST ate, so I decided to stop being surprised by this and scheduling snack time before bed...and actually having snacks on hand. We moved Kendrick upstairs because he was scared of being downstairs, and Cashel voiced that he was frustrated with Kendrick's bedtime stalling tactics that caused him to never get to bed on time. Cashel told us in counseling that he wants to go to sleep earlier, but Kendrick keeps him up, so we opted to move Kendrick to the only other place he'd sleep by himself: the nursery room. Now that both big boys have their own rooms, they have no trouble staying in there and playing with toys quietly, doing puzzles, coloring, or using the new rice and macaroni sensory bin we put together after Cashel went crazy for the one at the counselor's office. Ryan joins one of them (usually Kendrick) for this quiet time while I put Kinsley down, unless I have Kassidy over, in which case she reads to Ryan.

7:15pm - Kinsley's bedtime. I read her 2 books while she has her nighttime bottle, turn off the lights, sing her a song, pray with her, then give her lots of kisses and hugs and put her in her pack and play. I purchased a pack and play mattress (I had NO idea these were a thing), and then put her down. She fusses for a few minutes, but I tell her goodnight, then walk out and close the door behind me. She is asleep in less than 5 minutes.

7:25pm - Ryan's bedtime. I get him a cup of milk, then we go down to his room and read books. I remind the big kids to brush their teeth, go potty, and pick out books for me to read for them, then they go back to their rooms to play. Meanwhile, Ryan and I snuggle in his bed, read his books, then go brush his teeth, make sure his diaper is still dry, and then lights out. We sing a couple songs, pray, and I let him play with my hair for 5 minutes. Then, I get up, telling him it's time for bed, and Mommy will see him in the morning. He fusses, saying, "Miss you! Miss you!" or "Mommy bed! I wanna to Mommy bed!", but I put him back in bed, telling him it's time to sleep, and I will see him in the morning. He tries to get up to follow me, but I close the door behind me and say "Goodnight" again, and within 5 minutes, he is laying quietly in his bed, either asleep or close to it.

7:40pm - Cashel's bedtime. We opted to do Cashel before Kendrick, because well...Cashel generally takes a lot less time than Kendrick does, and he's more willing to actually go to sleep. I crawl up in his bed (the top of the bunk bed), and we snuggle in and read either one longer or two shorter books. We talk about his day for a bit, we sing a song, pray, and then a hug and kiss and I get down and turn off the light. He likes to have the door open, so I leave it open for him and go upstairs to do bedtime with Kendrick.

7:50pm - Kendrick's bedtime. We quickly clean up the toys (or crayons) off his floor, then crawl into bed and snuggle up to read his two books. He still tends to be a little distracted at book time, but we'll get there. He much prefers to talk about all sorts of things, so we visit for a little while, then discuss if he wants the lamp on or off while he goes to sleep. We turn the overhead light out, then sing a few songs, pray, and he asks if I can sleep with him. I tell him I can't, but that I'll be right next door. He seems okay with that.

8:00pm - Everyone is asleep except me, so I shower up, get my jammies on, and either tackle the kitchen (sometimes I wait until the next day), tidy up a bit, cycle through a little bit of laundry, or just take time to myself. I blog, or I read, or a watch a short show on Netflix. By 9pm, I'm growing a little sleepy, but now that everyone in my entire house is actually SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT (!!!!!!!!!!!), I decide I could stay up a bit later, because I don't question if I'll be up 3 times in the night like I was previously. I work on a couple digital scrapbook pages. I wish I could call Mark and chat about our days, but alas, with FTD, he is either fast asleep, or trying to sleep, and well...he isn't particularly chatty anyway :( I'm in bed, mostly asleep by 9:45pm, and I don't wake until 5am, when I am up for the day.

As you can see, it has been HUGE! I'm so thankful for the advice of our wonderful counselor! I don't know that I would've seen what a detrimental thing co-sleeping had been, or how horrible our sleep had really been if I hadn't had her look at it differently. I am absolutely LOVING this whole sleep thing, and I am SO much more focused and active than I was even just three weeks ago as a result. I'm working my way back up to a full 8 hours, but after approximately 7 years of poor sleep, even 6 straight, uninterrupted hours of sleep feels absolutely amazing!

A New "Normal"

The past couple years in our house have been a little abnormal. They became so abnormal that abnormal seemed...well...normal. Deep down inside, I knew that it was anything BUT normal, but still at the end of the day, it was our routine and it was what we expected, and we knew how to deal with this form of abnormal. This past year, however..."normal" was changing so much around our home that NO ONE knew what to expect.

We went from "normal" being we're doing all the same things but without quite the same bit of heart to "normal" being that I clean up urine from the bathroom floor and toilet seat 8 times a day and still wake up with a puddle on the floor, watching my kids like a hawk in the presence of my husband, getting all my kids ready on week days while my husband can't figure out how to sleep, and putting all 4 kids to bed by myself while my husband watched TV in the other room, laughing and eating all the snacks.

"Normal" was the kids getting angry because Daddy took all their snacks from their hands and as a result, them hiding, making huge messes behind the couches or under their beds. Hiding. From Daddy. Hiding food. Talk about messed up views of food and home life!

Our "normal" now is full of adjustments. I think I've re-arranged our living areas and bedrooms no fewer than 10 times in the past year. It's insane.

• Moving Ryan down to the toy room and moving the toy room to the downstairs living area in June 2017 to...
• ...Setting up Kinsley's nursery to...
• ...Moving Kendrick in to Cashel's room to...
• ...Moving Ryan down to Kendrick's room to...
• ...Moving Kinsley's nursery into the living room for new carpet to...
• ...Moving Kinsley back into the nursery to...
• ...Moving things around to make room for our new furniture to...
• ...Moving a lot of old furniture out to the curb for city wide clean up to...
• ...Rearranging the downstairs living room to...
• ...Moving Mark up to Mankato to his new apartment to...
• ...Moving our master bedroom out into the living room for new carpet to...
• ...Moving our master bedroom back into the bedroom a few weeks later to...
• ...Moving Kinsley's stuff into my room to...
• ...Moving Kendrick's room to the nursery to...
• ...Moving Kinsley's room down to Ryan's old room.

To say it has been a process to get our home settled is a huge understatement. Things STILL aren't quite where they ought to be, and I still have a million things running through my mind, but there are significantly fewer things to do than there were a year ago. In fact, a year ago I had NO idea what was coming at me, and it's incredible to see the blessings of a year ago.

A year ago, Mark was suspended from his job: Four days later, he was terminated.

A year ago, I knew something was kinda off, but I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I was angry. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated. I was very, very pregnant.

A year ago, we only had 3 kids, and I still wasn't sleeping well. I was up many nights with horrendous insomnia, but I didn't label it as anxiety, which I know now is what it was.

A year ago, we thought this was a bump in the road that would be for the better good. Maybe we'd just be entering a new phase, and Mark would find work elsewhere and we'd just have to move. Maybe he just needed some counseling to help deal with the responsibilities of our growing family.

A year ago, I had no idea what Frontotemporal Dementia was, and I had no idea how things were going to change.

One. Year.

So now...it's a learning curve to not only be a single Mom, but to try my very best to make the best decisions for my family. Decisions about meds and care plans and schools and home repairs and improvements. Decisions about what's for supper and what summer activities to participate in. Decisions about holidays and how on earth to keep everyone alive. Decisions about how to spend our money and what appliances to upgrade now and which to wait for; Whether to upgrade the van or sell the jet ski or how much to ask for the vehicles we sold or if we should get a family pool membership for the summer. The decisions are overwhelming at times, but they must be made, and I have to be the one to make them.

It does give me great peace to know that Mark feels at peace with me in charge of things: He trusts my judgment. I'd like to think he feels proud of me and how far I've come this year, even if he can't verbalize that all the time. Still, I feel tremendous pressure to do things "right" by him when it comes to caring for him and for our family.

Our new normal includes regular visits to a family therapist with the older boys. Our new normal includes significantly simpler meals. Our new normal includes what I believe will finally be our last major room switcheroo and now figuring out how to do bedtime with four kids that doesn't last 3 hours every night. Our new normal requires family vacations to be with only a few of us at a time. Our new normal requires help from people who don't have a vested interest in my kids, as they aren't their own. Our new normal opens us up for tremendous scrutiny, even if just internally.

One of our first major adjustments as a "normal" for us has been weekly trips to Mankato, and not seeing Mark every day. It has been four weeks now since he lived with us in Windom, and we've been up to visit him a handful of times since then. Still, even with multiple video chats daily, it feels like we don't see him nearly enough. Even if we don't say it every day, we all miss him every day. The boys don't verbalize it like they used to right away at first, but they do still occasionally. Ryan talks more about him than he did a month ago, mainly because his language is just exploding right now. He likes to talk about "Daddy is a comin' a get me" (as in a playful way) or "Daddy a tiggle me". They are all still VERY excited to see Mark on the weekends, but the big boys struggle between seeing Daddy and getting to play with their neighborhood friends on the weekends as well. To be honest with you, we forget just how bad it had gotten before we moved Mark. We still all desperately miss who Mark was before dementia.

He has progressed very fast, and it still doesn't seem possible to all of us that he is still so far gone already. I feel like at this point, I've stopped looking for glimmers of hope, but I've also reached a point where that's okay. I've been encouraged by so many in the online support groups that I need to just keep on loving Mark and letting him know I care all the time, even if he doesn't seem to know how to reciprocate. To keep letting him know we all love him and are there to support him.

Another "normal" thing we've gotten back to is our evening meals together. It doesn't happen every day, but most of the time, by the time we eat supper together at 6pm, we all actually sit around the table together again. We pray again. We sometimes hold hands. We talk about our day. We talk about what's going on that week.

My new normal includes two drop offs on M-W-F, as Cashel goes to a different day program those days so he can make it to his summer activities. THAT means that I have 15 minutes less time with Jesus in the mornings. My new normal includes grocery pick up (and SOMETIMES even delivery) for myself, and grocery delivery for Mark twice a week (so it spaces out his snacks, so he doesn't gorge himself and then have not hing left the rest of the week).

My new normal includes not just one, but TWO housekeepers for a total of 5 hours per week. It includes a bedtime helper, at least until we can get a solid routine in place. It means that a lot of the time, the dishes get left in the sink and on the table, and sometimes the food goes bad because I fell asleep putting the babies to bed and forgot to put the leftovers away. My new normal includes the occasional late payment fee, because I completely forget about that one bill that got stuck in that one folder that I was supposed to be paying attention to, but that Ryan threw on the floor of the van and it got kicked up under my seat in the van. It includes insane piles of laundry. It includes a review of how on earth to parent my kids, because I flat out know I've been doing it all wrong and need a little advise.

There is so much more to write, but I'll never get this posted if I don't just end it here.

To end, however, I'll say that we have equal amounts of joy and sadness these days. But there is more stability and peace overall. There is much less strain. However, the sadness most certainly outweighs the joy in severity, and I feel like I've got to work on that. I've been grieving this loss for so long that it hardly seems real. I know so many of you can hardly believe what it must feel like to be in my shoes, but I've got to say that I still can hardly believe it myself. I'm still coping with the shock and sadness and just raw hurt. I usually can make it between 7-10 days of feeling pretty okay, and then it just washes over me again and again and again. I'm really not quite so sure that I'll ever really make it through. However, I do know that I'm growing because I'm not hiding it from my kids anymore, and I think that's okay. I think they need to understand that we can be sad and have those sad emotions and we can cry and process how that all feels, and that it DOESN'T make us weak, but rather strong. I want my kids to know that. I want them to know that when we are crushed and sad and just overcome with grief, we can cry about it and ask God "why" and be stronger for it. I don't want them to think that it's healthy to keep it all pent up inside. I think keeping it to ourselves weakens us, especially because it takes away a part of ourselves that we could otherwise be using for good elsewhere. It's okay to be vulnerable and just keep standing back up, to just keep going places with my brood of crazies. It's okay to not know what the future holds, so long as we know without the shadow of a doubt that the Lord is leading us wherever we go.