Lately in Windom (December 2020)

Christmas Shopping Date with Kendrick was so fun! He did such a great job picking out things he knew his siblings would love.

Kendrick is my milkshake guy. Everyone else likes sundaes or blizzards or dilly bars on our dates, but Kendrick ALWAYS picks a strawberry milkshake.

New wall decor, new haircut, and I'm still just so pleased that I added that small window in my bathroom for all that natural light!

So, yeah. We attempted this. We barely made it through stop #1 at Falls Park before peeling out of there and going straight home. I'm not so sure I should attempt it with kids ever again. Praying the Kiwanis Lights in Mankato are open again next year, because this search for lights was EXHAUSTING.

I was so pleased to still get these from the kids' preschool before things shut down again and switched to remote learning.

Trying to soak in as much outside time as I can before the snow flies. We made it all the way until the 23rd this month, which is CRAZY! We had some in November, but that disappeared, and we had temps in the 30s and 40s much of the month! BEAUTIFUL!

It was a little bizarre shopping experience at TJ Maxx during the pandemic. I hadn't been there since they closed their changing rooms, so I just found a spot, took off my sweater that I had on over a tank top, and started trying things on right there. This one, while cute, I wasn't fond of since it hit me right at my hips.

Some of the stocking stuffers for Mama didn't quite make it to the secret closet before the kids found them. Seriously. I've got to lock up EVERYTHING. I'm tempted to pull the knife block back out just to have enough space for other stuff.

I know a lot of my pictures are of Mark smiling, but the truth is, most of the times I'm with him, he looks like this: A little out of it, kinda scared a bit, and his eyes are just so glassy and distant. I don't ever mean to paint a nice picture as if these visits are heartwarming, I just don't ever want to put pictures out there that would be embarassing to him. Most visits, I try to talk to him or visit, and he just walks away, or he lays down and falls asleep, or he just stares at me as if he has no clue. His glasses and pants are constantly falling down, no matter what size he has, and no matter how much I tighten the glasses. It's hard. But I'm not about to stop visiting just because I don't really get much out of it. If there is any iota of him left deep within, I want that tiny iota of a person to know that I still love the part of him that's left, even if I can't see it.

The most exhausting part of single parenting is when you just want to crash after doing all the things for a few minutes (i.e. working, making supper, cleaning up supper, laundry, etc.) and you can't even lay down without someone jumping on your back.

I literally cannot leave anything unattended. It feels extremely odd when I have downtime without kids where I don't have to be hyperalert at all times.

Goodness, do I ever love this woman! I am so ready to have another night out with her at the winery, if the state would ever open back up again.

We went to the lights at Falls Park in Sioux Falls on the 5th, and I'd like to say it was magical, but alas, it was a hot mess. Taking the kids to a place with waterfalls in the dark with lots of people and Christmas lights and then telling them to "stay close" and "stay off the rocks" and "don't go near the waterfall" was apparently akin to me "only doing things to take pictures" and "crashing hopes and dreams" and "never getting to do fun things". Oy! I really do try to make memories, guys, but apparently I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Our Christmas cards this year!


The little two were HUGE into helping in the kitchen with meals and goodies in December.

Me after a weekend morning with my kids. When people say things like, "TGIF!!!" I usually just kinda chuckle. The weekends are MUCH more insane for me than my weekdays.

I need a center island so badly in these situations. So much fighting and hurt feelings, all just to freaking cut out cookies.

This part went marginally better, thankfully.

It's slowly getting eaiser. The kids didn't actually want ANY help decorating them.

Video chats are fewer and further between these days, but we try to enjoy them when we get them.

Ryan's date afternoons ALWAYS involve a cookie from Hardee's.

Merry Christmas to Cashel, Kendrick and Kinsley from Ryan lol

The kids didn't get to visit to see the tree in the courthouse like other years with preschool, so I made a stop to check it out with Ryan on his date. So beautiful!

We had some INSANELY gorgeous sunsets for a few days in a row.

Every once in a while I come across a card from a while ago (maybe even a year?) that I had read, and that kind people had sent money in, and I set aside because I wanted to remember to somehow thank these people who I don't even know. It's kinda fun coming across them now (when I finally clean out our closet full of papers or what not) and remembering that even people I don't know (or at least don't know if I know) care.

After NINE MONTHS, my big boys finally got to go visit their Daddy in December! I took Cashel on the 10th, and it was truly so sweet. We stayed for a couple hours and just hung out with him.

The Reese's may have not been the BEST idea. We thought with them being small, and the package being small it'd be okay, but he basically emptied the entire box into his hand and tried to eat them all at once.

It is so fascinating to me to come across papers like this, where we see that Mark can still write fairly coherently, yet he can't speak. This one I definitely brought home for our memory box.

Mark's facility got a couple of these motorized cats, and when Cashel brought this one over, it made me really sad for a bit :( See, when you have a husband in assisted living, you get to know the other residents living there over time. When they first got these cats, one little lady really clung to it, and she loved to carry it around. Well, since COVID began, this sweet little lady passed away. It's hard enough not getting to see Mark as often as I'd like, but it's those kinds of things that hit me, when I am gone for so long. Mark may have declined, but not to the degree that the kids were scared of him or anything. But when I'm there and she was there, and then when I come back, she's gone...it just feels so much more raw.

They also now have a pet dog in memory care! Meet Parker! Cashel and Mark and I all got to pet her (him?! I didn't ask), and it really lifted my spirits.

I am NOT a hat person typically, but I think I actually kinda pull this one off!

It makes me sad that this is pretty much the only picture I have from my baby brother and his wife's baby shower. Having it via Zoom makes it kinda hard to do much more, unfortunately :(

Some days in December were summed up with snuggles and cozy sweaters.

We apparently have this new thing where we swing by McDonald's to pick up hot apple pies and cookies to eat with our hot cocoa while driving around to look at Christmas lights.

This was our pick of the year lol

I finally have a kid who REALLLLYYYYY likes to brush her teeth. Hallelujah!

So I made Swedish pancakes one morning, and I was absolutely stunned when the kids barely picked at them or touched them, and then called them "gross". I mean...they're AMAZING! So stinking weird, they are.

After all this time, I finally got around to installing the curtain rods and putting up some curtains for Mark's room. It definitely makes it MUCH darker in there, but that's kinda what he likes.

What 2 hours of installing curtains while wearing a face mask and shield looks like. Oy!

I love it in the rare moments when these two aren't swarming me, and actually are just hanging out playing together.

So, so, so much of this at the end of 2020. You just never know when they're going to nap and when they're not going to nap, so if you sit down and snuggle after we get home, it's about a 50/50 chance they'll pass out.

It's GIRL TIME! For Kinsley and I's shopping date, she opted for the grocery store lol

She decided to pick out everyone's favorite snacks, which was so thoughtful!

Trying to remember something important lol

It's always a struggle to get ready in the mornings with this one around.

Fridays are our McDonald's runs for my boss and I.

These two are so fun to be around lol

By the end of the weekend before Christmas, I needed a break from solo parenting, so I called in backup and made an improptu trip to Mankato to browse the mall a bit and grab...

...some sushi

I just love the ambience of Christmas.

She is JUST like her Mama before FTD hit. Silly, sassy and just plain fun. I'm sad sometimes, thinking about how although it looks like to the world that my light is shining bright still, it feels like someone drowned it in the mariana trench. I'm in need of more sparkle, but it's hard to envision with the weight of the world on me.

I post this one first, in case you thought that the next handful of pictures came easily lol

It had been a while since we were actually in church (quarantine, holidays, etc.), and I decided that since we hadn't had any family pictures taken since last June, I might as well throw up the tripod and see what happened. Stay tuned for another post with the results, but I'll just say it wasn't half bad!

It's way too much fun to shop for little girls! These boots just make me happy!

I ALMOST got all my Christmas cards out on time this year.

I DID get all the photo books done for Grandparents and Mark this year, though!

Kendrick finally got a chance to go see Mark at his facility, so we made it a Mama and Kendrick date day! I, for one, am REALLY ready for restaurants to open back up again, because trying to eat Olive Garden in the car was not quite ideal. He also specifically requested to go to "the store with the bullseye on the sign, with the white and then the white dot in the middle". I think he's my favorite right now lol

Kendrick was super excited to see his Daddy, even if Mark was pretty low that day. They looked at the photo book (we let him open the one present early) and then checked out games on Daddy's tablet.


As with the cookies this year, the Rolo pretzels ended up being a little censorable lol These kids...

I swear I really did do more school type things with Ryan and Kinsley, but I was just really horrible at getting the work and pictures off to their teachers.

These two were pretty adorable during this month. They were such great buddies, and wanted to do everything together.

Christmas Eve 2020! Our church did offer two services this year, but we had to reserve our spot there. It didn't go nearly as horrible as I had anticipated, thankfully!

There are times...and they're getting more frequent...where they all get along and do what they're told and have no issues. This moment, however, was brought to you by "if you take this picture, you'll get to open a couple presents" lol

I'm not entirely sure how this guy suddenly looks like an actual young man. It's crazy!

This one too...she's not a baby anymore...or even a toddler. Like...my kids are all potty trained (mostly).

I had to get one of her by the tree just to remember that she DOES actually dress up in appropriate clothing....sometimes...

Ryan is SUPER into Ryan's World right now, and this Ryan's World vending machine just made his whole Christmas lol

Cashel only wanted a kayak, so that was his non-essential-clothing gift of the year.

Miss Kins just wanted an "Elsa Toy", and she got a matching nightgown for her Elsa.

Mark would be kinda appalled that I haven't even attempted to take the big two skiing yet. I at least decided to get them started with some ski goggles.

This guy wanted a snowboard along with his goggles (all he really asked for this year), and was ready to hit the sledding hill shortly thereafter.

And hit it...we did! This was the first year ever I haven't had to pull kids up on the sled once they hit the bottom. It was AMAZING, but felt kinda too easy, if I'm being honest.

This guy CRUSHED it! I truly don't think I've ever seen such a cool dude ever!

I am THRILLED that Ryan is so capable this year! Last year it was him AND Kinsley who required my sled towing to the top of the hill services. This year - no one!

I think this may be my new favorite soup: Hamburger veggie noodle.

Seeing as how it was a holiday, and holiday visitors would be swarming Mark's facility, not to mention I'd have to try to find sitters for the kids, we opted to just wait a few days to see him. We did get to video chat while he opened the rest of hte gifts, though! He got a super awesome Twins sweatshirt and a Vikings long sleeve t-shirt along with his photo book this year.

Hot cocoa has been the name of the game for this guy. I had to snag the large box of packets from him and lock them away in my closet because he was downing it like water. They had this sudden revelation this year that we don't have to microwave water to get it hot...we can just put the faucet to hot and go to town lol

I enjoy finding a new Christmas mug every year, and this was my pick this year! Hobby Lobby FTW!

I couldn't even begin to tell you how long ago it was that I ordered these jammies for my kids. They arrived the day AFTER Christmas, of course, but on top of that, these were the ones I bought for KENDRICK, and they fit me perfectly lol The ones for Cashel are HUGE! Online orderin is so fun, right? lol They'll eventually grow into them.

For NYE this year, I opted to go with more snacks and not have a big meal. Kendrick set up a "sandwich" station in the middle of hte kitchen, where he served up "sandwiches" of summer sausage, cheese and crackers. He was going to charge $12 per "sandwich" lol

Cashel and I were the only takers at some crab legs this year. I'd never made them before, but it was just as easy as boiling them. Cashel loved trying to get the meat out. We had to make due with the handle for tongs because we didn't have a nut cracker or anything to goet them cracked open, but it worked! He's my seafood buff!

You can tell they're my kids when they suddenly are coming up with ideas for pictures without my prompting lol This was a HARD night, if I'm being honest. This whole break was exhausting with the ages the kids are at (3, 4, 7 and 8), but I'm feeling good about the future!

I feel like I need to point out to their daycare and preschool teachers that she DOES actually have some pretty adorable clothes. She just CHOOSES to wear all the ones that don't match or really look cute together.

I made a valiant attempt at Chicken Wild Rice soup. It was good, but the rice I used was a little crunchy, even after cooking a long time, so I'm thinking I got the wrong kind of rice for that soup.

The kids' hijinks allotted me a little "Me" time to record a few songs on Smule too! It's such a stress reliever for me.

Every 12 years, it's time to update my work badge and photo lol

This was another "Hey guys - come over here and let's sit in this chair so Mom can take a photo of all of us" moment. Cashel has been REALLY getting into it more, which is fun.

Minnesnowta styles

My baby brother and his wife welcomed my sweet new little niece into the world on Christmas Day! Isn't she the cutest ever??

I took Mark the gifts from the kids the Tuesday after break for Christmas. Aren't these so cute?


Apparently bribery works for this kid. I got this in a text from the daycare provider saying, "He'll do anything for a chocolate shake" lol I think I need to work this out a little better somehow...

Sometimes I just let the chaos swirl around me and lay down for a while. (Sadly, it usually makes the chaos much less contained - oy!) It doesn't take long before they find me and I become a human punching bag, but in those calm moments, I miss him. I miss our life. I look forward to the future and all, but I just miss feeling like I had a clue what that was going to look like. I miss having someone to come in an take the reigns for a while that wasn't an outsider (because an outsider typically just makes the chaos ten times worse). I miss having someone vested in our lives. I miss having someone just touch me and hug me and who can just look at me and in their eyes, I can tell that things will be alright. I just need to hear from him that it'll be alright. But for him, it won't be. For him, it isn't alright. Some days I feel ready to move forward, but other days, I know I just need to stand still for a while and work on my foundation a bit more. It's not what I want, but it's what I need. It's just excruciatingly lonely, but it's something I need to work through with God and tackle through therapy, and it's just not really fair to drag anyone else along. And so...I rest for a short bit, and then I get back up and keep going. When will these days of just surviving transition back into the days of thriving?