What's Going Right

As we get closer and closer to the dark days ahead, both literally (hello, 7pm sunset - I'm not a fan of you) and figuratively, with Mark's continual decline, I find it's really important for me to focus on the things that are going right in our lives. This certainly isn't an attempt to sugar coat the hard stuff: I'm cringing at the thought of the coming school year with Kendrick's behaviors amping up a little more, and, I mean, there have been a lot of potty accidents as of late, and I know the kids being on the cusp of school has me on edge a bit. That's not to mention the nail-biting that has ensued on account of waiting for Mark's Medicaid stuff to get approved and to have the money stop bleeding out of our account. But I just wanted to highlight the good, as there are certainly enough things to whine about, amirite?

So, for starters, I took Kendrick to the pediatrict Gastroenterologist a few weeks ago in Sioux Falls at the Sanford Children's Hospital, and while since then there has pretty much been a TON of poop, we DID successfully complete a very solid 3 day cleanse, and he's feeling a TON better. We've been working hard to maintain that progress, but it's a bright spot to what has been a VERY long three years of GI issues for the little guy. I've had more questions lately about what caused this and if there are actually "issues", or if it's constipation or what, and with the combination of therapists and doctors and now the GI, they believe that since the timing of the accidents, starting AFTER he was already successfully potty trained for almost a year, coinciding with Mark getting sick, that what happened was that he began to hold onto his poop as a form of control (which is common with young children in traumatic situations), and then, since the colon is "lazy", as the GI explained, it simply stretched out and he began losing the "urge" to go, which compounded things (figuratively and literally). It's good to see him feeling more confident, and we've already decided that if he goes a whole week with regular BMs, he'll finally be able to switch back to normal underwear, which will be a HUGE relief to this Mama. I hate having him in pull ups, but I was cleaning out poopy underwear for two YEARS before that, and it was one of those things I just had to give in to, because I couldn't do it anymore. So...there's that! It's a huge bright spot for us right now!

After all was said and done, I've seen a MUCH happier Kendrick overall, aside from some isolated incidents here and there. He actually chose to wear underwear for the first time in over a year this morning, on his own, without me prodding him. I'm so, so proud of how far he has come, and I'm really hopeful that we'll be able to move forward now without these worries!

Also, as I've mentioned before, the home renovations are pretty much silent right now, which feels amazing! It's so nice to be able to walk into our home and, beyond the typical "4 kids ages 8 and under live here" mess on the regular, it feels mostly finished, which is amazing. I've just started removing the border in the kitchen that I've been hating since I moved in 14 years ago, and although I haven't gotten far, it looks SO much more open and less busy already, and that makes me smile! A fresh coat of paint will do wonders, no doubt. City-wide clean up was this a couple weekends ago, and I was really excited to finally get all the "junk" out of the garage that I've been holding onto in anticipation of this particular weekend. I'll finally be able to really clean the garage up, get the bike hangers installed, a legit ball rack to coralle all the balls. It will feel so good to have it all done!

As the seasons change, I've already successfully swapped out all our summer clothes for winter clothes (which, for 5 people is no small feat), and I have all the new clothes and shoes here now and ready for the season, with all the kids in slightly-larger-than-necessary clothes and shoes, so they should be good for a while now. It feels good to be settled and everyone having what they need in that regard. Whether we can FIND it all, however, will be the challenge. Kinsley has this trend right now of taking all her freshly laundered clothes and putting them in her backpack and carrying it all over town, so finding things in the mornings has proven a challenge.

Preschool started two weeks ago for Kinsley and Ryan and one week ago for Cashel and Kendrick. As they are both under age 5, Kinsley and Ryan are not included in the governor's mandate for wearing a mask, but with Cashel and Kendrick, they are, which so far hasn't proven problematic.

Our county has an EXTREMELY low rate for COVID-19, so, as long as we don't have an outbreak, we'll continue to stay with in person full time for the elementary age kids. So far, so good! The kids have yet to complain to me about the mask thing, and I have very high faith in the school and staff to keep up with the COVID prepareations. It'll be one heck of a year, that's for sure! The big kids also have a brand new elementary school, which allows SO much more space for social distancing. The class sizes are 10-12 students, and they have these social distancing dots and arrows all over the building. They get lunch at their desks, and only get to have recess with their class, and only one class at a time, but honestly, they are just so giddy to be back in person that they'll do about anything they're asked at this point.

I have been making solid progress on a handful of things at work lately as well, which helps tremendously with my mental health. When things get behind or overwhelming, it's hard to focus and sort through the chaos, so it's always very helpful when the storm starts to settle more. I just got my new work laptop set up finally (it has been kinda finicky with the myriad applications I have to install and configure) and with that switched to a new keyboard and mouse, and so it feels kinda like I've "cleaned house" at work as well, and it's...it's fun :)

As far as Mark is concerned, I mean, it's no secret that things have been hard lately. It's very, very evident that so, so many of his aides and nurses love him so very much, and are very supportive of our family. They have all expressed how much they love working with him, and how honored they are that they get to be part of his life and our story. Considering some of the stories I've heard from other FTD friends and families, I feel beyond fortunate that we have been able to have such kind, compassionate, caring staff that is so informative and encouraging and who just flat out love their residents. It's evident not only in how they relate and respond to Mark when I'm there, but also in how well they love and care for the other residents with such calm, joyful spirits. I'm sure, like with any of us, that they have their days too, where things aren't great and they're frustrated, but I've yet to see it. Honestly, if ever I would consider a staff "FTD care experts", these are those people. That's not something to take lightly! If they can figure out how to manage a very large, young FTD patient with love and compassion, they are committed to their jobs. As you can see, these workers aren't strapping men, but rather fairly small younger women, even, so there's something to be said for methods and mannerisms over brute force when it comes to FTD.

I'm also EXTREMELY grateful that I have been able to do in person visits (with mask and face shield, of course), as across the country, this is still mostly not allowed. It's so hard to visit with Mark as it is, with his attention span being so short, so the fact that I, as his essential caregiver, get to visit inside, it helps tremendously. It turns a 5 minute window visit into an hour long visit where I can chase him around the facility and walk or sit with him and show him videos or pictures of the kids and tell him stories that I wouldn't be able to if we video chatted or saw him through the window.

On top of all that, hospice was approved for sending a massage therapist for Mark now, which is so great! He was so, so tense when I visited a few weeks ago, but as soon as I rubbed his neck and shoulders, it was as if he was in a different world. He had been playing Candy Crush, and he just stopped and closed his eyes. I asked him if his neck had been sore, and he said "yeah". Hospice, if I haven't said it before, is incredible. I'm so pleased that they are on board at this point, to keep him comfortable.

I got to sneak away for a little weekend getaway with my sweet friend Jenna (whose husband also has FTD) while my kiddos stayed with their former daycare provider and got to go camping. I had planned it a while back, so it was good timing with the sudden uncertainties about Mark's future care. We got in a really nice, long walk, had some yummy food, and enjoyed walking around in downtown Galena a bit. It's always so refreshing and endearing to encounter other FTD Spouses in this journey who really, truly get what it's like to be in the phase of life we're in when we go through this trauma and devastation. FTD Spouses are my warrior friends, and while I'm so, so sad that my dear friends are also walking through the fire, I'm so, so glad I got to meet them and watch how the Lord is using them as well.

I have also been able to continue having my little Mommy and Me dates with my kiddos lately, for just an hour between when I get off work and their daycare closes. It isn't much time, but the kids LOVE it, and they can't wait for their special day with just Mom. They pretty much all choose to go to DQ and get some ice cream, but beyond that, their dates range from sitting at home watching Netflix to hunting down frogs or fish to playing at the park together. I really have looked forward to it more and more each week as well.

While we've been really saddened by all our favorite fall events being cancelled this year (Kite fly in Jackson, Reinbows Rodeo, King Turkey Day race and pancake feed and parade), we're celebrating the things that we still CAN do, like picking apples at the orchard! I really try hard to keep things as normal as I can for the kids.

My biggest goal throughout all of this FTD stuff is for them to emerge compassionate, understanding and sensitive to others, but mostly as unscathed as is possible. I want them to learn the coping skills to process things as they happen and not let things build up and then explode. I know as a kid, I internalized pretty much everything, and it wasn't healthy. In learning about myself the past few years as I process grief, I know I need to help my kids do better than that. Trying to keep things normal in the midst of a pandemic has been a challenge, but I think just continuing to do what we can when we can do it is key.

Update on Mark's Situation

I've been getting bombarded the past few days with requests for Mark's address or to know where he's moving, so I'm going to start by throwing up my hands and just saying this extremely clearly at this point:

I don't know.

I know everyone is concerned, but it has been a tinge overwhelming the number of questions and texts I've gotten recently asking about this. What I DO know is as follows:

• The county is in full control of what can or can't be done, and the big hold up for where he is currently is that they do not have the staff to be able to provide a 1:1 aide for Mark. They also refuse to subcontract with the current homecare agency to do so. So, while the county WILL pay the facility for his facility costs, they cannot pay two separate entities when the one is basically companion care, as they mostly redirect him all day. I have to continue paying the agency providing the 1:1 aides until he moves.
• The county is working their butts off trying to get everything arranged, but we only just discovered that he couldn't stay where he was two weeks ago, so everyone is scrambling at this point.
• The two places we had hoped would accept him will not.
• The county social worker is now working with the state to determine what steps we can take next.  All we know is they CAN pay for PCA services, but not companion care.

That's all I know. I went up to visit him on Friday last week, using a few hours of vacation, and ended up bringing home a huge load of stuff home, which has left me a bit of an emotional basketcase. Thank goodness for a long drive home and sunglasses to hide the puffy eyes, right?

Of course, that's not great timing considering I came home to a my kids, who are very keenly aware of how stressed out I've been, and tend to become behavioral as a result. Trying to hide grief is so exhausting, but the alternatives aren't acceptable when raising 4 little kids who can't understand. Ryan, at his therapy session this week, expressed that he was scared that I was also dying because I was crying so much. I don't cry in front of them often, as I save that for after they're fast asleep, so the fact that he's even that concerned at this point is concerning. The therapist and I had to reassure him that although we never know when we might die, that it isn't something for him to be worried about, but that also if I did, he'd be taken care of and would go to live with his cousins, who he loves. Explaining this whole thing to a 4 year old who observes everything and can't understand is difficult at best, even in very simple terms.

I'm weary and worn down. It's one of those weeks that I'm just slowly trying to climb out from another deep abyss I was pushed into again, and am struggling to get my footing again, so be kind. When I DO know the answers, I'm going to have to spring into action fairly quickly and likely won't have much time to update, so be patient. I don't really have an additional 3 hours in the course of a week to communicate with people, so I'm doing my best and this kind of update is easiest and most time-conscious. It's quite a bit of effort to coordinate and facilitate the move to a new facility, and I'm going to have to get that figured out and orchestrated and I'm going to have to take some time to get him re-settled and deal with the likely aftermath of yet another adjustment to a new facility for him.

Not only is it difficult to envision him having to move again, my fears bubble up again and again that he'll be moved much further away and that instead of a quick jaunt up to Mankato, it'd be maybe 5-6 hours of driving just to get there and back, leaving a very narrow window to actually do any visiting. Aside from a few months during COVID when it wasn't possible and a weather-induced hiatus for a month in January 2019, I've seen him every week or every other week for the past 28 months.  I cannot begin to fathom trying to figure out how to manage this with him even further away.

I guess that's it for now.  Please continue to pray that we would have a solution for the 1:1 situation quickly and that we can have it in place quickly as well.

Day 179

Ohhhhh..."COVID Break". It's about time we say sayonara, no?

It has been a long while since I've done much of an update here, but I figured one last hoorah as the kids head back to the classroom, right? Since that has kinda been my gauge as far as the day count for this whole "Day" post series.

So...let's start there: School. Well, the kids are ALL finally back to school! Ryan and Kinsley have actually both been back to school for a week (Kinsley started PRESCHOOL this year, and I feel like I need a few moments of silence and crickets chirping to commemorate that whole thing - I cannot even fathom how on Earth she is three already).

The big boys started this morning, and they had an AWESOME first day back! There are 14 active cases of COVID-19 in our entire county currently, so the risk is considered fairly low for in-person classes. The way the district is structuring it leaves me feeling fairly secure that the kids will be safe as well, even if it's going to be a VERY different year for them. They will be required to wear masks during the day, aside from eating lunch (which will be delivered to their classrooms), and recess (which will be one classroom at a time). There will be no big gatherings, and class sizes will be limited to 10-12 students. They have disabled the drinking fountains aside from the part that they can refill their water bottles at, which is still functional. Cashel's class list includes a re-fillable water bottle for that purpose. Bussing is going to have assigned seats as well, and they have additional busses this year as well so there won't be as many students on each bus either. They also have these large dots and arrows all over the building, and are kicking butt at the whole social distancing thing. Obviously, it's not my ideal for starting back up, but nothing has been ideal about 2020.

Their classrooms are actually right next to each other, which will be...interesting. But they aren't intermingling aside from going to and from school and their classrooms, so they won't see each other often, most likely.

Home life
Things at home have been about the same as usual. As I've said many times before, our lives pre-COVID were pretty similar to how most people had to change to live now. We still order our groceries and do the pickup at the grocery store, we still don't ever go into a restaurant to eat, we still don't go to gatherings of many people.

Church
I'd say the only major change that has been consistently a major change for us throughout this whole COVID thing is that we haven't been to church in a LONG time. We were able to attend a couple weeks when they had drive-in church, but they switched to in person with masks and distancing, and I had to wave the white flag. They are just about to open back up Sunday School classes on the 27th, but although I would consider taking them to Sunday School, I'm still not sure we'd stay for the actual church service. While Ryan and Kinsley aren't required by the state to wear masks during anything, pretty much, the big kids and I would be, and while I don't feel personally inconvenienced myself, I have ALWAYS struggled to keep the kids from being distracting and overwhelming during the service, so now add another kid (since Kins is now 3 and no longer in the nursery, which isn't open anyway) and COVID restrictions into the mix, and HA! Satan is obviously working overtime to keep us away, and well...for now, there's just not much I can really do about it. I refuse to add that kind of stress into my life at this point. Most of the time, I'm already far past my breaking point just maintaining a home and kids and now adding back in school...there is a zero percent chance that I'm going to go single Mom it up at church with no help and 4 kids (because, you know, social distancing prevents anyone from actually helping me with the kids).

Mark Visits
Well, I have been able to do in person visits to see Mark sporadically lately. The struggle I've had, related to COVID, is that the kids haven't been able to see him in over 6 months. I've only just recently opted to start allowing babysitters back into the picture over the past month or so, but even opening that back up has left me feeling a little uneasy. I STILL feel like I'm not sure how I feel about COVID, and without that clarity of mind, I'm kinda all, "Should I then quarantine all of us until we're sure that this last stint with a sitter didn't expose us?" I obviously need breaks, or COVID will be the VERY least of not only OUR concerns, but a number of other peoples' concerns as well. However, when I now have 2 afternoons that I normally would get a break that are now consumed with therapy consult for Ryan and date days for the kids, that gives me a total of 4.5 hours a week, assuming I don't have my own therapy, which is every other week, to actually do ANYTHING for myself, and while I used to have vacation time to burn, I'm now using that to safely keep my kids from being over-exposed to other people aside from daycare on the weekends and visit Mark on my own. So...all my "free" time, I'm spending on either the kids or visiting Mark.

Mark is noticeably declining, as the hospice nurse also noticed in her observations last week. She had been away for a few weeks on another caseload and when she returned last week, after her fill-in. COVID is going to make a impending transition for Mark to a new facility (assuming this one accepts him, which has me on edge right now) more difficult. It's a lot to consider. It's not really ideal to have to transfer a hospice patient to a new facility at the stage Mark is at, but I guess at least with him still being mobile, it's better than if he weren't.

Mental Health
My therapy visits have continued on, and now they are back to in person with masks, which is good for me. I find myself so much more distracted when I'm not actually in the office. I still have so much to sort out in life, and it's just...it's hard. My mental health isn't worse off than it was, say, back before COVID, but I certainly have a LOT more stress than I would have envisioned back in March, which is leaving me in need of more and more massage therapy. (It still bothers me that people consider massage therapy a luxury. It has been essential to my wellbeing as a person in the past few years.)

I feel stronger mentally than I have in a while, even if I'm more run down and weary. I attribute that, in LARGE part to my FTD spouse sisters. I started a new little group of just a handful of us a while back, and it has been SO therapeutic for me to connect with women my age in a group setting where we can talk freely and candidly about the struggles we face. There is a much larger FTD Spouse support group with numbers in the thousands at this point, but it is extremely difficult to relate to other, older FTD spouses when it comes to the phase in life we're all in, with working full time, small children, the loss of companionship, and the stresses of dealing with not only managing our entire households, but also being keenly aware of who we hire for services and such, as we're so hyperaware of who we allow into our homes and lives. Being young presents a HUGE risk to our physical wellbeing, which many of the older spouses don't consider, because their older, grown children or grandchildren are around to step in and help (although, as can be the norm with FTD, that doesn't mean they necessarily are getting that help, in reality). In my case specifically, I don't even have any parents to step in and assist, so it's pretty much entirely on me, which is just...well...it's a lot. Asking for help always leaves us as a group of younger FTD spouse women very vulnerable, and with some of the stories I've heard from these other women, I have every right to feel on edge.

Still, my mental health is overall pretty strong. I feel calm and collected, even if I'm basically running in circles all day long in every aspect of my life. The only times I end up feeling more frazzled is when I don't get breaks, but I'm getting back to the point where I'm taking time for myself in one way or another, and that's helping me to stay more calm and collected.

Changes and a Move: A Mark Update

Quick update, because I'm too busy for much more than that.

Mark has to move :( I'm so sad, but I'm feeling good about the pseudo arrangement we'll have in place, hopefully by the end of the week. The most likely option will be a facility just a little further than Mankato, but only by about 15 minutes. The issue basically lay in that the county won't be able to pay two entities for his care (the facility being one, and the 1:1 care being the other), and therefore, they had to find a way to make the 1:1 staff be part of the facility's staff in a roundabout way. His current facility wasn't okay with making that adjustment. However, IF this works, the move would happen fairly quickly (likely this coming weekend, or early next week).

I'm struggling with it, but I do know that if God says it's time to move, he's going to open doors and he's going to facilitate it all. If Mark has to be in a new place, it could only be for God's glory.

PLEASE pray that this arrangement works out, and that it is a fairly seamless transition for Mark. It's obviously not ideal at any time, but during this pandemic, it's especially concerning. I have no idea how it will all pan out, or if I'll even be able to visit him once he is moved, but God knows, and it will be what it is.

Pray for us, as we adjust to yet another change during this year of insane changes. Pray for the staff and the director at this new facility that they would accept Mark gladly and that the transition would go better than we could anticipate.

Another very short update: The writing thing really seems to be effective, which I'm thrilled with! During a video chat with Cashel and I at Runnings last week, he even was able to write "get after that fish" and "Northern Pike" when we were talking about fishing, which just blows my mind. It's the most robust "conversation" we have had with him in more than a couple years.

We miss him so much, but man, have we had a busy schedule lately. I'm hoping to make it up this Friday afternoon for a visit and to start getting his things packed up (especially those things he doesn't need to take with him, such as kids' toys or clothes that no longer fit him, as well as his Christmas decor and the like), and get started bringing some of that stuff home.

Praying that the tears end soon. This transition stuff is just so hard :( I hate the thought of another transition for him, but it is what has to be. I'm trusting God that he will bring good out of this, but I just feel so broken at the moment.

Boxers, Underware and Socks

Labor Day this year was a blessing. We had been SO busy in the month of August that we had barely taken the time to do the basic necessary stuff around the house. I had posted a picture on Instagram and FB of the mountain of laundry I had been working away at when a friend commented that it was time to change out the clothes, and it dawned on me that it'd be the perfect opportunity to do so (although that wasn't what I had been doing at the time). So...I went on down to the laundry room to pull up my large grey tote of winter clothes so I could get to work.

It didn't take long to be in full swing, pulling my warmer weather clothes out and piling them up to go into storage, but then I came across all my winter socks, and realized that there was no way I'd be able to fit all my socks into my drawers, as I had purchased more socks this past spring, and they would also be necessary, so...I searched for another drawer for them to go into. I opened the top middle drawer of my dresser to find it full of (well-organized) trinkets, and decided this would be the perfect drawer, so all I needed to do was to find another place for that stuff. I opened the larger drawer directly beneath that one and found some of Mark's old dress socks and his boxers and underwear. And really, it didn't hit me at all, pulling them out and throwing them on the bed so I could add the organized trinket containers down into that drawer.

It didn't hit me when I was picking up the socks and thinking about finding a bag to put them in for donating. It didn't hit me at all until I picked up the pile of his boxers and underwear and started folding them.

I do laundry - SO much laundry - every day. I usually try to process 2 full loads through, from washing to drying to folding and putting them away every day: That's what is required of me in order to keep us all clothed with weather-appropriate attire these days. But I have not folded a single piece of Mark's clothing since May 14, 2018.

I hate crying in front of the kids, so I always try to not let them see it, but as I sat there folding Mark's boxers and underwear and putting them into a pile, the thoughts running through my mind:

Do you even donate boxers? I mean, shouldn't I just throw underwear away? But wouldn't his Dad or his brother maybe want them? Oh, Amy - that's absurd - no one wants used boxers and underwear. But then again, they ARE nice Adidas ones, and he didn't wear them long, and they're in great condition, and someone SHOULD use them, right? And boxers - I mean, he'd always wear underwear underneath them for whatever reason, so they're basically shorts, and they're also nice, so maybe? Maybe someone would want them. But would it be weird? Like...I mean, he's not dead yet, technically, so it's not like I'm donating a dead man's underwear. But they woudln't even know if the guy was alive or dead if they bought it at a consignment store? Does Goodwill even re-sell used underwear? That's ridiculous, Amy. OF COURSE they don't. Or do they? I mean, I don't remember the last time I was IN a Goodwill. Maybe they inspect it to see if it's in good condition without any stains? OMG AM I REALLY THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS????"

The tears started flowing as I sat there trying to figure out what to do with my partially-deceased husband's freaking underwear. Who does that? Who spends 10 minutes thinking about how to donate or dispose of someone's underwear?

Kinsley had been particularly owly this entire weekend, and she came in to whip me with this dress she had on earlier but now refused to wear because she didn't feel like being fancy anymore, and she saw me standing there, my shoulders shaking up and down while trying to be as quiet as possible sobbing, realizing that these were the decisions I should've made a while ago so I wasn't sitting there weeping over them now: I don't like to have an uncalculated breakdown, because I don't have time for them. So now, my three year old daughter walks up and sees that my eyes are red and the tears are falling down my cheeks onto the floor, and she runs quickly to the bathroom to grab a tissue and brings it to me, visibly shaken. "It's okay, Mommy. It's okay. Mommy - don't cry. It's okay. Mommy - what's wrong?" I scoop her up, wipe my tears away, and tell her, "Yes, it's okay, baby, Mommy just misses Daddy right now". And she smiles, and grabbed my cheeks and looked in my eyes and said, "Yes, it's okay, Mommy. My misses Daddy, too, Mommy".

For a few moments, I actually considered calling a friend for help, to come and watch my kids for a while so I could lock myself in my room and just cry for a while, but I decided that I just needed to keep going for that moment, and so I picked myself back up and smiled and asked Kinsley if we should go get a snack, and so we kept on going.

I had every intention of getting a garbage bag to put all those socks and underwear in, but then forgot, so when I went back into my bedroom after the kids had been put down for bed, I found them in a pile on the floor, where the kids, wild with energy earlier, had been having a dance party earlier. It was then that I saw the socks again, the underwear and boxers having had their moment earlier, and I noticed that he had three nice pairs of dress socks. Surely somenoe could get good use out of those. But then it hit me that I should save them - one for each of his boys - and maybe, if they didn't get destroyed before then, they could have them to wear on their wedding days (probably weird as well, but I was too weary to really think these things through). So, I tucked them into Mark's memory chest, piled the rest of the things into a garbage bag for donations, tied it, and tossed it in the corner.

No sooner had I done that but what I heard footsteps on the stairs. Kinsley and Ryan had taken LONG naps earlier in the day, so they had both been a struggle to get down to sleep that night, but apparently Kins had been faking it very well earlier, and she peeked her head out from around the corner again. Guys - she is so freaking adorable, but at 10pm, it was too much. I was a little gruff with her, told her she could lay in my bed until I got done showering and getting to bed, but that she needed to go to sleep if she wanted to sleep there.

Of course, she didn't actually fall asleep by the time I was done, but I got ready for bed, turned off the light, and, as was the norm with Kins and Ryan lately, I told her I had a secret. I leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Kinsley Jo. Goodnight!". So then, like clockwork, she then declared that she, too, had a secret. So she reached over, half assaulting my face, put her mouth right up to my ear and whispered, almost too quietly to hear, "I love you too, Mommy. Goodnight, Mommy!" She gave me a giant hug and a kiss right on the lips, then rolled over and snuggled into her kitty Meow Meow. Then I heard her say, "I love you too, Daddy. Goodnight, Daddy", and she drifted off to sleep.