Home Renovations

As I mentioned earlier in this post about trying to balance sort of spending down with maintaining enough cushion to provide for Mark for a long enough period of time, I've got a couple projects going on currently. I've actually got 4-5 projects in my pocket, but currently have just two that I'm focusing on for now, because dude - I'm a single Mom with 4 kids and I simply can't live in renovation land in the entire house at the same time. So for now, I'm focusing on low key renos that I can manage without losing my mind ;)

Entryway

The entryway has always been a hot, convoluted mess, even before we had kids. I hated it, and it wasn't really functional at ALL. It ended up collecting junk, and there was never really anywhere to store things that were truly out of the way. Not to mention, the hooks were all on the wrong side of the door, and even before kids, we were never that great about hanging up our coats and jackets (just being honest). I like hooks - I do MUCH better with hooks. In fact, I've used the stairpost for the entire 12 years I've lived here for my purse and coat. So...what was the point of the closet? It was basically a place to clean up and actually hang up the pile of coats on the floor whenever we had company coming over, and a place to store a bunch of junk we weren't going to use probably ever again. Real useful, huh?

I'm embarrassed to even show the before picture that Katie took when she stopped over right after I got home from work one day before I had the chance to actually clean anything up. But honestly? The kids weren't even home, and it was the middle of winter. See that clear space right in front of the closet? It's usually piled about 2 feet tall with winter gear the second the kids walk in the house, no matter how many times I demand that they all hang their stuff up. Oh, and where I had hooks on the wall? Those all keep coming out, even with anchors, because the kids' backpacks sometimes are super heavy, and the kids like to hang on them too, because.... #toddlers

This was the concept design for what we would do from Revive! Interiors and Katie Hansen:

By the way, Katie has been INCREDIBLE, and WELL worth the cost for her designs, because I would have NEVER come up with anything even remotely like this on my own. And this is the progress thus far:

The new flooring will go in next Monday/Tuesday in both the entryway and the lower level bathroom (see below), which I am just GIDDY about! I've got to have the exterior drywall replaced as soem of it got water damage from before I had the trench cut into the garage a couple years ago, so once that is done, I'll be able to paint and begin to bring it together, which I am VERY much looking forward to!

Lower Level Bathroom (for the kids)

One major pain point in our home ever since we moved in is that the only tub in our home was in the upstairs bathroom, which, coincidentally, is the only bathroom our guests ever seem to use. With 3 of my bedrooms (and thus 3 of my kids) downstairs, it's really frustrating that no one will use the downstairs bathroom for showers, but without there being a tub, and being cramped in this small shower, I can understand. I've been wanting to turn it into a full bath for the better part of 5 years, but it just never was a priority to Mark, and prior to him developing FTD, I really trusted his judgment. I think we both felt that we'd not be staying in our home long-term, as we always had a dream of an acreage down the road. But, well...I'm not about to move anytime soon, and it was getting ridiculous. So...I pulled the plug!

This is what we were working with before, which wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't ideal with kids who refuse to shower and two of whom were actually scared of the bathroom because of how the shower was hidden in the back like it was.

This was the concept design for what we would do from Revive! Interiors and Katie Hansen:

And this is the progress thus far:

With the odd dimensions to work with for the vanity, I opted to have it custom made as opposed to losing out on precious counter space. I also wasn't sold on the white subway tile, so I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with that. I've got a contractor coming to check out replacing the drywall on Monday, but I need to also pick up some puck lights for the ceiling so we have more light in there and find an electrician to wire that as well as better lighting in the upstairs bathroom and kitchen, and really...the living room too.

Lots to still come, but I'm pleased with the great start! It feels slow, but that's how it goes when I have little spurts of time to work on

Unfinished: Ridiculous Decisions about Spend Down and Medicaid for Early Onset Dementia

Metaphorically and in all actuality SO much of my life feels unfinished right now. Everything feels jumbled in my head, and it's difficult to really put things in a row. I've been unable to attend therapy for two weeks, and the timing has just been really, really bad for that. I mean, not in any sort of a crisis way, but just in a "I have so many things to sort out and get in order mentally" way. I'm trying to piece it together, but am struggling to focus right now.

I'll start by issuing the disclaimer that I'm fortunate in this journey. Mark saved. A lot. His proclivity to save (while other FTDers had the proclivity to blow everything and go in excessive debt) has saved us a ridiculous amount of headaches. I cannot begin to fathom where we would be right now if he hadn't. HOWEVER...one of the most difficult parts of trying to navigate this whole thing is continually watching money go out the window as if it really DOES grow on trees. It really, really, REALLY messes with your mind. It gives me a whole new appreciation for old age, honestly.

The difficult part with this, however, is that the only way that the costs for Mark's care don't come entirely out of my pocket is if I spend it on the kids and I and the house and vehicle and all that first.

How messed up is that? We can no longer plan for our future, even though I'm 38 and have 4 kids under the age of 8. Even though I'm working full time at a great job!!

In this "spending" spree, I can only use the money for certain things, like investing into our home, investing in a reliable vehicle, pre-paying Mark's funeral (as well as mine, should I opt to, and burial plots for our family). There are other shelters, to be sure. I've worked this all out with our elder care attorney, and I'm aware of our options. I really don't need your advice, and I mean that in the kindest way possible. I'm just putting this out there to build awareness. Because right now, I am doing so much eye rolling that it's ridiculous.

The struggle is that if I choose to do this spend down route and apply for Medicaid, it likely will drastically change things for Mark in regards to his care. So while it may give us the home of our dreams and a nice vehicle and money set aside for the future of the kids, it will put us through another horrific battle of trying to find a place for him and uprooting everything for him and us all over again.

This is a decision that has weighed very, very heavily on my mind for the past two years. Very.

What I've come to conclude is that the only real pro to spending down and going on Medicaid are, in essence, materialistic and financially minded, and that's just not really who I am as a person. It's awkward to go from always living fairly frugally in comparison to what we had the capability for to then be encouraged to spend it all. I really struggle with this whole concept a lot, because I'm more of a giver than a taker in general, and being asked to take and take and take feels extremely awkward.

The cons, however, in my mind to this point have FAR outweighed the "pro":

• We would have significantly fewer choices for Mark's placement.
• We can only go where a Medicaid bed is available (and this is the clincher) that will take him.
  It was a nightmare to find a place to begin with that would even just take him, much less to find a place that was close that would take him. He's too big. Too young. Too active.
• Mark would undoubtedly be much further away from us (likely the closest being Minneapolis), requiring even further away visits and a whole new set of issues, like either driving 5 hours round trip every weekend, or not visiting Mark as often, or getting a hotel every weekend. With 4 kids. As a single Mom. (Raise your hand if THAT sounds like fun.)
• It is a heck of a lot of work to WISELY spend a lot of money in a short period of time, even if that means stopping the home renovations after these are complete and just setting it aside in a supplemental needs trust for the kids.

So...I've been kinda working on a combination of the two: I'm spending what seems reasonable and slowly fixing up the house, which, as I've realized since beginning, needs significantly more updating and fixing than I had realized. Mark hadn't fixed up anything for YEARS prior to getting a diagnosis, so a lot was left undone. I've pre-paid Mark's funeral. I've upgraded our vehicle. I put new siding on the house. I poured a new driveway and cement pad in the back of the house. I'm currently in the process of renovating our downstairs bathroom and front entryway, mostly minor changes with huge paybacks as far as functionality go.

But it's all...it's freaking exhausting. As if working full time and parenting 4 little kids isn't enough.
I get to now become a contractor and renovate my home. It's a "good" problem to have, but it's really, very seriously messed up. And I never know how much I should spend, because I'm scared I'll spend too much, and then I won't have enough to keep Mark where he is long enough for him to finish this horrible battle with FTD. And then it won't be an option to keep him there, aside from paying the penalty and digging into MY Roth IRA and 401k. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what he would want me to be doing with the money. And I know he would tell me that as difficult as it is, God will provide. It just leaves me in a continual state of feeling very, very, very unfinished.

My home is torn apart right now. I've got dust from torn out drywall on most of the surfaces. My kids can't find their shoes in the morning, and their backpacks don't really have a good place to go. The entire contents from our overflowing closet are now downstairs, also coated in a dusting of drywall dust. It feels like 2 years ago when I had furniture all over the place waiting for new flooring in the upstairs bedrooms, which turned into needing the floor boards replaced. And then I basically switched around bedrooms and sleeping arrangements with a Kindergartner, preschooler, toddler and 6 month old baby while my husband with bvFTD was still living at home. Everything feels like fruit basket upset, and while I know it'll all be worth it when it's done, there are just so many things that I have to manage and keep track of, and phone calls to make and people to meet, and as much work as I can do myself to save a few bucks, and it's just...well it's freaking EXHAUSTING.

And then on top of it, I don't even know if it's really what I SHOULD be doing. I mean, what's done is done so far, but do I then begin the upstairs renovation we have the plans for? Or do I save that money so that we can afford two more months down the road of keeping Mark where he is? (Because renovating an entire kitchen costs about as much as a mere 2 months of care, sadly.)

The option of having to move Mark further away from us gives me so much anxiety. I already feel like I hardly get the chance to see him when we do visit. And it's only an hour away, which seems insurmountable with all the demands at home. There are always so many directions I'm pulled (i.e. both Cashel AND Kendrick now have holes in the knees of the new sweatpants I JUST bought them a month ago, and Cashel has been wearing two different shoes to school every day because he lost the other two opposites, so they go to school looking like hobos...Mark chewed a hole in his CPAP mask and has to have it replaced and I keep forgetting to stop and pick another one up at the supply store...Menards or Home Depot trips every visit to Mankato, which leaves me staring entirely way too long at face plates for the light switches and outlets because I didn't count how many I needed, and I don't recall if the ones I got before were light gray or white...there is always something). I can barely keep up with life as it is, but there is no freaking way I would be able to then start making trips to Minneapolis (2.5 times the distance we're currently traveling) every weekend, or, really, every other weekend. It feels like I have to pull teeth to even just get 24 hours away from my kids as it is, but dragging them with me to visit their Daddy, who tolerates about an hour at most from us on a good day every other weekend even seems just completely overwhelming.

It's really, really easy for someone who doesn't have the guilt I have to say, "He'd want you to take the money and provide the best home for yourself and the kids...a reliable vehicle...put money away for them. He'll be fine in significantly lesser accommodations further away with visits once a month".

But as much as he's not really my husband at all anymore, he's still the man I promised to provide for and protect and cherish, and I'm not forgetting those vows. I know Mark would want me to have the nice jetted tub for the upstairs bathroom as opposed to him being in such a nice facility for another week, but if that comes at the expense of seeing him less or him having lesser care than he has now...no bubble bath is worth that guilt to me.

Sometimes preventative mental health care carries a pretty hefty price tag. And sometimes preventative mental health care means growing extremely comfortable watching money fly out the window...while trying to continue to make more money at a small fraction of the rate, and learning not to care. Because my kids need normalcy. I need normalcy. Our lives are already disrupted enough, and it's worth whatever the price tag to keep the five of us all in a healthy mental state.

But seriously...something needs to change.

Lately in Windom (January 2020)

We left the little two with my sister and her family while I took the big boys to Jacksonville, Florida for a few days.
They had an absolute BLAST! They met us along the way home from the airport to pick them up, and once they saw Mama, they did NOT want to go back to Aunt Mandy and Uncle Michael. We were laughing so hard! They may be a tinge addicted to their Mama, but I swear they were all giggles and had such a blast with their cousins while we were gone.

Give this lady a dilly bar, though, and all is right in the world lol

This poor little guy ended up getting what his cousins had while we were out of town on the night we got back. Fortunately, it was just a couple episodes and then he was back to his happy self, and no one else got it.

I was THRILLED to find this salsa at Trader Joe's in light of my discovery that tomatoes (and dairy) are what was making my stomach so uncomfortable. So yummy!!

Ryan was certainly on the mend quickly.

It has been quite the disappointing January for this kid who loves to blow snow. This was about as much as the month brought us, although there was one more time, where Kendrick and Uncle Daniel helped clear it out.

This is a pretty frustrating age. She leaves me rolling my eyes a lot these days.

Two seconds later, she's sweet, cuddly and wanting to hold my hands.

She's such a little lady, and so stinkin happy most of the time.

The rare occasion (which was too much in January) where I'd bring all the kids, this was usually the scene both getting there and leaving.

My sweet friend Lauren gifted me this shirt while we were down in Saint Augustine. So perfectly me!

My beautiful sleeping beauty ♥

Miss Sassypants likes to sit on the kitchen counter while I'm making supper. I love having her help :)

For those of you who aren't familiar with FTD, this is kinda the basic timeline, which, of course, could take place over the course of a few years or a couple decades. Mark is right on the border between 3 and 4 right now. He was very early into stage 1 in October 2015, if that gives you a reference. By June/July 2017, he was already solidly into stage 2. So, within the past 4-5 years, he has gone through each stage. I guess you could stay approximately a stage or slightly less than that per year. There is no real timeline, but the overall gist is that if if started out fast, it goes quickly. I made this image clickable if you want to zoom in on it and see it bigger.

It's not often, but every once in a while, I'll come across a scene like this (when they are not fighting or wrecking all the things).

I went a little out of my comfort zone with this top, but I LOVE it!!

I wore it up to Minneapolis to meet up with my sweet friend Amanda for dinner and drinks one night. We went WAY out of our way and tried oysters, with our waiter's help, because we had NO idea what to do. It was about as bad as I anticipated. I'm glad I tried them, but will never order them again! On a related note, there may or may not be video clips of us trying them that will not be released to the general public lol

I came across this in my morning devotions and just LOVED it. I don't even recall what book it was from, but I just really loved it. I've found that at times, I'd rather feel grief than happiness. I know that sounds weird, but sometimes it's just what I need. When I have hard emotions all built up, feeling happy feels fake. Pretending to not be sad is exhausting. I'd rather feel real and be grieving and sad than to be happy when I don't feel happy. The saying goes, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved," and I agree with that wholeheartedly.

Are you even a #boymom if you haven't had to, at some point, take their door off the hinges for one reason or another?

SO many trips to Mankato this month, between dealing with all the broken chairs, attending a care conference and attending appointments of some sort.

I wrote a whole post about the chairs, honestly. What a process! But he was happy with this one for a super short while.

...until it, too, broke.

It's odd how taking a preschooler and a toddler to Target seems like a breeze when it's in comparison to taking their older brothers as well.

They're easy to bribe with a carousel ride.

Mr. Ryan looks so grown up here!

I did a little 2.5 year recap on this sweetheart this month.

I ordered a lot of sushi to go from Shogun this month. It was either that or fast food, and I craved it more, and didn't feel like sitting at the bar by myself, so I got it to go and scarfed it down in the car.

About half of the visits I made to see Mark this month he was agreeable to go for a drive. The other half, he refused to hardly even get out of bed.

One particular day, I couldn't even get him to wake up, so I opted to go for a pedicure and come back later.

The tagline had me a tinge concerned about how this was going to end up going, but I'm pleased to say that it ended up being a pretty darn good show without much emphasis on this apparent "fantasizing". I will certainly say, however, that I will be perfectly content to never be on national television again. lol

When I say that this little lady is far more advanced than her brothers, I mean...for real. I've never taught her a thing, and I'd be surprised if her daycare did, and yet...her natural hold for writing utensils is the proper tripod one.

Never a dull moment with this guy.

This was the last family therapy appointment we had, because basically...Cashel can't ever calm down enough to actually focus. It was preventing Kendrick and I from working towards a resolution to his explosive anger busts with the case workers, so after this one, we stopped bringing Cashel to them as well.

I found myself with an extra hour after my dentist appointment before I had to pick up the kids, so I figured I might as well do a little shopping!

I went a tinge out of my comfort zone this particular time...and ended up realizing why I stick to my comfort zone lol

About every 4-5 years, I end up having to have my front tooth repaired. Good as new now, even if it's slowly changing shade, which is a bummer :(

She's getting so much more girly these days. I'm loving it!

I ADORE our "girl time" on Wednesday nights. It's so fun to get to snuggle just Kins and do "girl things". She squeals every time right after we drop off the boys and says, "It's girl time! Girl time! Wooohooooo!" lol

This picture. Man. She looks SO grown up!

I did a whole write up on my experience in NYC for the show, so you can check those two posts here and here, but it was pretty great getting to meet Mel Robbins!

The same day the show aired, our local newspaper released a THREE PAGE spread on our family and the story. I had sat down with the journalist shortly before Christmas. He did an INCREDIBLE job on the piece. It left me so humbled.

Cashel got REALLY into writing stories this month. This one entitled "The Tmato Tornadoe" made me giggle.

We only got Cashel's school pictures back (literally about 3 months late) in January, because Kendrick missed the first go-round. Stay tuned for next month when we get his back lol

My breakfasts are still mildly odd, but SO YUMMY! Adding the jalapeno jelly REALLY made it pop!

When you're a working Mom who goes from work to the gym to get kids to back home, the fashion sense gets a little sketchy lol

About 88% of my evenings are like this at some point. I'm trying really hard to not squelch it, because I know it's going to be a distant memory in the very near future.

Weathermen and Local Radio Station: "It's terrible outside - stay in and don't try to chance the blizzard."
Everyone in Windom:

Cashel was a HUGE helper in the kitchen this month. He even had me show him how to make cinnamon rolls, and he mostly made them himself!

Enjoying the fruits of his labor - YUM!

He doesn't take nearly as many pictures with his Mama, mainly on account of wanting to do his own thing in the evenings.

Sissypants didn't mind helping test it out either.

The struggle is real, Miss Kins.

I came across this note in some paperwork from November and am absolutely saving it for posterity. Proof for when the teachers tell me at conferences down the road that he is a joy to be around in class and I wonder whose kid they are talking about. It isn't always true lol

Out with the old...

...and in with the new!

Thank you so much to my sweet neighbors for providing the manpower to finish it up for me!

Truth.

After FIFTEEN years of me rolling my eyes while walking by this weight bench, I finally sold it. I'd like to say it was bittersweet, but I was actually SO HAPPY to see it go and reclaim my space!

We had FOUR days of this incredible hoar frost


I had been researching and test driving vehicles since late October, and finally decided what I wanted to get! It's a new Hyundai Palisade, and I LOVE it!! I WILL say that the one drawback was exactly as I had anticipated, and that was that not having those minivan doors that slide back instead of open and swing out...that part kinda stinks. But otherwise, this has just as much space as our minivan did in pretty much every other way. But it also has AWD for these Minnesota winters.

I got to go help in these two cuties' classrooms for their Art Parent projects this month.

♥

There was a solid week towards the end of the month that I was just SURE Kendrick was getting sick. He was more irritable and took naps 2 days in a row on the weekend. Then I realized after that weekend that he looked WAY older. Growth spurt.

How is this little guy in Cubbies already?

These kids just have LOVED having Uncle Daniel around. I think he might enjoy it too...

#GeekHumor #WeSayThisAllTheTimeAtWork #AlsoPEBCAKerrors #ProblemExistsBetweenChairAndKeyboard #InOtherWordsItsTheUser

While they're SIGNIFICANTLY fewer than a couple years ago, there are certainly still days where there is not enough coffee.

This was a big thing for a couple weeks.

We went sledding with the Studes one random Saturday and the kids had SO MUCH FUN!!

Miss Kins LOVED it!!

Pretty much every Tuesday night. The kids mostly just want to eat the M&M Streussel one (particularly the toddlers) and the cheesy sticks, but it's nice to have

I refuse to release the video of me attempting to flip Swedish pancakes lol let's just say that my boobs took the brunt of it, and it was HOT!!!

This is our view from the balcony each Sunday morning. The kids are still a tinge too animated to assimilate down to the floor level just yet.

The kids got to sing during the service. I mean...Ryan didn't really sing much and mostly just stood there the whole time before walking back to where I was sitting, but it was cute!

So I'm at this point where I kinda have to crop all my pictures from Mark's facility anymore, mainly because this adorable little lady we'll call "B" thinks that she's part of the family and was literally in all the pictures lol It's not uncommon for her to come alongside myself and the kids and walk right into Mark's room. In fact, once when I was video chatting him and he had left the room like he usually does, she walked in, and I told her "hi", and she jumped and freaked out and left lol You can see her off to the right hand side of this picture, which I cropped as best I could.

Cashel got these cool tiles for part of his birthday gift. We leave them at Mark's place so that they have something to do when they're there.

♥

She's so dang fancy these days lol

I LOVE the days I get to get my workout on at my gym! It's definitely my happy place!

Big project ahead with this bathroom! Recap next month!

I finally reached that place where I am officially not getting any more diapers. It feels surreal!

In the realm of work accomplishments, I was able to optimize a number of processes and eliminate what was a 30ish minute process down to less than 5 seconds. The process ran all the times a day that are in blue, and it held up stuff for a LONG time.

I love using Marco Polo with my girlfriends during the days. This particular day, when I got done with work, I was stunned to see 37 freaking polos. Usually we have something like 5-7 in the queue. I thought I'd never catch up, but then realized that about 30 of them were an intense discussion about what you called a hat on your head during the winter lol So tell me, friends...what do you call it? I really had to think hard about it before realizing that I just tell my kids to put on their "hat". The consensus elsewhere was that it was called a "beanie". I had honestly never given it any thought lol
I've also heard that in Canada they call it a "tuque".

I realized that my workout clothes were few and far between, so had to do a little updating. It feels SO MUCH BETTER to workout in clothes that don't let your flab hang out lol

This is what happens when your kids start getting ahold of your phone and have realized that it doesn't have to be unlocked to take pictures. Or, apparently, make phone calls to your emergency contacts. #Oy!

Every once in a great while, I just feel pretty. You know, those days where I finally don't have the remnants of a zit to cover up and my hair actually cooperates and my lipstick isn't half worn off before the day even starts.

It's always a pretty rare occurrence that Mark joins us in doing much of anything. I was shocked that he sat here long enough to help the kids "play" with their choo choos and put them back while "playing" Mexican Train Dominoes.

SUPER thankful for these guys for taking Mark this love seat to replace all of the broken chairs at his apartment.