Slow, Deep Breaths and A Different Zip Code

It has been over seven months since Mark took his final breath. 

I had a quick lunch at his graveside a few weekends ago on a Friday afternoon in the midst of the continual back and forth to our new home: I go there to visit him at the gravesite when I have a lot to share with him.  I fully realize that I don't have to go there to tell him things: He's not there or anything. However, his face is engraved on the gravestone, and well...it somehow makes me feel closer to him.

It was a short visit, but good.  I always want to run there when I have a lot going on.  It's dumb things sometimes - thanking him for having bought a mitre saw and teaching me to use it, or teaching me to do a thorough job painting.  Sometimes something happened at school for one of the kids and I just need to tell him.  Sometimes someone hurt my feelings and I know it's petty,  but I need to tell someone, and there hasn't been anyone to tell.  Sometimes I tell him how pissed off I am to be a solo Mom, and I'll jokingly tell him I'm mad he had the gall to get sick and die on me.  (A little dark widow humor there for ya) I'll tell him his kids are all just like him when hey're being especially "extra" that day. 

I honestly NEVER thought I'd say this, but it's therapeutic sometimes to have a conversation with someone who can't talk back.

This time,  however, I was in the midst of a long weekend without the kids, and was working on settling in at our new home.  At that point, the whole weekend had been so wonderful, and I just wanted to share it with him.  The enormity of the chaos of moving, prepping our home for sale, how difficult it is to try to keep the right clothes at the right house at the right time...it has been a lot.  In truth, it had been a few weeks since I had visited his grave: the previous visit was shortly after we closed on the house.

One thing that crosses my mind often is if there will be a day that a different defining moment comes along that removes my measure of time being before and after Mark's death, or before and after FTD.  Maybe this big move is what it will be?  I want to have a measuring point be something happy, not something so sad.  I think maybe it's progress that I had to go back and calculate how many months he had been gone for this update.
The day came and passed that we called our home in Windom our official residence, and I've yet to break down.   I had been working so hard on making sure our home in Windom would be as ready as it could be to list so that I didn't have to make continual trips back to work on it once the kids started school at their new schools.

The boys are all at the same school together, and Kinsley started the same day at her new preschool.  They were all a bit nervous, but after that first day, it has been all smiles since then. Of course, it doesn't come without some struggles. While Kendrick had been having some struggles with classmates prior to moving, he has still had a couple hard interactions with kids, including one comment the other day that some random kid he didn't even know (or who knew him) wished his Mom would die (which, dang...for a kid who just lost his Dad earlier this year...that cut deep). And Ryan is far beyond jealous of Kinsley for getting so much Mommy time during the days, so he gets pretty animated when Kinsley gets clingy in the evenings. I hear "She's not just YOUR Mommy - she's MY Mommy too!" a fair amount. However, they ALL have had no trouble at all making friends, and they get excited to go to school each day, so that definitely helps.

I spent my kid-free long weekend (a sort of pre-40th bday hiatus from normal life) at our new home, putting up pictures, putting colorful laminate in drawers and cabinets, purchasing a few new necessities (toilets that a normal-sized person can actually sit on, new kitchen faucet like the one we had at our old home, a few organizational supplies, etc.)  I had some incredible evenings with new friends and old ones, drinks and dinner, charcuterie boards, long walks, a bonfire, good music, lots of laughs and smiles and hugs and all the very best things life has to offer.  Our new back yard brings a plethora of squirrels, and they love the little water feature right outside the sunroom, so it's so crazy that you can legitimately see a squirrels eyelashes while sipping coffee in the morning, or watch the deer scavenge for food in the woods so close a hunter would hardly need a scope.

I'm busy, haven't had a chance to sit hardly,  but I'm in a really, really good place mentally.  I have been for quite some time.  We're good!  We're happy!  We are all so giddy for our future, and we are all loving each morning waking up officially residents in what feels like an entirely new life.

But, as the Nora McInerney video I posted long ago about grief and loss reminds us, we haven't moved on.  We haven't left the memory of Mark behind as we move to a new home and a new city and a new life: I think we have even MORE pictures of him up at our new home, actually.   We're moving forward with him.  We still talk about him all the time.  In fact, as is to be expected with little ones and death,  Ryan and Kinsley asked the other day when Daddy was going to be home from heaven so we could see him, so we had to go over again how we won't see Daddy again this side of heaven, and what that means. I reached out to the hospice organization that supported our family through Mark's illness, and contacted the bereavement coordinator. I am going to work on getting the kids set up with the right resources around here as well. Ryan specifically struggles with the thought that we've left "Daddy" (a.k.a. his gravesite), so they provided a book called "The Invisible String", which really resonated with him.

Of course, whenever we talk about their Daddy being dead, there is a flourish of talk again about God providing a new Daddy someday,  which I think gets us all feeling hopeful.  And yet, I know that the Lord's timing is always perfect. There's no rush, and I think the kids seeing that life can be beautiful with just the five of us, there's less pressure. I think I've heard no less than a dozen times in the past two weeks from ALL of the boys that they really wish that Daddy could just be back here again without his sick brain, and they talk often about how wonderful it would have been to sit on the sun porch and watch deer or squirrels with Daddy, and how much he would love to live here with us.

As we come upon the holiday season, I think it's fitting that we start afresh in our new home,  building new traditions as we encounter our "firsts".  In some ways, it is actually more like our 4th season without him, at least with him home.  However this year, we won't be saving him a plate at Thanksgiving or wrapping him gifts for Christmas.   This year,  I won't be spending 6+ hours every weekend away from one or more of my kids to make yet another round trip to Mankato every weekend: I'll be spending those hours WITH my kids, or if without them, in a space where I'm not hurriedly rushing to visit a man who is not Mark but yet is and watching him slowly die.  THIS holiday season,  we're thankful that he's whole and that he is with Jesus. This year, we'll be able to invite people in instead of rushing around frantically trying to make everything the best for Mark. It's a LOT of pressure when you know your love is going to die, never knowing when, to make sure every holiday is the best yet, in case it's their last.

This year, that pressure is gone, and I get to focus, rather, on making OUR holiday the best instead of just his. Things like...always having to drag the kids along, even when they don't want to go, and would rather stay at home playing with their new toys. Like transporting cakes and gifts and leftovers and four kids and dealing with attitudes and visiting assisted living facilities and trying to keep them all in his room (especially during COVID - ugh!). I'd absolutley do it all over again - no doubt about that! It's just that this year doesn't have to be "special", and that, in itself, is extremely special, and SUCH a relief.

Part of this holiday season will be sad, no doubt, but we've done sad for years at this point.   I think we're all ready to turn the page,  and I, for one, am SO freaking excited to write the story that comes next.

Five Months and Sabbatical

I met with my therapist in early August. Prior to mid-July, I hadn't seen her since the Thursday after Mark passed away. At that point, I was just breathing this huge sigh of relief that the limbo I had been in for the past five years of dealing with FTD was over, and that Mark was with Jesus, and that all these things I had feared, I had faced head on and survived. I was in a really good place, honestly. We had survived.

However, summer hit, and my whole world turned upside down. Soccer started in late May, and I wasn't even hardly home long enough to actually DO any laundry for almost 2 months. When I WAS home long enough to do laundry and catch up on dishes, or pick up all the McDonald's or Subway or A&W or Hardee's wrappers and drinks from around the living room, it's all I did. Work was more intense, and I was so exhausted that I kept sleeping past my 5am alarm, starting each day off on a rough note, with no coffee, no time with Jesus, no checking my calendar, heading right into the fire, then running out as fast as I could at the end of the day to squeeze in that one load of laundry so the boys could have a pair of black shorts for their next soccer game, and more pairs of those super tight soccer socks for practices (seriously - WHY are they so tight?!). Trying to find sitters to keep the little two while I went to away games up to an hour away and then getting home at 9pm and trying to get the kids to bed by 10:30 or 11pm to wake up at 5am (or, lets' be real, 5:45am) to get the chaos rolling all over again. I was averaging about 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night. Kinsley became WAY more clingy, and honestly - we were all just DONE.

But then...July hit.

The 4th of July weekend was the first weekend that hit where we had nothing planned beyond Beach Bash the evening of the 3rd, so I opted to do another one of those cleanses for Kendrick (yep, still dealing with that issue), which meant that beyond that one evening, we were parking our butts at home for the most part. Fortunately, we didn't make any additional plans, as I came down with tonsilitis, which explained my sheer exhaustion earlier that weekend. But truthfully, a weekend full of naps and far too much screentime was kinda just what we needed. We saw fireworks both the 3rd and 4th, but otherwise, we just napped a lot. We rested. We were all really okay with just laying in bed and watching movies and YouTube videos of 1-2-3 GO to learn how to sneak snacks into places you aren't supposed to sneak snacks into (don't ask - it's weird lol...although the heels with skittles all over them were actually kinda cute).

It was then that I began to realize that I simply couldn't keep doing my life without this. I realized that I was GRATEFUL to be able to have the time off work without taking vacation time to let my son take the time at home he needed to do this cleanse, and that I was able to take the time without taking vacation or sick time from work to actually...be sick without feeling guilty about it.

I rested so much that weekend (again, the tonsilitis helped facilitate that a bit) that I began craving it even moreso than I did in my last update. But then, even after a full FIVE DAYS of cleanse for Kendrick, he STILL wasn't all the way done with it, and it was then that I realized that I can't keep going. I can't do it anymore. I need to be able to be there for my kids and not drag this kind of crap (literally) out any longer. I can't wait for another 5 day weekend to do another cleanse, and in effect, make all of us sit around waiting for Kendrick to...you know. I can't be under so much stress that I'm getting sick, and then spending my weekends sick so that I can expend all my mental, emtional and physical energy at work to come home and be a shell of myself when I got home.

My kids have been getting the exhausted, crabby, snappy version of me that they didn't deserve: The leftovers. We'd all basically come home FAR beyond spent and lash out at each other. Every single moment I was home, I was after them for one thing or another, because for the first time that whole day, we all had a chance to just...let our emotions out.

I also realized that our diet had been RIDICULOUS. I didn't have time to plan, and when I did, the kids would end up eating it before I needed it (i.e. baggies of veggies, chips, fruit, cheese and meat, etc) and I'd still come up short when we were in need of snacks for soccer, so we had been eating out something like 4 times a week. I realized that my kids were devouring snacks and screen time like it was their job when I was around. I realized that my kids, after losing their Dad (and by proxy, the Mom they knew and deserved) these past 5 years to FTD, my kids deserved to have their Mom, and to have her fully, because I am all they have right now.

They don't deserve a worn out, beaten down Mom, and our life has been a whirlwind with no chance to come up to breathe. We were drowning, and we have been for a LONG time. Getting that taste of rest made me realize that I can't keep going on like this; something had to give. So I did a lot of soul searching and realized that since it couldn't be my kids, and it couldn't be my home, and it couldn't be me, and it can't be my spiritual life, the thing that had to give was my job. I mean, when you have someone coming in to clean your home for 3 hours a week and you STILL can't keep it together, it's time. When the level of stress I've been dealing with for all these years is beginning to have physical affects, it's time.

I've seen this meme posted so many times by dear friends in my FTD support circles, and the first time I saw it, I sobbed for a substantial amount of time. It's true. It's really true.

Fortunately, as Mark had prepared well for us all, his forward planning has afforded me some substantial time for a sabbatical to regroup, rest, and sort of re-learn how to be a whole person again instead of this partial zombie like frustrated, angry, wounded shell of a person who I've become. I'm tired of just getting by. I'm tired of just surviving. I'm tired of forgetting everything if it isn't in my calendar (and even sometimes when it is). I'm tired of hanging out on the cusp of depression, and I'm tired of feeling anxious because I have so much weight on my shoulders. I want to pay that ridiculous $7.29 bill that keeps getting on the cusp of collections because I can't keep things organized enough at home to find the envelopes, stamps, check book and pen all at the same time to write out a check and put it in the mail.

I'm just....exhausted.

I want to re-learn how to plan meals (and make them properly without constantly burning something or forgetting an ingredient) that aren't spaghetti, goulash, sloppy joes, pizza or fast food. I want to learn how to NOT ruin a roast or chicken breast or steak because I start it, but then remember I've got to switch the laundry or Kendrick won't have any more underware for the next day or I remember that I've got to put distilled water on my grocery list or schedule that doctor's appointment and the office closes in 8 minutes, and then it's burnt or overcooked. I want to try new recipes, and I want to learn to truly enjoy food again. Because as it stands, I'm so overdone with life at this point that it doesn't even taste that good most of the time anymore.

I want to tackle my physical health head on and drop the weight I've held on to due to extreme stress and PTSD from all that happened the past 5 years. (I'm coming for you, Tauyna...but please be kind! lol) I want and need to be here for my kids, because I'm all they have. I want to be there for their classroom parties and holiday parties and not feel like I have to leave them at daycare for 10 hours a day because I spend the entire day wearing myself out mentally at work and need the break, so I still desperately need that last 90 minutes to actually breathe for the first time that day and squeeze in a quick workout and fuel my body before delving into the chaotic evenings where I'm frustrated and weary and tired and snapping at them if they don't listen to what I ask them to do immediately.

They didn't do anything wrong. They don't deserve to bear that kind of frustration on a daily basis. And they don't deserve to have a Mom who can't even sit down in the evening and just snuggle or do a puzzle or read a book or go for a walk with them because she's that dang busy in all the areas.

And it's worth noting that I did nothing to deserve to BE that Mom, which then struggles with the guilt of being physically and emotionally incapable of parenting the way I want to, and having no backup when I DO have the physical and emotional wherewithall to follow through.

So, on September 2nd, 2021, I will officially be done working for the forseeable future.

One day I'll jump back in, but for now, I just need a significant break. And when I DO get back into the working world? I'll find a flexible remote job (easily attainable in my area of expertise and my skillset) so I can still be home and forego the need for daycare during the school year. So I can see my kids on the bus or drop them at school in the morning, and then be home when they get off the bus in the afternoon. So I can serve them breakfast in the morning with a smile instead of rushing everyone out the door by 6:45am and not seeing them again until 5pm.

I've gotten a significant amount of blowback about my decision, which has been hurtful, but to be honest, I don't even care. For those who haven't been supportive, that's on them, not me. I've also gotten a lot of comments along the lines of "must be nice" or "what a luxury", and to those people, I say this:

I would readily trade lives over the past 5 years so you can go through what I went through to get to this point. GLADLY. I'd hand over my trauma at any given moment to have not had to experience it. Just because I have survived does not make it easier. In fact, the futher I get out from Mark's passing, which signifies the end of FTD limbo, the more I find I need the rest.

A lot of people continue to remind me how strong I am. How amazing I am. How incredible I am. The truth is, the only reason I've been able to hang in there is because of the strength of my God coupled with knowing that there was an expiration date on this phase of life.

I'm ready to rebuild a life that I'm not just surviving anymore, or in our thriving, to feel like I'm just barely eeeking by. I feel like until this point, I've just been bandaging it all together firmly, but it's time to knock it all down again and build from the groud up.

This new life involves not only a restructuring of our day to day life, but also a relocation, which we're all really excited about! It also involves more privacy and anonymity, which the kids and I long for. I'm ready to, once again, begin documenting our life quietly and slip back into the space I operate best: Privately.

I am more than thankful for all your support over these past handful of years: Your encouragement helped me through some of the darkest days of my life thus far. For now, though - it's just time to live again. Mark and our journey with FTD will always be a defining time in our life: Our lives will always be separated as "Mark" and "No Mark". Pre-FTD and Post-FTD. We continue to miss him tremendously, and will never ever forget him or stop loving him. We just get to do it from a new zip code.

Who knows: Maybe one day I'll get around to writing "the book", but for now, I I'm going to just...be. To actually hear the leaves rustle and the raindrops fall and the coffee maker percolate. And, well, you know...move. Because to all those people who ask "how do you do it?" The answer is: By taking care of me and making adjustments when things aren't working. And clearly, to anyone paying attention, this current life of mine is simply not working for me. It's time for us to begin our next chapter in life.

Lately in Windom (July 2021)

We spent a lot of time in the car the first part of the summer, running around to all sorts of activities. Cashel was obviously less than enthused lol

He was ALMOST as unenthused as Kins here, showing off her fancy new nails...and her new haircut, which she gave herself in an incindent where I was looking for the scissors to trim her bangs, and apparently she got tired of waiting and went to town with the clippers I had taken out to do the boys' hair.

I don't buy these often, but when I do, I'm suddenly "the best Mommy in the whole wide world!"

She loves taking pics with her Mama.

My favorite weekend mornings are the ones where I have time to just sit on the back deck and enjoy some iced coffee.

This is so very true. Lots of changes coming in the near future to help facilitate this.

Also this. I'm always at work on each and every one of these. It's hard to change a mindset you've had for years, but when you're the only parent of your kids left, you have to make some pretty significant life changes to "fix" a broken you.

WHEN did she get so grown up??!?

We had lunch with Grandpa, Grandma Pam and Aunt Jess at New City Buffet on Beach Bash day. Ya think we could get Cashel to smile a tinge? Half the time, HE'S the one who holds up the pictures these days lol

We all love the new carwash at the Kwik Trip in Worthington. We go through whenever we go down there (which isn't super often, but still).

The little two just loved reading with Grandpa and Grandma. Thinking it may be time for a littles weekend at Grandma and Grandpa's soon! It has been a pretty harried 2021 so far, but the tides will turn soon enough!

The kids loved playing at the splash pad at Beach Bash

I love how much more clear my pics are when I drag out my big old DSLR.

It's tough being the "big kid" sometimes. The boys waited about half an hour for this, made sure to be first in line, and then no one managed to dunk the guy. The little two got to go push the target anyway and dunk the guy, but Cashel, being the "big kid" was just too big to be given the honor, and man - that was a hard blow for him. Growing up isn't all rainbows and puppy dogs, huh?

Man, at this point, I was feeling pretty miserable. I was SO exhausted and the kids just didn't even hardly eat their food, and I was hardly able to eat with what I later found out was the beginnings of tonsilitis, which came on fairly suddenly, but the good news is we survived!

One of the incredible parts about the kids getting older, however, is that when I'm so tired, Cashel is able to do things like take Ryan to go get rainbow ice cream while I stay with the other kids. It's amazing!

Their favorite part of Beach Bash is the rainbow icecream, which they usually get in a cone and is super messy.

Sent him with $20 to get ice cream (assuming he'd get one for each kid), but he came back with 2 bowls of ice cream and FOUR containers of cotton candy instead. I kinda snapped at him, since now the other two didn't have ice cream, and I was out of cash (with more in the car). The other two were throwing such a huge fit about not getting ice cream that Cashel ended up going to the car to get my wallet for it. Mommin' ain't easy, guys. Apparently Cashel'n ain't easy either lol

All is good now lol

WHEN did her legs get so dang long??

We ended up going home early as I just couldn't handle it anymore as I was just completely SHOT. After snuggling up at home for a TWO HOUR nap (unheard of!), we ran out to the local fireworks at a nearby lake instead.

I absolutely love how much my little lady loves to snuggle me.

Oh, those bangs lol

I haven't had many moments to get out to the grave this summer to just veg like I'd like to. I feel at peace there. It's this strange feeling where I don't quite know what to think or how to feel, but just being there feels good. Sometimes I just let tears roll down my face. Sometimes I sob in these short little bursts. Sometimes I talk to Mark and tell him what's going on in life (even if I know he isn't there). Just being close to a place where some part of him still exists just feels good. I was SO glad that I had pre-arranged a trial run with a couple new babysitters for that afternoon, because man, I needed the break!

After a ridiculous amount of napping and watching Netflix all day with the kids, I mustered up enough energy to drive on down to the fireworks in Worthington to watch them, then come home. It was actually a really great night, and the fireworks were so beautiful!

GIMME ALL THE MEDS!! I finally was upright and functioning by Monday around noon. Can I just say...THANK YOU FOR SCIENCE!! I have absolutely zero clues as to how on earth I would survive as a solo Mom without medication at times. Amoxicillian had me eating by noon, and that just blows my mind!

The rest of that day, we just vegged. I sat in my chair in the lawn, turned up my Amazon Echo in the garage and watched the kids climb the trees, play basketball, wash the jet ski, wash their bikes, spray each other. This is what summer should be like.

The last of my monkeys to need my help getting up into the tree!

My girl Jill came on down for a bit, and oh I just love how she loves us. It's adorable to see my kids interact with her. Love you, dear friend!

My kids have honestly not cared to help me in the kitchen nearly as much lately, so it was fun to make up some cookie dough with them.

Cashel found a fan...and then a fitted sheet. Made himself a little cooler room there lol

The second weekend of the month, we went down to the farm in Iowa to throw a little joint surprise bday party for my two bachelor uncles (my Dad's brothers). This was me enjoying a cup of coffee (or 3) before the day got started. There are perks to being an early riser on the farm.

I am SO glad to see my sister and Michael fix the place up. The new roof on the barn and the chicken coop look so incredible!

The best part about the farm is all the cousins...and kittens lol

These two are always up to no good lol

My Aunt and Uncle from Tennessee also came down for the weekend, so we surprised my Aunt (my Mom's sister) with a little surprise party as well.

Cousins (minus 2)

We had a great time catching up with some of my extended family from my Dad's side at the party!

Dave graced us with a lil 515 as well - love their OJ IPA.

Birthday boys!

Time on the farm is just the best! You never know what you'll find with 17 (to 19) cousins out and about lol

I feel like this just looks like a recipe for disaster lol

Goodness, I love these people!

My four brothers and two of my uncles out surveying the property. My Dad would have LOVED this so much! I miss him dearly!

More of the Ropte family!

Dude - my sister does it up right for movie night!

For 3 mornings, I got to turn ALL of my alarms off! We met up for a 3 day getaway with the Drouins (one of our fave families we've met in this FTD journey) in the countryside outisde of LaCrosse, WI. I'll do a recap of it before too long, but it was wonderful!

The view from the back deck was stunning! It brought me back to Mark and I's visit to Waimea Valley on the Big Island of Hawaii back in 2013 with a 15 month old Cashel.

I love these people so much! ♥

Mojitos are definitely my drink of choice this summer. Jenna and I got to escape for an evening with our kiddos when we hired a babysitter for the kiddos off care.com, and we had a wonderful time!

I honestly have no idea why I don't make french toast more often at our house. It's one of the kids' AND my favorite breakfasts, period. Mine are my absolute favorite (a recipe I found on pinterest a number of years ago), but I haven't made them in months. We got some boxed ones on vacation that weren't too bad, but I'm thinking I need to add these back into the rotation.

I've finally finished "the book" (Calling in "The One"), and if this doesn't sum up a good chunk of it, I don't know what does. I never quite understood why my Mom wanted to be alone when we were kids, but as a solo Mama to 4 kids, I get it more now than ever before lol If someone is gonna jump into our lives, my reminder to myself, and promise to my kids is that they will only make it better in every facet. If not, there's simply no point.

This too. Oh man. I've struggled pretty much my entire life with stiffling joy in order to not upset people. I'm working to stop doing that, and in the process, I've certainly gotten some comments. I need to continually remind myself that anyone who doesn't want to see myself and my kids joyful and thriving is NOT worthy of presence in our lives.

The Friday after we got back from our trip, I had planned to have the kids stay overnight with their favorite former daycare provider, so I took a little solo trip to Mankato to pick up some artwork I had framed and had a leisurely evening putzing around town, grabbing some sushi to go, and taking a nice walk out at the Williams Nature Center. The older I get, the more I realize that I like my own company the most.

One of the things I've gained from this whole process has been my morning Bible study times. I've learned so much about myself and as a result, begun asking myself this question every morning. I've had a bit of a hiatus, which is evident when I feel like I'm starting to come unraveled at the seams again, so I started it up again. Most mornings, I end up putting things like "more water" or "better snacks" or "more downtime" or "more time with Jesus". I also started a Blessings journal around the same time, and some mornings, it's vague "a warm home" or "a healthy family". Some days, it's far more specific, like "a full Bergamot Woods candle" or "Kona Coffee with just the right splash of Sweet Cream Silk Creamer". Sometimes focusing on what we need and feeling blessed with what we already have is the best therapy.

I am absolutely in LOVE with how my canvas turned out! I bought the canvas print from Leonid Afmerov's estate earlier this year, and just finally picked up the framed canvas from Hobby Lobby. I have a plan for where to put it, but for now, it covers the mirror in my bedroom.

I seldom get peaceful mornings in my home without needing to clean up everything, but just to sit there. I am SO grateful I had that opportunity. This is my favorite place.

That evening when I got home with the kids, we roasted marshmallows over a nice bonfire.

What a weirdo lol

It isn't often that my kids jump at the opportunity to help clean, but typically whenever the vacuum is involved, they're fighting over who gets to use it lol

This guy got his first cavity filled, and I'm pretty sure he's going to do whatever it takes to never have to have another one filled again lol He sat extremely still, but literally had a puddle of tears welled up in his ears when they were finished.

For a little lady who refused to even put her head anywhere near the water last year with parent-child lessons, this little lady was all about swimming lessons this summer! She just finished today, and she did amazing!!

Man, it has been quite the past handful of months here. Summer, I've determined, is a rough time to try to keep a decent schedule as far as the gym is concerned. I've got some work to do again.

It cracks me up that when the kids get money to get snacks at the pool, their go-to ends up being microwave popcorn lol They LOVE popcorn. It's crazy! It's like "Oh, it's 93 degrees outside, let's eat hot popcorn!!"

So...this happened. More on that in an upcoming post!

Are these not the cutest? I ordered them off Zulily, and am super bummed that they don't come in the next size up, as my toes spill over the ends a tinge, but I'll gladly wear them like that.

'Tis the season!

Family swim time!!

Best investment in 2021 so far lol

Favorite mug at present!

Kinsley started her first dance class (dance technique) in July, and oh my goodness was it adorable! We had to watch on Zoom, but it was the cutest thing EVER, and she is SO in love with it!

I keep trying, and I know it does look a lot better, but dangit! When you spend 2-3 hours organizing something and end up decluttering and removing a huge box full of stuff, you'd think it'd look significantly less cluttered, don't you think?

It's that Farmers' Market time of year!

Summer nights :)

I'm finally finished up with my other studies, so I'm digging into this Beth More one! So far, it's really good!

We got a couple new air mattresses since our old ones were no more, and well...let's just say that a double decker bed is pretty exciting lol

My sweet baby girl ♥

Kinsley is a pretty slow eater. So while the boys devoured their hot dogs on the way over to our favorite hiking trail, Kins still had hers left lol

This kid is just such a joyful guy! Love him so much!

This is pretty much what happens when I tell the kids to get together for a picture lol

It's funny, because on a daily basis, they're like this with each other a lot (sometimes aggressively and needing interference), but ask them to pose for a pic like this, and you'd think you were pulling teeth.

Cashel was SO excited for his week at Camp Shetek! Last year he was a lot more leary as he didn't know what to expect, but this year he was STOKED! He had such a wonderful week!!

Girl, YUM!!

EVERYTHING needs a band aid around here lol In fact, I think for Kinsley's birthday, she's going to be getting some band aids lol

I absolutely adore watching her sleep. My favorite is when she comes out and snuggles up while I'm doing devotions in the morning and falls back asleep.

This girl seriously just exudes joy! She was SO excited to be such a big girl and go off the diving board lol She passed prek level 1 lessons and will be on to level 2 next summer!

Ryan woke me up around quarter to 5am this particular morning, and I realized I had fallen asleep putting Kinsley to bed and hadn't even showered or anything the night before like I usually do. But look at all that sleep!! Oh man!!

It isn't often I actually sit down to eat when I'm in Mankato, but this particular day, I did, and it was amazing!

Pretty toes with some pretty ladies after they got off work!

It's a heck of a lot of fun having a little girl lol

I'm gonna have to re-channel my girly girl here soon if she's gonna be doing dance! I haven't done a french braid in years!

She absolutely LOVES going!!

Oh man, the teenage years are gonna be fun.

I took the boys to Arnold's Park down in Okoboji, Iowa for the day, and we left Kinsley with her fave babysitter. We had such a gret day, even if I was completely shot most of the day.

Ryan was tall enough for *almost* all of the rides. He missed the rollercoaster by about 4 inches, (48" for that one, vs. 42" for the rest). We all reminisced about Cashel's first rollercoaster ride with Daddy on our last big vacation before he got more noticeably sick (it was very obvious to me at the time) at Sea World in San Diego.

Bumper cars was a BIG hit - Ryan was THRILLED pretty much the whole day!

How did they all get SO BIG!?

There's always that one...

I think Kendrick and Ryan look pretty spot on, but Cashel? I'm not sure I would have guessed that one.

Somehow, they convinced me to go to the Splash Bash in town when we got back home. It made for a LONG day.

Goodness, I just love these two. I mean, ALL the kids are so good with encouraging each other some of the time, but Cashel has really begun to shine so much more brightly.