I think it's safe to say that while 2017 has been in incredible year of personal growth for me, it has been hard. EXTREMELY hard. We've grown a ton as a family and as individuals, but oh my goodness. 2017 just about broke me, guys. I mean, it did. It absolutely broke me. We're broken. We're tired. We're weary. BUT...we serve a God who holds us together and fills in our cracks. Without Christ, this year would be a DISASTER. We would NOT have made it. That's some truth there.
The devastating events that transpired this year included a completely unplanned pregnancy, a failed vasectomy (I feel it's important to point them out in that order...one did not cause the other), an increasingly evident mental illness, weary bodies, weary minds, job loss, the passing of my sweet Mama after a long battle with Parkinson's, and a pretty terrifying diagnosis for Mark, along with an insane amount of phone calls, appointments, tests, and the beginnings of a journey to find the right fit for medications. All in one year.
However, in light of all of that, the blessings overflowed as a result, including THE sweetest baby GIRL we could have ever imagined, an intense deepening in my spiritual life, an immense increase in my patience, the realization that we are surrounded by an army of helpers, an awareness of those around us who are in need, being way more sensitive to both our own needs and those of our loved ones, legitimate progress in Mark's wellness, and a renewed love for my husband and family.
I feel like the "catch phrase" for 2017 for us is "God will comfort us". The most vibrant promises I have clung to in this battle this year has been from the book of Isaiah:
Isaiah 49:8
This is what the Lord says: “In the time of my favor I will answer you, and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people, to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances..."
Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
God is so good!
On a less sentimental note, our 2017 has been really full, and here's a rundown of all we've been up to this year! I'm going to break it down into categories here, so bear with me ;)
January We started the new year by finishing up our Christmas celebrations down in Iowa. January brought some pretty gloomy days with an intensely cold winter, but we made the best of it with weekly Sunday afternoon trips to Okoboji for the $5 swim days at Bridges Bay water park. We celebrated Cashel's 5th birthday with a fun trip to Sioux Falls and our first (and hopefully last) trip to Chuck E Cheese.
February brought more frigid temps and Cashel's final WinterFest performace for preschool, We took a really fun family vacation to San Diego and Los Angeles from the 7th-13th, where we met up with a couple of Amy's long time internet Mama friends and their families as well as Daniel, Iryna and Sofie (Mark's brother) and buddies Dave and Vicky. We enjoyed the beach, Seaport Village, the San Diego Zoo, SeaWorld, and lots of fun time visiting family and friends. Upon our return, we made a trip to Humboldt to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday. We had lots of fun during short periods of warmer temps for playing in the snow.
March brought more short periods of warmer temps, so we were outside more. We celebrated Ryan's 1st birthday on the 12th, however, with a blizzard that ended up forcing us to cancel the party and just celebrate with our little family. We also enjoyed a surprise visit from Mark's sister and her family.
All along the way, Baby Johnson continued to grow, and in April, we found out it would be a baby GIRL, although we had decided beforehand that we would be keeping the gender a secret until she was born.
brought lots more jacket weather, which we were SO grateful for, so we spent a lot more time out in our yard. My Mom's battle with Parkinson's became more and more frightening, as she began what amounted to almost monthly ER visits and hospital stays, so I was down to Humboldt every few weeks to visit with her. We continued to make almost weekly trips down to Bridges Bay to swim on Sunday afternoons, and we celebrated Easter both at our home with Dad, Pam and the kids as well as down in Humboldt with the Ropte clan. Kendrick also started doing a weekly preschool prep program at his future preschool on Tuesday afternoons for 90 minutes throughout the month, which he LOVED!
May brought the end of preschool for Cashel and the beginning of "summer". I made two more trips down to Iowa to see my Mom, one of which was Mother's Day, which turned out to be my very last one to spend with my sweet Mama, as she went to be with Jesus in early October.
June was a pretty up and down month for us. It started with a kid-free weekend with my Mom down in Humboldt for Mark and I. I didn't sleep much, as I was so worried about her at night that she might roll out of bed and hurt herself, but we did have lots of great memories together. We went on to celebrate Riverfest, spent lots of time at the pool, strawberry picking, and we had our annual trip to pick strawberries at Schumaker's in Heron Lake.
In the middle of the month, Mark lost his job and we began the long journey to figure out what was going on with his intense personality changes. Just a few days later, we took off for the Wisconsin Dells on an already-paid-for vacation we had been planning, which was great timing. We had fun swimming, bowling, visiting the indoor amusement park, going on a little train ride, trying our hand at mini golf, and going to Circus World.
After returning from our trip, Mark's brother arrived in Minnesota for about 6 weeks, and we attended Mark's 20th high school reunion at Round Lake Winery.
The day after that, we were back down to Humboldt on the 24th for a wedding and we had family pictures taken as well.
At the end of the month, we helped out with our church's VBS program doing the games with the kids. To say June was busy is an understatement!
All the while...I was growing more and more weary of being pregnant and dealing with all the demands of 3 VERY busy little boys and a mentally ill husband.
July started out with a BANG! We celebrated down in Worthington with Beach Bash and had lunch with Dad, Pam, Grandma Vi and Jess.
We spent the 4th of July in Fairmont at the aquatic center there.
We enjoyed more time visiting with Daniel in the area, did a little jet skiing and tubing, and finally got the chance to meet with a Psychologist to begin the process of figuring out what was going on with Mark. Cashel also played tykes teeball in June and July, which he only enjoyed marginally, and both older boys completed swim lessons again.
Mostly, though, we spent a LOT of time like this, waiting for baby to show up. Her due date was the 31st, but she waited much longer than that to arrive.
Mark had an MRI at the end of the month, which came back normal, so we began pursuing the next steps, which included Neuropsych Testing in Mankato, which we were upset to find out wouldn't begin until mid-September.
started out extremely rough. Mark was getting worse and worse, and not working was making things even worse, but we had no answers. Add to that an overdue Mama who was well over her ripening point, and three extremely active boys who were all out of sorts with a weary Mama and inattentive Daddy, and those first 9 days of the month were exhausting. We waited the first two full weekends of the month for Kinsley to arrive, but she was taking her sweet time, so instead we celebrated Mark's birthday the one weekend, and the next one, the big boys went to daycare camp out and we made it to the final Vikings Training Camp in Mankato with Ryan. And yet still...no Kinsley.
Finally, a full 10 days past her due date, Kinsley Jo arrived at 11:30pm on August 9th. She was 9lbs 5oz and 21 inches long and the most perfect little baby girl I have ever seen in my life.
The rest of the month we spent adjusting as a family, and managed to get out and enjoy what was left of the summer, but oh were the days long!
We enjoyed the Cottonwood County Fair this year as well!
I finally managed to make it down to visit my Mama again, who had been just moved to a care center, as her battle with Parkinson's was nearing the final stages. She had no idea the struggles we had been facing, which was so hard. My Mama has always been my best friend, and so not being able to share my life with her was excruciating. The anxiety it would have caused her, however, would have been unbearable to her frail, anxiety-ridden body. This picture brings tears to my eyes, realizing that I had no idea that two short months later, she would be gone.
We celebrated big kid Kendrick's 4th birthday at the end of the month with a little party down in Worthington, and then just us at the house in Windom.
September
We kept busy in September with all sorts of fun events, including the Jackson Kite Festival, Reinbows Kids Rodeo and King Turkey Day.
We also squeezed in some apple and pumpkin picking after Turkey Day, which has become a really fun family tradition.
The big kids headed off to school: Cashel to Kindergarten, and Kendrick to his first year at preschool. They both absolutely love school and are both doing excellent!
We ended the month by celebrating our 11 year anniversary, visiting Terrace View Fall Festival in Mankato, and then Kendrick had a repeat allergist appointment (in which we determined that yes, he's still allergic to all nuts), and Mark finally was able to do the Neuropsych testing we had been waiting for.
And then...Kinsley and I went down to visit my Mom for what would be the final time. A short 4 days later, she passed away :(
October
October was rough, guys. Probably the roughest month of the year...and that's saying a lot, with everything we had been dealing with. It started out with my Mom passing away, getting a pretty heavy diagnosis for Mark, and then an absolutely horrible weekend burying my Mama. It still doesn't all feel real, and the only real coping mechanism that has worked thus far is to just not think about it too much, but just keep doing what we need to do to survive. It was hard. Mark was at the worst he had been thus far, and we were all spent. He spent a week at his Dad's, started on meds, and I began to learn what it was like to live as basically a single Mom to not just 4, but basically 5 kids. Maternity leave was exhausting each day, but I continued on with the necessary pieces to my mental health, including a weekly Bible study at our church (Priscilla Shirer's One in a Million study), a bi-monthly MOPS group down in Worthington, and the beginnings of a daily Bible study. This month may have been devastating to the core, but it was a month of immense growth for me spiritually, and it was a turning point.
I did my best to keep the kids mostly unaware of what was going on and busy with more fall fun activities while Mark finished his stay at his Dad's, and then returned home in time to begin helping with harvest. He started on his first meds, which didn't really do much good, if I'm being honest, but did increase his appetite tenfold :(
And then I really began to realize the importance of not only saying "no" to things I just couldn't handle anymore, but also learning to say "yes" to help, and "yes" to meals, and admitting when I couldn't do it all on my own anymore. I don't think there has been a time in my life where I felt closer to God and completely devastatingly broken at the same time.
Oh, and we also threw in a "celebration" for my 36th birthday, which looked a look like the picture depicts...
...and pumpkin carving...
...and Halloween...
November
I had been equally dreading November and looking forward to it: November was my start back to work, back to routine, but also back to having a little time in my day where my focus wasn't fully on my circumstances and how awful they were. The transition back to work actually went extremely smooth, which SO many people had been praying for. Those last few days of maternity leave were so precious.
We finally got the boys out for a day "helping" with harvest. We weren't out nearly as much this year, as Mark was going out there during the days instead of in the evenings like previous years. Ryan got to go on his first combine ride, and he was a total pro!
Every once in a while, we'd see a little glimpse of who Mark really was deep down inside - the guy who loved his family and genuinely wanted to spend time with all of us. It was so encouraging...but usually they were just little glimpses: Moments in time, which were followed by really rough times again, in which he was back to his horribly inattentive, hermit-like hole again. After his first six weeks on his first med, we determined that it wasn't working very well and asked for something else, so he started a second one that seemed initially to be doing a little more good, but quickly we realized was still doing not much more than making him more insatiable, sleep worse, and just miserable overall.
Daniel and his family came for a week long visit at the end of November over Thanksgiving, and we enjoyed our time with them, including some gingerbread house making, a nice Thanksgiving dinner, and a beautiful walk out at Wolf Lake.
The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we met with our Johnson family on Mark's Dad's side for a big Thanksgiving at the church there.
December
December was busy, overwhelming, and just long. We ended up seeing Santa 4 times I think?
I feel like we spent a lot of time doing this:
...but it left me feeling really tapped out much of the time. We really enjoyed a great night out in Sioux Falls, though, on the 10th for dinner and the "A Glorious Night" concert with For King and Country and Casting Crowns. It was good for the soul!
We enjoyed a few seasonal activities, like our city's Christmas By Candlelight event, the Kiwanis Holiday Lights in Mankato, and the kids' Christmas program at church.
Mark had a busy month of appointments, including a Neurologist, meds management, and the Genesight test, which we anxiously awaited results from to determine his new med adjustment. Every week or so, I'd break down again, losing sight of who God was, and then I'd recover, and life was okay again, and sometimes it was even wonderful!
We celebrated Christmas with Dad and Pam and the kids at our house after the program, which was a fun time together!
We opted to keep it a quieter Christmas at home this year instead of going up to Minneapolis to celebrate with Mark's Mom's side of the family, as it was just a bit far to go with all the kids, so we enjoyed a quiet Christmas Eve with church in the morning AND evening, and opening a few gifts that night, then had Mark's Mom over to celebrate on Christmas Day for a bit.
We were really bummed to miss the Christmas down at the Ropte farm this year, but with 3/6 of us coming down with a tummy bug that week after Christmas, we decided we'd rather not share. That weekend ended up being ENTIRELY way too long, if I'm being honest: The temps were INSANELY low, and well...
OVERALL...
This year was HARD. But we learned what it means to stay together. We learned what it means to hold each other up. We learned what it meant when we said our vows 11 years ago. We learned what love really is. I don't wish a year like this on my worst enemy, but what I DO wish for each of you is that you would come to know the Lord in the way I've known him this year. There is SO much joy in my life just overflowing, even in those hard days. Our family is stronger because Christ is our focus, and I am VERY much looking forward to 2018 with Him being the focus at the start. 2017 may not have gone the way I would have imagined in my wildest dreams, but God is good. He loves us. He has good things in store for us this coming year.
