Lately in Windom (July 2018)

We started the month pretty crappy, honestly. I came down with strep, and didn't realize it until a Sunday morning, so I used the Doctor on Demand app to get my prescription, which worked GREAT...except I called it to the wrong pharmacy (which I thought opened at 8am, and actually wasn't open at ALL on Sunday), and while the process to get the prescription called in and see a doctor only took 10 minutes, the process to get the script transferred to a pharmacy that was open took SIX HOURS. SIX HOURS in Worthington, and everyone we tried calling on to give us a break was either out of town, busy, or not answering or calling back. it was an awfully long day, but by the end of it, I was on the road to recovery.

It's always an adventure with little boys lol

Getting these guys to pose for a picture anymore is just not a thing lol

This face of Kendrick's is one of my favorites. This is his "I'm having the time of my life" sorta contemplating face.
Where he's just so happy. I love it :)

It is just so blissful to watch these big brothers take the little ones under their wing ;)

Miss Sassy Pants is on the verge of taking those first steps!

I'm so thankful for helpers! Mark's Dad came with us to Beach Bash this year (or rather met us there), and it was nice to be able to relax a little and only keep my eyes open for a couple kids instead of all 4.

I feel like I deserve a break after this year. Another climbing soon-to-be-toddler is not really what I had in mind for said "break".

I'm so glad that we only do this fireworks thing once a year. It took a few days to get back to "normal" after that 3 hour past bedtime night.
Eeek! But we had a lot of fun!

This was about 2 years in the making, but the past two years have just been too crazy (or I was too overwhelmed...or pregnant). He was terrified of his big kid bike and wouldn't go near it. Yeah...I held on for all of 15 seconds and he was off for the next hour ;) So proud of my big kid!
Next up on the sorely neglected things my 6 year old should know how to do by now: Learning to tie his shoes.

We had some pretty crazy flooding from the East fork of the Des Moines river in the first part of the month. I cut out of work a couple hours early to go help fill sandbags with my boss's approval. (In fairness, the plant was empty for the holiday weekend anyway, and I was one of the unlucky few who didn't have extra vacation time to take it off)

It was crazy to see our favorite park completely covered. It was a couple weeks before we were able to return, and the bugs were NUTS! The city kept fogging for them, but it just was crazy!

Seriously.

We took this guy out for a parade on a super hot July Saturday afternoon in Mankato. I have been pleasantly surprised at how well he has been doing lately. It's good for my soul, but also so hard for all of us.

We ran into these guys too! So fun to see some family!

Being the one who has to drive everywhere has forced me to make concessions when it comes to drinks. I'm not a BIG drinker anyways (maybe 1-2 drinks a week, and sometimes I'll go a month without any), but I've grown accustomed to asking for any mixed drinks to be half-strength, or to get the shot glass on the side. It definitely works for me! Still...I think the sugar is probably a bigger concern in this particular one lol

I just love watching my boys all come together :) The big boys have found this dino hunter kiosk game, and they all love to watch each other play.

We've had this firepit since before the kids were born, and yet this is seriously the third fire we've ever made in it. The big kids requested s'mores, and I had a ton of excess brush from trimming the bushes out front, so I figured why not? Yeah...two little boys who refused to go to bed until 10pm is the "why not". I paid for it for 3 days afterwards.

I didn't realize this until after taking the picture (the lighting makes it hard to see the images outside), but this kid! Grrr! I told both of the boys that they had to go inside and wash their hands before eating s'mores. Apparently this is "clean".

I did learn that Cashel is more like his Daddy - refuses to eat the marshmallows charred, while Kendrick is more like me in that he'll take 'em burnt to a crisp.

I hate it when babies are like this on the gate. We've had terrible luck getting gates to stay put in this part. I'm always so relievd when they finally get the hang of the stairs so I don't have to have the gate there. On another note, HOW is she SO BIG??

Here's a tip for those of you with little boys who aren't quite at superhero costume level yet: Right after Halloween, stop in at Walmart. They have their Halloween costumes on super discount. I think I bought 7 costumes last year for $20 total. They are getting a LOT of use right now.

'Tis the season!

Oh how I love this little guy :)

You never really know what you're going to walk into when you come in the door around 6:30pm at our house lol

I haven't really been in a "mirror selfie" mode for a while. I've got a LONG ways to go before I'm back anywhere near my original pre-pregnancy size, but I am not completely in self-loathing territory either.

She has absolutely no idea how close she is to figuring out this walking thing.

My kids make it worth keeping on keeping on. They show me there is so much more life worth living. We miss Daddy so, so very much, but we're not sitting in a corner crying and pouting about it most of the time. I mean, there are times for me, but the kids keep it upbeat (or completely insane) most of the time.

This kid is just growing too fast :( He looks like such a teenager...and he's six :(

He has no shortage of fans, though. Granted, I don't think he really cared so much ;)

I sure do love these guys, but pictures like this just makes me realize exactly HOW outnumbered I am. I'm a little terrified of the teenager years.

This little girl is going to have a lot more dinos than princesses in her future, I just have this feeling...

This guy passed level 2 the first time with flying colors! He wants to tackle level 3 this winter even!

It isn't often that we get to see these guys anymore! Life just gets in the way :( But my college roommie Mandy brought her two kiddos for a fun park date and then a picnic type lunch at our house afterwards. It was so good to see her kiddos growing, and we can't wait to meet her newest little one any day now!

Love her!

Just an average everyday dinner at our house...except we're missing 2! It was daycare campout weekend, and it was just myself and the babies that Friday night. It was a nice break from the energy level of the two big kids for sure!
And the babies went to stay with Grandpa and Grandma for the day in Worthington on Saturday so that I could go do some fun things on Saturday like...

...a pre-Birthday celebration for Mark's 39th birthday! I picked him up and brought him home for the day to do some jet skiing and have a little party with his buddies at our home :)

What a huge difference a few years makes, huh? I sure do miss this guy!

Seems like ages ago when this used to be a pretty normal scene at our house on a Saturday evening.

I struggle every year with decorating Mark's cake. He always insists on yellow cake with chocolate frosting, and well...most sprinkles don't show up really well on a chocolate cake. It was super tasty, though!

With FTD, the urge to devour sweets is great - like that of a toddler, really. This guy couldn't wait to lick the candles, so I had to just hold them up for the picture lol

I LOVE this swing in our backyard. My latest problem is that the kids have discovered how great it is too, now, so I don't get out there as often as I would like :(

These two are a force to be reckoned with. Many more fun years ahead ;)

For My Soul

There are some pretty incredible songs in the mix right now that are just speaking to my soul in these moments of grief that wash over me. They sometimes help me to wallow in the pain and grieve, and other times they lift me up. Some are inspirational and others are, well...they're depressing. But the voices speak to me in one way or another, and I thought I might share them with you.

"You're Gonna Be Okay" by Brian and Jenn Johnson

I tend to feel the weakest when I hear someone tell me that in the end, it's all going to be okay. I really do know this deep down inside, but it physically weakens me to hear it. Over the past few weeks, I have gone from feeling extremely weak when I hear this song, to having it slowly make me smile. I really do know that it will be okay.

"Here" by Kari Jobe

"Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur

This one slays me. I usually just love to listen to it and love the mellow feel, but I completely lose it and fall into a puddle when the little old man starts shaking as his wife slips away. James Arthur's voice just soothes me.

"Unsteady" by X Ambassadors

This song doesn't really pertain to our situation, per se. It's written by two brothers about their parents' divorce, but I find the main chorus to just resonate with me:
"Hold
Hold on
Hold on to me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady"

I guess you could say the chorus is my prayer.

"You Are The Reason" Calum Scott

In an interview with Calum on Attitude.com, he writes about this song, "...every relationship has difficult times but you stick with it because the love you fundamentally feel for the other person overrides everything else." Exactly my sentiments ;)

"In Case You Didn't Know" by Brett Young

I feel like if there's a song out there Mark would pick to send to me at this point, it'd be this one. He can't process the whole thought that I need to know he cares, but I know this is how he at least used to feel. It comforts me to know that in his right mind, this would be the kind of song he would pick for me, and I like to envision that. I know right now he has a very difficult time making me feel special, but if you asked him if he wanted me to feel special, he'd adamantly say that he did.

2017 Family Video :: January through June

I've been slowly working on my scrap pages (and video) over the course of the past few months, and am finally caught up to just merely a year ago. It's fun to get back into it, as I haven't had the free time in the evenings in such a long time. Prior to the insanity of a year ago, I had been caught up until about May, so I'm getting there.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did making it, but be prepared that you'll need about half an hour to watch the whole thing ;)

Sabbath and Taking Care of Me

One of the biggest things I've been reminded of over and over and over again during this whole crazy year is that I need to take care of myself. I need to slow down. I need to take time for myself. I need to breathe. My health is of the utmost importance right now: I've got four little kids depending on me, not to mention my husband, for whom I am watching over, even if from afar right now.

Last April, I attended a day-long Simulcast one Saturday of Priscilla Shirer, and at that event, I purchased a few different devotional books. One of them was called Breathe, and it talks about how we need rest in our lives, and that God actually created rest or Sabbath time in order to keep us all in check. Until this year, I really had an extremely limited perspective on what that really meant, but this year, it was the PERFECT devotional for this season of life.

I think in general as people, we're terrible at caring for ourselves. As a Mom, I'm TERRIBLE at it. I mean, I can honestly say that I think I am better at it than a lot of my Mom friends are: I have no trouble buying myself new clothes or shoes or going for a pedicure a few times a year. But real, true rest? I struggle with it.

A few months ago, however, I had a bit of a scare, and at that point, I decided it was time I took this more seriously. I was at work, after another extremely restless night of sleeping between babies in Ryan's slightly uncomfortable (for an adult) bed, and if they weren't waking me, Mark was with his heavy thuds on the floor upstairs when he did his night walking triangle (bedroom, bathroom, living room, bathroom, kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedroom...repeat) repeatedly all.night.long. I was beyond worn out. I was so exhausted that I after three days of my eyes twitching involuntarily, I started to have blurry vision. It was scary. I immediately called to see if I could get in for a massage, and told my boss I was taking the afternoon off. At that point, I was so unwell that I booked massages twice a week for three weeks, and then once a week thereafter. It was a very costly mistake that could have been avoided with more regular personal help.

I had a moment of clarity in which I realized that I needed to do something for myself to get some true rest. So I started researching a trip to Vancouver. By myself. I lined up childcare for my kiddos for a long weekend (between daycare and grandpa and grandma's in Worthington), and I went.

A week before the trip, however, I did the biggest thing, not only for myself, but also for my whole family: I signed papers and moved Mark into a memory care apartment in assisted living in Mankato. It was hard. It was exhausting. But it was so, so, so very necessary. Three days later, I went on my trip as Mark adjusted to living in his new apartment.

The trip was so exhilarating and refreshing (mostly), but mostly, it was just good for me to realize that I am still me. I am more than a wife and mother and caregiver. After this trip, I took things a step further with my self care plan.

I absolutely adored my counselor in Jackson, but I couldn't make it down there for sessions without having to take afternoons off work, which wasn't working for me, so another change I made was to switch back to the counselor I had been seeing prior to Kinsley being born, which proved an excellent adjustment. I was able to start scheduling weekly sessions on Tuesday afternoons, and I also got Cashel and Kendrick in for a few sessions. We worked through the major sleep issues we had been having at home with ALL the kids. It was resolved within a week, and continues on today. Once I was getting sleep, everything else started falling into place.

I've since cut out the massages, as I don't need them as much anymore. I started scheduling ART therapy sessions as needed to work on my hip flexor issue I had been battling since October. I started giving myself the grace of time to manage the household and my own downtime from 3:30-4:30pm every day before picking the kids up from daycare. I started making changes at home that afforded me more rest and less stress: First and foremost being the new fence I had installed. It gave me SO much more carefree time at home, not worrying about the kids running off or getting into traffic (especially Ryan). I also put other safety measures in place, including locking up all the knives and scissors, putting locks on the closet doors so the kids wouldn't just pull things out. Hiding all the snacks so they wouldn't ruin their appetite for supper. I also started asking for more help with the kids, even sometimes for an hour or two, so I could breathe a little more, and I made it a point to continue on with my spiritual growth by maintaining my 5am time with Jesus in the mornings.

I'm still broken, most certainly: All of us are in our own ways. I'm not sure I'll ever be the person I was before FTD stole the love of my life away from me. I'm growing to be okay with that, even if it isn't the deepest desire of my heart. But I'm also resting, knowing that the Lord is guiding me. He is my stronghold, and he wants what is the very, very best for me. I do not still understand how this can turn out for good, but of the many incredible things the Lord has taught me through this battle, it's that I am strong in the Lord. I can do hard things with the Lord guiding me. But the Lord created rest so that we can be rejuvenated, and if I don't take that rest, I am going to fall apart. So...I'm working on it.

Life Changes

It struck me the other day just how intricate all the details of my life have had to become; or, really, how muddled they are. It's an oxymoron, I know. Things that were once so ridiculously simple to the average person are now things I have to carefully plan for down to the tiniest detail, and then also plan to probably never actually execute those plans. It makes no sense to anyone who hasn't been there, but I'll do my best to explain. If you aren't in for a lengthy explanation, then just skip the part of this post in the box below.

A trip to visit Mark is a trip full of compromise, mostly. I have to have a plan of what we're doing, or else Mark gets confused, so we can't fly by the seat of our pants: I have to plan. But I also have to consider that he may not make it more than 30 minutes on any outing, so I have to always keep in the back of my mind that my plans may have to entail corralling all our kids as quickly an efficiently back to the van, sometimes even before they actually have touched any of their food, strap them all in, then go back in and handle the leftover chaos while Mark waits impatiently in the van with them all so that I can take him back to his facility.

In theory, it would all seem reactionary, but the truth is that it's all part of my plan, which is usually full of modifiable plans, such as:

Go out to eat. If Mark is having a good day, then we go to a sit down restaurant, but if not, then it's Culver's. Always, always, always try to make sure to sit as close to the bathroom as possible. With FTD, Mark has to at least try to go about every 20 minutes, even if he doesn't actually have to go. But...I have to keep my eye on him when he goes, because while he's not problematic with it right now, FTD patients have a tendency to eventually start wandering, and that could start happening at any point in time. I have to make sure that when he goes in, he comes back out and then comes back to the table and not wandering around to eat food off other peoples' plates or something.

If I didn't have a plan, I'd feel and look like a chicken with my head cut off, however, the truth is that I just look like a chicken with my head cut off, but I don't feel like that. My careful planning means that I know that the first thing I have to do is to get my babies safe and not lost, and that means getting them in the van. It means that I have to make sure I've got cash on me to throw down on the table should we have to leave abruptly, so that the waitstaff doesn't think we're dining and dashing. The food can wait, picking up the toys can wait, leaving a mess is a calculated thing now that I don't apologize for (but tip more heavily). I have to make sure we're going places that serve food relatively quickly, just in case, but also places that serve food appropriate for little kids, and that my kids will actually eat. I have to chose places that aren't too loud or chaotic so that Mark isn't too over-stimulated (although lately he has been doing okay with even the chaos of Buffalo Wild Wings, so that was a shock to me.)

I have to plan ahead to know who I have to strap in first, that I need to hit the child locks on the van so that when I put Ryan in the van, he can't escape while I'm strapping in Kinsley, and then I must immediately strap in Ryan or he'll escape. The big boys, I have to calculate that they are smart enough to at least not hurt themselves or someone else in the trek from the restaurant to the van, but I also have to know exactly what triggers them to get in the van as fast as possible, and if the first trigger doesn't work today (say, ice cream, or getting to ride on the animals at the mall), what backup triggers WILL work (say the promise that when they get home, they can play with their neighbor friends, or that if they hurry up and we get Daddy home, we can stop at the waterfall this time, or go see the Buffalo). This is all assuming that for now, Mark will make a beeline to the van and get in without any issues. For now, he's totally "on" in that regard, thankfully.

However...If he's still doing good and we make it through the whole meal, then we can all go into the mall for a bit. We always choose the mall, mainly because, especially on not-so-busy days, it's easy to keep track of everyone, even if they're running off. It's fairly spacious, and you can see for long distances. The kids and Mark never want to actually go into any stores (thankfully - helps from people getting lost), and they have lots of stuff to entertain the kids. And...they have a Caribou (praise Jesus!) and a carousel and video games and a kiddie area and rides, and well...most of the time, there's hardly anyone there at 1pm on a Saturday afternoon (which seems strange to me, but it's true - I suppose they're all out at restaurants still, having lunch).

I have to note that it's a subtle difference between when Mark says "sure" and if he says "okay". If he says "okay", I know that's (most of the time) not what he really means. Of course, if you ask him, he'd swear up and down that he was okay with it, but "okay" is a sort of trigger word for him, and he says "okay" to pretty much everything. But here's the other thing that only I really can know: Sometimes he says "okay" and he actually means it. Six months ago, I would've been upset if he said "okay" and I believed him and then he wasn't really "okay" with it and would ruin our plans. I can tell now just by reading him while he says it if he really means it or not. But usually, he doesn't use the word "okay" if he really means he is okay with it.

So yeah...depending on that, if I can determine that he isn't really "okay" with stopping, then I recall the closest place that might have the specific item we would need, and then stop for only the very necessary things at the store with the quickest in and out time (sometimes that's a gas station) so Mark can sit with the kids in the van for the shortest period of time possible while I race around and check out very quickly.

But if he's doing "good", then...I must always remember to bring the double stroller so that I can strap the babies in, and then have either Cashel or Kendrick push the stroller so they feel like they're in charge, and it contains those 3 kids all at once, so I just have Kendrick and Mark to worry about. Otherwise, I have to depend upon the much-too-fickle big brothers to corral Ryan, and well...that can be a hot mess much of the time, even if a lot of the time they can be big helpers. I just never really know when they'll decide to listen and when they don't feel up to it, so I have to plan accordingly.

If Mark starts seeming agitated within a few minutes due to the noise and visual stimulation, hit Target right away and let him pick out some snacks, then do just as much additional shopping as he can handle before heading to check out. If he isn't, relax a bit and try to plan ahead for all the upcoming needs (birthday party for Cashel's friend, Kendrick needs new shoes, we need laundry soap, etc.) that I could probably find on Amazon Prime, but would be nice to just take home with us right away and not have to think about later. If not, make a mental note to order them online to be delivered later that week.

The overall gist is: When we go to visit Mark, nothing can be mandatory. We can't have anything that MUST be done, and if there is any of that, I have to plan efficiently to do it by myself with 4 kids in tow, before or after we see Mark. Any and all pieces of the puzzle have to be optional, but must also be adequately planned out to be successful, or else all our plans will fall to the wayside, and not only will I have a husband at his wits end, extremely agitated and twitchy, but I'll also have some pretty unruly little kids who are upset because they drove an hour just to come and do nothing fun and now are looking at sitting in a boring old assisted living apartment when they really want to run up and down the halls somewhere and bounce off the walls. If that means wasting $40 in movie tickets because we have to walk out after the beginning credits, then so be it.

I guess you could say it's my way of trying to keep some semblance of order even when I have absolutely no control over Mark or his behaviors or the kids or theirs. I have zero control over any of it, but what I CAN control is how I will react when Mark suddenly takes off and I have to react quickly. And really, truthfully, having 4 little kids ages 6 and under help with having the life skills to know how to do that, so I guess you could say God used them to prepare me for this stage of life with Mark.

It's stressful, no doubt, but being part of the FTD caregivers and spouses groups on Facebook has shown me that this phase Mark is in, where he's still even capable of leaving the home and spending even mildly enjoyable time with us all is short, and we should take advantage of it. There will be days in the future where we go to visit and must only stay at the home. There will be days where we will even have to prompt him to take a few bites. He will eventually struggle to even swallow his food, and we'll have to resort to pureed and soft foods. We need to embrace this chaos for the time being. I'll have my days to look back and shake my head and smile, remembering just how crazy these days are, and I'll miss them tremendously.

BUT...I also need to know my limits, and what is or isn't wise. Taking the kids and Mark to Sibley park to see the animals, a mere 3 miles from Mark's apartment is a safe bet, however taking them to the Zoo 3 hours away isn't a safe bet, and probably shouldn't be attempted. An overnight with Mark is a bad idea as well, and any plans that would keep him away from his apartment past 5pm are a horribly bad idea and should never, under any circumstances be attempted.

It's funny how life changes, really. I remember a year ago saying, "I'm so glad God didn't give me what I asked for when I wanted to know what the next 5 years would look like. If I knew I'd be 2 weeks from my due date with an unexpected baby, my husband would have lost his job, and I would be pursuing help from professionals because there was something tremendously wrong with my husband, I would probably have made some choices to change things up." And yet...a year has passed, and I now know that a year ago was not the worst things could be. My husband is slowly dying from an incurable degenerative brain disorder, living in an assisted living facility in the memory care wing, and that little baby girl is almost a whole year old. Funny how a year ago, I thought things were at the worst they could possibly be, and now I'm thinking the same thing. What will another year bring? I think I'm content just living things out and not knowing at this point. If there's anything I've learned over the past few years, it's that even just a few days can bring so much change that it turns your whole world upside down. I've learned to be content at the life changes that the Lord brings us through. Obviously, he knows SO much better than I do. After all, he is the one facilitating the entire universe. I'm pretty sure that if life is going to bring more pain, it's for a good cause, and also that He will 100% equip me for whatever is to come. Life is not made up of only mountain top experiences, but also the valleys. The difference between the two is where the good stuff is, even if it's sad; even if it isn't.

Minneopa Falls Day in Mankato (July 14)

We had such a fun day in Mankato (albeit, warmer than we anticipated) in mid July. We went over earlier in the morning than usual and picked Mark up, and left right away to find Minneopa Falls. We had attempted to drive out there a number of years ago before kids and ended up not finding the place, so I stupidly thought maybe it was actually at the Land of Memories park. So...since the road was closed, we parked and got out to walk down there.

We realized after walking a little while that we were going the wrong direction, so I went back to grab the minivan and picked everyone up. A short drive further, and we were there!

I was STUNNED at how incredible this was! I feel like no one makes a big enough deal about how beautiful it is!

I just love how much Ryan loves on his babies. All my boys are going to be just the best daddies some day, Lord willing ;)

One more family shot for good measure ;)

We didn't stay terribly long, and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth when I vetoed Cashel's plan to walk down to the taller waterfall (I didn't want to drag the babies down there, and Mark wasn't really game for it), but it is DEFINITELY going to be a place we return to. We bought a MN parks annual pass, so we can go whenever we feel like it.