Celebrating the birthday boy this year felt significantly less than. I was actually able to go in, but he can't really eat traditional cake anymore, nor can he really talk, and it felt like I was playing dress up with him, and it just felt "off". I had made a Shutterfly book for him, but I didn't get it ordered early enough for it to arrive by his birthday, so I basically just brought him a Snickers' blizzard (his favorite), and stuck a couple candles in it and lit them and let him blow them out and sang Happy Birthday. It was a FAR cry from last year when we had a little party at his place, and we all gathered around and Mark's brother, Daniel, was there as well.
I have truly appreciated the ability to go shopping again! Of course, outside the dressing rooms, masks are required, but it's kinda fun to try clothes on again and grab a drink from Caribou on self-care days.
Not one to debate the masks, but it feels really strange that we have to wear masks during a closed window visit. I mean, we'll do what we have to do, but doesn't that seem weird to anyone else?
We were thankful for a cloudier day for a window visit, because on the sunny days, we actually can't see him at all.
Felt pretty this particular day. Thought I'd document it ;)
Kendrick is thrilled that this year he can climb the tree without help. Last year he was too short.
Goodness, guys - her smile! Does her face not just exude joy?
Exploring at the farm! I'm thinking maybe I should enroll Ryan in gymnastics? Holy cow! He's practically doing the splits!
I took the kiddos out for 4-wheeler rides while Grandpa did some tractor rides. I left feeling a little broken, honestly. It's so different going out to the farm without Mark being there. I know it has been 3 years already, but I spent over a decade going out there just to see him. I'm more than thankful to carry on the legacy and get them out there, but it's hard. I loved watching him be a Dad and he was SO good at it.
If this isn't just a great depiction of the family lol This cracks me up! So Ryan, who has been potty trained for over a year and a half, has been struggling at home off and on with wanting to pee outside. We live in a residential neighborhood, so let's just say I try to discourage that, right? So we go out to the farm, where it's free-peeing territory, pretty much ANYWHERE, for MILES around, and the kid walks over to the car and stands there and pees his pants. I didn't have a spare set of clothes with me, because, I mean, he's 4, and he hasn't had regular accidents in well over a year, so he got to wear his sister's pull up lol
Super adventurous, these ones are. Oy!
I feel like a villian when I am getting into the office or about to walk out of it, where masks are required lol
The Facebook Portal has been our saving grace throughout this pandemic. We love to video chat with Mark, even if sometimes it's sobering. They've been giving him his meds mixed in with applesauce since Thanksgiving, when he had a scary choking incident and they put him on a mechanical soft foods diet. What I hadn't been prepared for then, or on a subsequent visit, was that they have to actually feed him the applesauce like a child, because otherwise he won't get all the meds. How on earth can such a "normal" looking grown middle-aged man be so sick that this is necessary? It's so wrong.
I started doing date afternoons with one kid each week last month, and it has been SUCH a highlight to my weeks. This particular date with Cashel, he wanted to go buy junk food and then come snuggle Mama and watch some Netflix. I forget sometimes that my big kids want to snuggle just like my little ones do ;)
The two little ones were GIDDY that they got a whole dollar to pick out snacks during Kendrick's swimming lessons.
This month, we finally qualified to apply for Medicaid/Medical Assistance for Mark. It was far beyond overwhelming, and it felt so good when, halfway through the month, I was finally able to submit the application. I just got notification today that he qualifies for the CADI waiver through Blue Earth county, pending approval of Medical Assistance through Cottonwood County. Now, it's a waiting game. They have all the pieces of information that they've asked of me. Feels surreal that we're at this point.
Thinking this guy may end up needing glasses! He had a bit of a meltdown earlier in the month, and one of the things he said during it was that he was "so stupid" and "couldn't even read good", so I recommended that we work on it together, and as he was trying to read, it just seemed like he was really struggling to figure out what the words really were. I had him try on Cashel's classes (which he NEVER wants to wear - grrr), and he immediately lit up. I've got an appointment for him in November for him (and also for Ryan), so we'll see how this ends up going!
Pedicure time! It's mostly the same, aside from having to wear a mask, and them having the plexiglass shields up. I'll champion self care to anyone who will listen. You have to take care of you, ESPECIALLY if you are in charge of taking care of everyone else. You can't be you if you don't care for yourself.
My little girlie absolutely ADORES being with her girl cousins. I wish she could have a sister, but I mean...that ship has sailed lol It's so fun seeing her be girly, and play with dolls and want to paint her nails and brush and fix hair. She loves to point out that "You're a girl, and I'm a girl, and Mom! We're two girls!" lol
♥
I have NEVER seen a kid love the water more than this one does. I can totally see him joining the swim team!
HOW did they grow up so fast?
I'm not going to lie - I bribed Kendrick with $20 so he would take that initial leap off the diving board this particular day. He has had a rough year, and he needed a "win". He was SO SCARED, and I knew he wouldn't be the second he went for it, so after 12 attempts at going, he finally did it, and BOY did I love seeing that self-confidence boost. Sometimes, bribery is for the greater good of us all ;)
This is why paint is only a sometimes thing lol
Continuing to kill it at the gym lately! In the shadows, there is beginning to lurk some definition! The strange part about it is that I've been asked on numerous occasions just how much weight I've lost, and I chuckle and say, "Umm...I've gained 10lbs, and I already had 30 to lose, so..." #MuscleWeighsMoreThanFat
So thankful for fun candles and cake picks lol I am not the best cake decorator in the county, and it's all box mix and canned frosting, but we'll take it! How is she 3?
She just HAD to rip all her presents open immediately, and it was just so cute to see how excited she was!
Birthday Girl!
#BirthdayVibes
The reason I don't use filters is because I don't think the original is that bad to begin with.
Favorite new mug!
I always like taking pictures of my kids with my DSLR on their birthdays. I may never get around to doing her 3 year recap, so here are a couple of my favorites.
Sassy!
Those fingers ♥
That hair lol
She was SO EXCITED about her "Elsa bed"!
These guys make the weary days and nights worth it all. ♥
Make a wish, cutie pie!
It's hard to believe that it was just at the beginning of this month that he still had a normal bed. By the month's end, he switched to a hospice bed, as his mattress was just too contaminated to continue sleeping on. The small milestones are sometimes the big ones for me.
Oh my goodness is he just a little ray of sunshine...sometimes lol
So, um, whoever told this little lady she could grow up like this...stop, please! Also, yes, I did finally get her to have the dress off long enough for me to trim up that train, because holy crap was that long!
It's blurry because we were having so much fun lol
Took this one just before a boot to the face. I'm working hard to help Kins Jo Pants understand that when you love somebody, you don't kick them and punch them and pinch them. I mean, I'm glad it's not out of anger, but still!
I love watching them be brothers ♥
Riverfest Fireworks were a HUGE hit this year!
The get along the best when they're exploring or playing video games. The problem with exploring is that they sometimes take things a little too far and have to be heavily supervised (hello, "let's build a treehouse!") lol
The boys had a pretty fun time fishing at the Riverfest fishing tournament this year with Uncle Daniel and Grandpa Kent! Cashel ended up with 3 bullheads on the morning, but Kendrick ended up skunked. Now, he just keeps asking me to take him fishing lol #IllCatchFishAllDayLong but... #MamaDontTouchTheFish
Maple Bacon Mini Doughnuts for breakfast? I don't mind if I do!
I love how he's eyeing that bullhead lol Like, "Don't you DARE even THINK about stinging me!" The first bullhead I ever had to take off the hook, I didn't know they could sting you, and it took a VERY long time to stop hurting.
Fun with friends after the pool had to close due to some human contamination (which, thankfully wasn't one of MY kids, because it's a great fear I have, for SURE!)
We don't get to catch up nearly often enough these days. Nance and I have been friends for 15 years - we met at college in Orange City.
I'm all "time to go to the parade, let's get ready!" Kinsley is all, "Did you say go play in puddles?" and Cashel is all, "Socks are the new shoes", and Ryan is all, "long pants are totally appropriate when it's 90 degrees out, right?" Kendrick sat down near his friend, basically being all Dan Ropte on us, and "You guys are such dorks!" lol
Just a little girl and her giant green pumpkin full of candy. They hid it all over the house after the parade and played trick or treat lol
This seriously never happens: They're always fighting about something, or at least someone is. It was a kodak moment to find them all just hanging out in the back yard.
We enjoyed running into our old neighbors at Riverfest. They moved early in the month to a town about 10 miles away from us. Randy is so great with the boys, and it totally made me ugly cry later on seeing this picture. I really appreciate the guys who have stood up and been good, manly influences on my boys.
One thing, as a Mom, that you have to really learn to give up is your expectations. I'm working on a post that is taking a VERY long time, about this exact thing. Our expectations are what ruin us. My expectation for this particular day was to drop the big boys off to go fishing and then take the littles home and go through clothes for the kids before school while the little two watch a movie or nap. How it ended up happening, however, was that they ran off, I had to chase them down, and then they ended up sitting down in the little ducky pond, getting completely soaked, and then spending the rest of the afternoon in the lake. I was so growly and grouchy and yelling and so, so, so frustrated. As a single Mom, I don't even have enough hours in the day to do the NORMAL things, but big, transitional things like that, I have to carve aside time for it. So yeah...I wasn't in a great mood. What's more? No one caught any fish, and the boys gave up after 20 minutes, and everyone claimed they didn't have "any fun". I know I'll miss these days, but man...
HOWEVER...as an aside, they DID have fun. I've overheard them talking about it here and there, and they DID enjoy their day.
When the boss man is away, the network fan gets loud and has to be replaced. This job is SO much more than just a developer job lol
I look at her so often and it still feels surreal. HOW is she MINE? Honestly, I go back to the days around when I found out I was pregnant with her, and the myraid tears I shed. I knew God knew I needed her, but I was so scared and so terrified. I was already in way over my head, I was ready to walk away from Mark because he was a completely different person than who I had married, and it just came at the wrong time...for me. But God knew. He knew. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without her. She brings a level of joy to the rest of us that we would have missed so much. She kept me sane during the worst parts of this battle to get a diagnosis and placement and then championing for him while trying to keep everyone thriving at home and at work. God knew. But I was so scared.
Couldn't even make it upstairs to the table before collaborating for a little Team Umizoomi and their Happy Meals.
Oh MAN is this accurate. Thankfully, I really don't struggle much with anxiety that is palpable, but when I am anxious about something, it's this, entirely.
I try my best not to let the inner geek come out often, but for some reason, this one just had me cracking up SO MUCH. Like...giggling off an on for over 15 minutes. I don't giggle at memes lol
This is my challenge these days. How it will all pan out, I couldn't tell you, but I'm enjoying sculpting my future, bit by bit.
Love this guy so much!
I made an impromptu decision to hit up Redwood Falls
Red-faced after a crazy adventure under the bridge where the water usually falls. We did a LOT of adventuring this particular weekend, and I think it's safe to say we ALL need a physical activity break after the month of August. #Memories
Written communication, for the win!
My girl Jill and I got away for an evening to unwind sans-kids for a bit, and it was so great! We both are looking forward to a repeat evening soon!
It really does amaze me that the more weight I gain, the smaller I look. I've struggled with self-worth and body image pretty much my entire life. (Being a 5'6" girl in the 5th grade will do that to ya). It feels good to be in a place where I'm really not freaking out about what the scale says and am way more focused on how I efel and how my clothes fit.
Isn't her ponytail the cutest? She NEVER lets me put one in, but this particular day it was SO HOT!
Adventure #2 of the weekend: A hike to Minneopa Falls! It wasn't nearly as daunting as I had envisioned, so that was really fun, actually.
They are so, so cute together most of the time. I don't want them to grow up, while simultaneously not being able to wait for them to grow up lol
I was pleasantly surprised to be able to go back in for an in-person visit with Mark (I thought it would be just a window one), but man, it was sobering to see his new bed.
I got to clip his fingernails and toenails during my visit. It was so nice to feel his skin for the first time in a while.
Another situation where I was in the fitting room thinking to myself, "I look so awful! Man - this was just a bad idea all around!" Then I get home and am scrolling through pictures and I almost don't recognize myself. I've spent so many years shaming my body that I never really saw myself for who I am. This is NOT how I want to raise my kids, especially my daughter, so I'm working on it.
Kendrick had a ROUGH day last week. So rough that I had to go pick him up early from his day program and burn some vacation time. We went home, and after he cooled down, we talked. He's struggling. He misses his Dad. His birthday was coming up, and it wasn't feeling special. He is so tired of being in this limbo that FTD creates. He said he wanted to make his OWN memory book like Cashel had from the ECFE program when he was a little guy, so we set to print out some pictures of his choosing and I cut out some pages for him to glue them onto. I don't know if it's good or bad or what it is for him to remember. I feel like I've accepted that Mark is gone, but he's stuck in this place between knowing he needs to love his Dad and forgetting that his Dad ever actually loved him.
While we were going through pictures, he came across this picture of Mark from before we had any kids and his deer. He wanted to hear all about it, and thought it was SO COOL that Daddy had gotten this deer.
So...I decided to bring out the old European mount deer head from the laundry room, and he couldn't stop gushing about it. I forget that they need pieces of Daddy to remind them. I forget that while it does me more good to put those things away, that they need to remember too. They want stories about their Dad, just like other kids have stories about THEIR Dads and all their accomplishments. They need to know that he wanted to build cars with them and get them into sprint car (dirt track) racing and take them to NASCAR races. They need to know about how he tore his ACL playing basketball in 2010 and how he was so brave and strong (and, really, kinda stupid) that he delayed his ACL surgery until after our trip to Hawaii. They need to know about the 10lb halibut that their Daddy reeled in on our Alaskan fishing adventure. They need to know which books Daddy read to them when they were little. They need to hear his voice and remember what it was like to be loved by their Daddy. They need to know that at one point, they mattered to him in a way that he could express it, and that he actually DID.
One thing is for sure, though, and that is that these boys have got our home protected and locked DOWN lol
I do not want this one to grow up at ALL these days.
Then (2016) and now (2020)
One of my favorite parts of summer!
I had a lot of help this year to get the corn froze. We ended up freezing about 7 dozen this year, using Mark's Grandma's recipe, which is always a big hit! Ryan helped too, but I forgot to get a picture of him.
The littles have been pretty big into the Picasso Tiles Cashel got for his birthday this year.
Kendrick's birthday was destined to be a flop this year, partly due to poor planning on my part, and partly due to people just being busy. He had his heart set on doing a party, but we weren't even sure if we'd have more than 1 kid come, so I made the spur-of-the-moment decision to do a gaming party with the two bigs and their friend Hudson in Sioux Falls at a place called "Galaxy Gaming". I had never heard of it, but it ended up being the perfect fit for them.
They got to go and play a variety of games on the X-Box one in this cool set up, and then played laser tag after that.
Little miss Kins got some Team Umizoomi stuffies for her belated birthday gift from Grandpa and Grandma and Aunt Jess. They are her favorites now.
Official birthday gaming time.
My very favorite sausages: Chicken maple. SO good, and half the sodium and fat as regular sausages.
It amazes me that Kendrick actually opened ALL of his gifts by himself this year! Every other year, the siblings "help", and there's usually a fair amount of fighting that ensues lol
Birthday pancakes for the birthday boy. He's pretty much the only person who had breakfast at all this day, as I picked up 3 other plates of pancakes that had tiny little nibbles later on.
While looking for something else in my bathroom closet, I came across two cans of Barbasol and thought to myself, "the kids would have fun with this, and they might even change their crappy attitudes around. Instead, I got this (with the happy side effect of changing attitudes. Such a mess!
The birthday boy specifically requested this for lunch. I've gotten in the habbit of substituting turkey smoked sausages for hot dogs when I make it, and the eat it right up!
Whackin' the piñata!
A great use for the face masks that my kids never have to use because they only ever go to daycare and home or to outdoor public places lol
I'm kinda hoping eventually she'll find it necessary to wear pants on a regular basis lol
Hey Sissy pants! lol
Kendrick always wants his cake to be in the 9x13 pan. He specifically requested this particular frosting, and I'm gonna be honest: This was such a delicious but gross looking cake. He was just so happy there was cake lol
Happy Birthday, Kendrick! Seven is big kid stuff! I forgot that I had gotten these masks, so, of course, we had to put them on, right?
My favorite pictures every birthday are of my kids blowing out the candles :) Behind the scenes: It took 3 different attempts to let KENDRICK be the one to blow them out. Cashel is kinda a little turd when it comes to birthdays and blowing out candles...
Seriously. Is that not the most disgusting looking cake you've ever seen? lol Kendrick insisted that it be a blue cake with that chocolate buttercream frosting, and I just...I couldn't even hardly eat it lol
It may have gotten a little dicey after the candles were out...
Honestly, this past weekend was exhausting. I'm so tired physically and mentally and my ear canal feels tired even, from listening to all the whining and fighting and yelling. I was FAR beyond grateful that the little two took LONG naps on Sunday afternoon, because I also got a short nap in, and then was able to get the laundry and dishes caught up and get a chunk of the kids' preschool registration forms ready to go. One thing is for sure: Once the kids are finally all ready for school and I don't have a to-do list a mile long, I fully intend to really relax. I can only hope that by that time, my Traveling Vineyard order is here and my kids haven't found some sort of science experiment to use all my epsom salts and bubble bath up.
I have truly appreciated the ability to go shopping again! Of course, outside the dressing rooms, masks are required, but it's kinda fun to try clothes on again and grab a drink from Caribou on self-care days.
Not one to debate the masks, but it feels really strange that we have to wear masks during a closed window visit. I mean, we'll do what we have to do, but doesn't that seem weird to anyone else?
We were thankful for a cloudier day for a window visit, because on the sunny days, we actually can't see him at all.
Felt pretty this particular day. Thought I'd document it ;)
Kendrick is thrilled that this year he can climb the tree without help. Last year he was too short.
Goodness, guys - her smile! Does her face not just exude joy?
Exploring at the farm! I'm thinking maybe I should enroll Ryan in gymnastics? Holy cow! He's practically doing the splits!
I took the kiddos out for 4-wheeler rides while Grandpa did some tractor rides. I left feeling a little broken, honestly. It's so different going out to the farm without Mark being there. I know it has been 3 years already, but I spent over a decade going out there just to see him. I'm more than thankful to carry on the legacy and get them out there, but it's hard. I loved watching him be a Dad and he was SO good at it.
If this isn't just a great depiction of the family lol This cracks me up! So Ryan, who has been potty trained for over a year and a half, has been struggling at home off and on with wanting to pee outside. We live in a residential neighborhood, so let's just say I try to discourage that, right? So we go out to the farm, where it's free-peeing territory, pretty much ANYWHERE, for MILES around, and the kid walks over to the car and stands there and pees his pants. I didn't have a spare set of clothes with me, because, I mean, he's 4, and he hasn't had regular accidents in well over a year, so he got to wear his sister's pull up lol
Super adventurous, these ones are. Oy!
I feel like a villian when I am getting into the office or about to walk out of it, where masks are required lol
The Facebook Portal has been our saving grace throughout this pandemic. We love to video chat with Mark, even if sometimes it's sobering. They've been giving him his meds mixed in with applesauce since Thanksgiving, when he had a scary choking incident and they put him on a mechanical soft foods diet. What I hadn't been prepared for then, or on a subsequent visit, was that they have to actually feed him the applesauce like a child, because otherwise he won't get all the meds. How on earth can such a "normal" looking grown middle-aged man be so sick that this is necessary? It's so wrong.
I started doing date afternoons with one kid each week last month, and it has been SUCH a highlight to my weeks. This particular date with Cashel, he wanted to go buy junk food and then come snuggle Mama and watch some Netflix. I forget sometimes that my big kids want to snuggle just like my little ones do ;)
The two little ones were GIDDY that they got a whole dollar to pick out snacks during Kendrick's swimming lessons.
This month, we finally qualified to apply for Medicaid/Medical Assistance for Mark. It was far beyond overwhelming, and it felt so good when, halfway through the month, I was finally able to submit the application. I just got notification today that he qualifies for the CADI waiver through Blue Earth county, pending approval of Medical Assistance through Cottonwood County. Now, it's a waiting game. They have all the pieces of information that they've asked of me. Feels surreal that we're at this point.
Thinking this guy may end up needing glasses! He had a bit of a meltdown earlier in the month, and one of the things he said during it was that he was "so stupid" and "couldn't even read good", so I recommended that we work on it together, and as he was trying to read, it just seemed like he was really struggling to figure out what the words really were. I had him try on Cashel's classes (which he NEVER wants to wear - grrr), and he immediately lit up. I've got an appointment for him in November for him (and also for Ryan), so we'll see how this ends up going!
Pedicure time! It's mostly the same, aside from having to wear a mask, and them having the plexiglass shields up. I'll champion self care to anyone who will listen. You have to take care of you, ESPECIALLY if you are in charge of taking care of everyone else. You can't be you if you don't care for yourself.
My little girlie absolutely ADORES being with her girl cousins. I wish she could have a sister, but I mean...that ship has sailed lol It's so fun seeing her be girly, and play with dolls and want to paint her nails and brush and fix hair. She loves to point out that "You're a girl, and I'm a girl, and Mom! We're two girls!" lol
♥
I have NEVER seen a kid love the water more than this one does. I can totally see him joining the swim team!
HOW did they grow up so fast?
I'm not going to lie - I bribed Kendrick with $20 so he would take that initial leap off the diving board this particular day. He has had a rough year, and he needed a "win". He was SO SCARED, and I knew he wouldn't be the second he went for it, so after 12 attempts at going, he finally did it, and BOY did I love seeing that self-confidence boost. Sometimes, bribery is for the greater good of us all ;)
This is why paint is only a sometimes thing lol
Continuing to kill it at the gym lately! In the shadows, there is beginning to lurk some definition! The strange part about it is that I've been asked on numerous occasions just how much weight I've lost, and I chuckle and say, "Umm...I've gained 10lbs, and I already had 30 to lose, so..." #MuscleWeighsMoreThanFat
So thankful for fun candles and cake picks lol I am not the best cake decorator in the county, and it's all box mix and canned frosting, but we'll take it! How is she 3?
She just HAD to rip all her presents open immediately, and it was just so cute to see how excited she was!
Birthday Girl!
#BirthdayVibes
The reason I don't use filters is because I don't think the original is that bad to begin with.
Favorite new mug!
I always like taking pictures of my kids with my DSLR on their birthdays. I may never get around to doing her 3 year recap, so here are a couple of my favorites.
Sassy!
Those fingers ♥
That hair lol
She was SO EXCITED about her "Elsa bed"!
These guys make the weary days and nights worth it all. ♥
Make a wish, cutie pie!
It's hard to believe that it was just at the beginning of this month that he still had a normal bed. By the month's end, he switched to a hospice bed, as his mattress was just too contaminated to continue sleeping on. The small milestones are sometimes the big ones for me.
Oh my goodness is he just a little ray of sunshine...sometimes lol
So, um, whoever told this little lady she could grow up like this...stop, please! Also, yes, I did finally get her to have the dress off long enough for me to trim up that train, because holy crap was that long!
It's blurry because we were having so much fun lol
Took this one just before a boot to the face. I'm working hard to help Kins Jo Pants understand that when you love somebody, you don't kick them and punch them and pinch them. I mean, I'm glad it's not out of anger, but still!
I love watching them be brothers ♥
Riverfest Fireworks were a HUGE hit this year!
The get along the best when they're exploring or playing video games. The problem with exploring is that they sometimes take things a little too far and have to be heavily supervised (hello, "let's build a treehouse!") lol
The boys had a pretty fun time fishing at the Riverfest fishing tournament this year with Uncle Daniel and Grandpa Kent! Cashel ended up with 3 bullheads on the morning, but Kendrick ended up skunked. Now, he just keeps asking me to take him fishing lol #IllCatchFishAllDayLong but... #MamaDontTouchTheFish
Maple Bacon Mini Doughnuts for breakfast? I don't mind if I do!
I love how he's eyeing that bullhead lol Like, "Don't you DARE even THINK about stinging me!" The first bullhead I ever had to take off the hook, I didn't know they could sting you, and it took a VERY long time to stop hurting.
Fun with friends after the pool had to close due to some human contamination (which, thankfully wasn't one of MY kids, because it's a great fear I have, for SURE!)
We don't get to catch up nearly often enough these days. Nance and I have been friends for 15 years - we met at college in Orange City.
I'm all "time to go to the parade, let's get ready!" Kinsley is all, "Did you say go play in puddles?" and Cashel is all, "Socks are the new shoes", and Ryan is all, "long pants are totally appropriate when it's 90 degrees out, right?" Kendrick sat down near his friend, basically being all Dan Ropte on us, and "You guys are such dorks!" lol
Just a little girl and her giant green pumpkin full of candy. They hid it all over the house after the parade and played trick or treat lol
This seriously never happens: They're always fighting about something, or at least someone is. It was a kodak moment to find them all just hanging out in the back yard.
We enjoyed running into our old neighbors at Riverfest. They moved early in the month to a town about 10 miles away from us. Randy is so great with the boys, and it totally made me ugly cry later on seeing this picture. I really appreciate the guys who have stood up and been good, manly influences on my boys.
One thing, as a Mom, that you have to really learn to give up is your expectations. I'm working on a post that is taking a VERY long time, about this exact thing. Our expectations are what ruin us. My expectation for this particular day was to drop the big boys off to go fishing and then take the littles home and go through clothes for the kids before school while the little two watch a movie or nap. How it ended up happening, however, was that they ran off, I had to chase them down, and then they ended up sitting down in the little ducky pond, getting completely soaked, and then spending the rest of the afternoon in the lake. I was so growly and grouchy and yelling and so, so, so frustrated. As a single Mom, I don't even have enough hours in the day to do the NORMAL things, but big, transitional things like that, I have to carve aside time for it. So yeah...I wasn't in a great mood. What's more? No one caught any fish, and the boys gave up after 20 minutes, and everyone claimed they didn't have "any fun". I know I'll miss these days, but man...
HOWEVER...as an aside, they DID have fun. I've overheard them talking about it here and there, and they DID enjoy their day.
When the boss man is away, the network fan gets loud and has to be replaced. This job is SO much more than just a developer job lol
I look at her so often and it still feels surreal. HOW is she MINE? Honestly, I go back to the days around when I found out I was pregnant with her, and the myraid tears I shed. I knew God knew I needed her, but I was so scared and so terrified. I was already in way over my head, I was ready to walk away from Mark because he was a completely different person than who I had married, and it just came at the wrong time...for me. But God knew. He knew. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without her. She brings a level of joy to the rest of us that we would have missed so much. She kept me sane during the worst parts of this battle to get a diagnosis and placement and then championing for him while trying to keep everyone thriving at home and at work. God knew. But I was so scared.
Couldn't even make it upstairs to the table before collaborating for a little Team Umizoomi and their Happy Meals.
Oh MAN is this accurate. Thankfully, I really don't struggle much with anxiety that is palpable, but when I am anxious about something, it's this, entirely.
I try my best not to let the inner geek come out often, but for some reason, this one just had me cracking up SO MUCH. Like...giggling off an on for over 15 minutes. I don't giggle at memes lol
This is my challenge these days. How it will all pan out, I couldn't tell you, but I'm enjoying sculpting my future, bit by bit.
Love this guy so much!
I made an impromptu decision to hit up Redwood Falls
Red-faced after a crazy adventure under the bridge where the water usually falls. We did a LOT of adventuring this particular weekend, and I think it's safe to say we ALL need a physical activity break after the month of August. #Memories
Written communication, for the win!
My girl Jill and I got away for an evening to unwind sans-kids for a bit, and it was so great! We both are looking forward to a repeat evening soon!
It really does amaze me that the more weight I gain, the smaller I look. I've struggled with self-worth and body image pretty much my entire life. (Being a 5'6" girl in the 5th grade will do that to ya). It feels good to be in a place where I'm really not freaking out about what the scale says and am way more focused on how I efel and how my clothes fit.
Isn't her ponytail the cutest? She NEVER lets me put one in, but this particular day it was SO HOT!
Adventure #2 of the weekend: A hike to Minneopa Falls! It wasn't nearly as daunting as I had envisioned, so that was really fun, actually.
They are so, so cute together most of the time. I don't want them to grow up, while simultaneously not being able to wait for them to grow up lol
I was pleasantly surprised to be able to go back in for an in-person visit with Mark (I thought it would be just a window one), but man, it was sobering to see his new bed.
I got to clip his fingernails and toenails during my visit. It was so nice to feel his skin for the first time in a while.
Another situation where I was in the fitting room thinking to myself, "I look so awful! Man - this was just a bad idea all around!" Then I get home and am scrolling through pictures and I almost don't recognize myself. I've spent so many years shaming my body that I never really saw myself for who I am. This is NOT how I want to raise my kids, especially my daughter, so I'm working on it.
Kendrick had a ROUGH day last week. So rough that I had to go pick him up early from his day program and burn some vacation time. We went home, and after he cooled down, we talked. He's struggling. He misses his Dad. His birthday was coming up, and it wasn't feeling special. He is so tired of being in this limbo that FTD creates. He said he wanted to make his OWN memory book like Cashel had from the ECFE program when he was a little guy, so we set to print out some pictures of his choosing and I cut out some pages for him to glue them onto. I don't know if it's good or bad or what it is for him to remember. I feel like I've accepted that Mark is gone, but he's stuck in this place between knowing he needs to love his Dad and forgetting that his Dad ever actually loved him.
While we were going through pictures, he came across this picture of Mark from before we had any kids and his deer. He wanted to hear all about it, and thought it was SO COOL that Daddy had gotten this deer.
So...I decided to bring out the old European mount deer head from the laundry room, and he couldn't stop gushing about it. I forget that they need pieces of Daddy to remind them. I forget that while it does me more good to put those things away, that they need to remember too. They want stories about their Dad, just like other kids have stories about THEIR Dads and all their accomplishments. They need to know that he wanted to build cars with them and get them into sprint car (dirt track) racing and take them to NASCAR races. They need to know about how he tore his ACL playing basketball in 2010 and how he was so brave and strong (and, really, kinda stupid) that he delayed his ACL surgery until after our trip to Hawaii. They need to know about the 10lb halibut that their Daddy reeled in on our Alaskan fishing adventure. They need to know which books Daddy read to them when they were little. They need to hear his voice and remember what it was like to be loved by their Daddy. They need to know that at one point, they mattered to him in a way that he could express it, and that he actually DID.
One thing is for sure, though, and that is that these boys have got our home protected and locked DOWN lol
I do not want this one to grow up at ALL these days.
Then (2016) and now (2020)
One of my favorite parts of summer!
I had a lot of help this year to get the corn froze. We ended up freezing about 7 dozen this year, using Mark's Grandma's recipe, which is always a big hit! Ryan helped too, but I forgot to get a picture of him.
The littles have been pretty big into the Picasso Tiles Cashel got for his birthday this year.
Kendrick's birthday was destined to be a flop this year, partly due to poor planning on my part, and partly due to people just being busy. He had his heart set on doing a party, but we weren't even sure if we'd have more than 1 kid come, so I made the spur-of-the-moment decision to do a gaming party with the two bigs and their friend Hudson in Sioux Falls at a place called "Galaxy Gaming". I had never heard of it, but it ended up being the perfect fit for them.
They got to go and play a variety of games on the X-Box one in this cool set up, and then played laser tag after that.
Little miss Kins got some Team Umizoomi stuffies for her belated birthday gift from Grandpa and Grandma and Aunt Jess. They are her favorites now.
Official birthday gaming time.
My very favorite sausages: Chicken maple. SO good, and half the sodium and fat as regular sausages.
It amazes me that Kendrick actually opened ALL of his gifts by himself this year! Every other year, the siblings "help", and there's usually a fair amount of fighting that ensues lol
Birthday pancakes for the birthday boy. He's pretty much the only person who had breakfast at all this day, as I picked up 3 other plates of pancakes that had tiny little nibbles later on.
While looking for something else in my bathroom closet, I came across two cans of Barbasol and thought to myself, "the kids would have fun with this, and they might even change their crappy attitudes around. Instead, I got this (with the happy side effect of changing attitudes. Such a mess!
The birthday boy specifically requested this for lunch. I've gotten in the habbit of substituting turkey smoked sausages for hot dogs when I make it, and the eat it right up!
Whackin' the piñata!
A great use for the face masks that my kids never have to use because they only ever go to daycare and home or to outdoor public places lol
I'm kinda hoping eventually she'll find it necessary to wear pants on a regular basis lol
Hey Sissy pants! lol
Kendrick always wants his cake to be in the 9x13 pan. He specifically requested this particular frosting, and I'm gonna be honest: This was such a delicious but gross looking cake. He was just so happy there was cake lol
Happy Birthday, Kendrick! Seven is big kid stuff! I forgot that I had gotten these masks, so, of course, we had to put them on, right?
My favorite pictures every birthday are of my kids blowing out the candles :) Behind the scenes: It took 3 different attempts to let KENDRICK be the one to blow them out. Cashel is kinda a little turd when it comes to birthdays and blowing out candles...
Seriously. Is that not the most disgusting looking cake you've ever seen? lol Kendrick insisted that it be a blue cake with that chocolate buttercream frosting, and I just...I couldn't even hardly eat it lol
It may have gotten a little dicey after the candles were out...
Honestly, this past weekend was exhausting. I'm so tired physically and mentally and my ear canal feels tired even, from listening to all the whining and fighting and yelling. I was FAR beyond grateful that the little two took LONG naps on Sunday afternoon, because I also got a short nap in, and then was able to get the laundry and dishes caught up and get a chunk of the kids' preschool registration forms ready to go. One thing is for sure: Once the kids are finally all ready for school and I don't have a to-do list a mile long, I fully intend to really relax. I can only hope that by that time, my Traveling Vineyard order is here and my kids haven't found some sort of science experiment to use all my epsom salts and bubble bath up.
