Fed Ex Flowers, a Hog, Gratitude and Help

I received some surprise tulips from a secret source last week at work. I've never gotten flowers via Fed Ex before, but they are beautiful and smell delicious and are so encouraging.

I can't really even begin to describe how many little (or rather, BIG) acts of kindness I've been shown lately. I was gifted an entire hog for the freezer, for goodness sakes, and cards in the mailbox many days. A friend from college just popped over with a HuHot gift card on Monday afternoon, after a group of college friends (her included) sent me care packages all through Christmas. I cannot even keep a running list anymore, if I'm being honest. Meals upon meals upon meals, goodies, sweet encouragement, taking me to lunch, devotionals, an encouragement card in my church mailbox each Sunday, and significantly more than even that. I'm humbled. Truly. Thank you, whoever you are!

I still am approached a few times a week by people trying to figure out how to help my family and I during these challenging days. Rest assured, I really am asking (or contemplating who to ask) many days.

I do feel a need to clarify, however, just a little bit. I had a conversation with a sweet lady from our church who asked how on earth could she help us, and I mentioned that I could use a calming influence to help put the kids to bed each night from around 7/7:30-8/8:30pm, as they get more and more crazy as the time goes on. Somehow we sorta skated around the topic of Mark at home, and that's when I realized what she was getting at: I think people are under the impression that HE is bothered by having other people in our home. And while yes, having a lot of extra people in our home can get him a little more agitated, for the most part, he is completely indifferent as to whether you are there or not. Having a large group of people would give him anxiety that might take a few days to calm down from, so that's not desirable, but a person or two from time to time, he seems to enjoy.

My reservation in having people come into our home while he is there has WAY more to do with being concerned about YOU being uncomfortable by his odd mannerisms and behaviors and things he says. So if YOU are prepared to handle rude comments and perhaps him saying strange things, or him smelling a little on account of him sweating continuously, or the offset possibility that he may go to the bathroom in the dark with the door wide and walk around in his boxer shorts and t-shirts that don't cover the bottom of his ever-expanding belly, well then by ALL means, feel free to come visit all you want.

I think those of you who HAVE come to visit have found that it's a little awkward, but perhaps not quite as awkward as you thought it might be. I think if you come with the mindset that Mark isn't overly interested in you or visiting at all, you'd be better off. He's scruffy (although I ordered him an electric shaver, which he has fought against for years, but now is agreeable to), tends to smell like B.O. (although he showers daily, he just sweats a lot as he has gained a lot of weight), and has very little desire to visit for long, but he does enjoy having visitors for short periods. You'd be more than welcome to come and just hang out at the house with him during the day, but he spends a LOT of time in bed, and that's where he prefers to be. You would likely feel like you're just hanging out by yourself in our house, and he may occasionally come out of the bedroom to say hi or to use the bathroom or get a snack. He doesn't feel the NEED to be social, but he doesn't seem to mind people being there as long as you mostly just let him be. You could come over and just hang out watching TV in the living room or something like that (or do dishes! ha!) and just let him do his normal thing. He doesn't like to be pressed, though, so the worst thing you can do is try to push him to do things he doesn't want to do. There are certain places he feels safer, and he likes to stay in his bubble, and while it doesn't seem healthy, he just really isn't in general right now, and that's only going to get worse over time, short of a miraculous healing. It definitely makes him agitated when you put pressure on him to do anything else right now, and we do NOT want to cause agitation, as it takes him quite some time to come out of it. I've been assured that it is very common with the disease to eventually experience paranoia and want to keep to yourself, and that isn't going to go away with coercion, so it's just best to let them be and help them to feel as safe and calm as possible.

It really is so very difficult for someone from the outside to understand or grasp what it's like, and it seems so isolating to react to things the way he does. But he assures me that laying in bed watching music videos and listening to music all day is what he feels is his very best life. The average person would consider that so boring and sedentary and depressing and what not, but it is what he loves, so we just let him be and make sure he has clean clothes and what not and let him be.

I've got another post in my head that needs to come out with more specifics, so stay tuned, hopefully within the next few days. I mean...if my kids would ever just go to SLEEP at night! haha :)

Waffles, Bacon and Leaves

We ate waffles and bacon for supper last night. Do you know what the funny thing is about that? I had the perfectly portioned, health-conscious marinated pork chops in the fridge, all ready to go. But when I thought about pork chops and my kids, I laughed and maybe snorted a little bit, so I pulled out a pound of bacon.

Once I had decided on supper, we played in the leaves as soon as we got home. We played in the leaves, and Cashel shoved leaves in my face, and we may have gotten leaf entrails in our eyes and had to fish them out. And Kendrick may have gotten trounced once, or maybe twice. (As an aside, that poor kid might just not make it out of his toddler years without some sort of scaring.)

You see, I've spent the past week and a half in a bit of a haze: A super grumpy haze where I feel like life is just so hard. So to be honest, last night surprised me about myself. But there's just something so magical about leaves, and a big pile of them just draws me in.

Kendrick wasn't overly interested in them, but rather for some unknown reason in our neighbor's yard: He ends up there every time. But the change from the entire past week to last night was that I didn't chase after him yelling and feeling stressed and strained and ready to just shove the kids in the house and give up. Instead, I chased after him, yelling, "I'm gonna get you!" and picked him up and gobbled him up.

It was one of those fun nights that just made me smile deep down in my heart. And then we had such a light, fun, giggly supper of sticky, buttery Belgian waffles (a total calorie-tracking nightmare) and bacon, and the boys were just FUN! We've also been doing this thing where we put our PJs on early and go downstairs, spend about 10 minutes jumping on Kendrick's bed, and then go out to the living area and I put on "I like to Move it Move it" and other really crazy, upbeat music and the boys just run around laughing. It has been SO good for my soul.

Life lately has been so heavy, between work being extremely demanding each day, and the boys being extraordinarily naughty and awful in the evenings, and Mark being gone in the evenings helping with harvest. This season of our lives -- This harvest season -- is always hard for us. And if I don't post about it here or on social media, it's because I don't feel it's helpful to spread the negativity. And also, I don't feel like I'm handling it very gracefully, so like my Mama taught me: If I don't have anything nice to say, then just don't say anything at all. Last week was almost unbearable, and I was yelling ALL the time: Practically screaming. ALLLLLL the time. Poor Cashel must've thought I hated him, and Kendrick probably wanted to go hide in a corner and cry. They (mainly Cashel, really) were being SO incredibly naughty: So this turn of events this week has been very, very good for the soul. I've needed more smiles and giggles and tickle-fests.

You just never know how the days (or even hours or minutes) will go when you have two little toddler boys running around, and you never know what kind of mood they'll be in. But I'm going to try to keep moving forward with this positivity.