Mark

Sometimes I need to remind myself of who Mark is; rather, I need to remember who he was before this.

I miss this man more than words can express. Sometimes I think I lose sight of why I am struggling so badly, and then I see these pictures and I know why. THIS is the man I've known and loved for the past 13 years. The problem is: The person I lay down next to at night every night is in the same shell of a body, but it's just not him.

THIS Mark was confident, positively joyful (so much so that it was contagious), and he genuinely adored his little family, and couldn't wait to spend time with them. He adored these little boys, and he couldn't wait to do fun things just to bring a smile to their faces. I know deep down inside, he still does: He beams the second we come in the door after the days he spends alone in our quiet home. He just has no idea what that looks like anymore.

Back in these days, I never had to hurry up and grab the camera to catch a special moment between Mark and his kids, because these moments were happening all the time.

He would take it upon himself to find fun with them, put on music for impromptu dance parties, take them for horsey rides, roll around with them on the floor, and chase them around and around the kitchen and living room partition.

It's cold out right now, but even when the weather would reach into the mid-30s, you'd find him ready and willing to get out there and go for a walk, pull the kids in the wagon or take them in the stroller, and half the time it was him urging me to just stop putting the supper dishes away and come join them.

We were so blissfully happy most of the time that it made people roll their eyes, and even on the worst of days, we both knew deep down inside that we were so fortunate to have what we had.

He would always push the boys to do a little more than I ever thought they were capable of. He'd stand just far enough away that if they fell, he could catch them, but that he wasn't actually helping them climb or crawl.

He'd be down on his hands and knees when they crawled to be at their level, and crouched down when they were learning to walk.

When family or friends needed help, he was there. When our church had work days, he'd go help out. When his Mom had five rental properties to keep up with, he'd lend a hand when he could, and he'd willingly volunteer to go over and shovel her sidewalks and blow snow at her house or mow her lawn as well as ours. There were a number of occasions when I'd wonder why he was taking 2 hours to blow our driveway out, and come to find that he did half the neighborhood as well with our little single-stage snowblower.

When I was pregnant with Ryan, I was just devastated some times because the boys only ever wanted Daddy to put them to bed, because he would spend upwards of 45 minutes reading to them, singing with them and praying with them. Wherever Daddy was, that's where you'd find these two.

He was hardworking, dedicated to a project, and would take things upon himself that even I wasn't quite sure he'd be able to do, but he would, and he'd do them well, and he'd seldom even ask for help, and certainly would never complain.

He was quick to jump in and help solve a problem, and loved to help the kids look at things in a different light and teach them life skills.

He absolutely adored showing the boys the ropes at the farm, taking them for tractor or 4-wheeler rides, and he was so excited to see Kendrick especially take such a huge interest in farming and tractors.

I maintain hope that there will still come a day where Mark will come out of this: I do know that our God is fully capable of doing more than we could ever ask or imagine in that regard. But even if he doesn't chose to, the time that he did give us Mark in his healthy state was so rich and full and wonderful that I can't even begin to sit here and not feel abundantly blessed.

So many people have asked what they can do to help out, and I am always so hesitant to know what to say, really. My main goal is to try to keep the status quo in our home pretty level so the kids aren't on quite the roller coaster ride I have been on this past year. They need normalcy and for the most part, their own beds and to be home and to feel consistency. They need to be near their Daddy, even if he's sick, although it's fair to say that sometimes we ALL need a break from his repetitiveness and OCD tendencies that are amplified with this sickness. They need to know that it's okay to be frustrated with him and angry and discouraged and that we have to work through those emotions: I need to know the same things. Sometimes, however, we just need a break. Our hardest times of the day are getting out the door in the mornings and going to bed at night, but beyond those short windows of stress, our days aren't so awful most of the time.

One thing I really CAN say, though, is that what helps me is to see you out there living your lives to their fullest. If you aren't, please, oh, please, oh please get help. If your family is struggling, or you're in a place in life where you cannot see joy, something is wrong, and it is okay to admit that!!!!!. I want each and every one of you to see what I see on a day to day basis. I want you to know the Lord in the capacity that I do. I want you to be able to stand so strong that even the worst of days cannot break your faith. Take your family vacations and enjoy them! Be overjoyed by a delicious cup of coffee. Post your gym selfies and the pictures of your pets and your crazy little kiddos and grandkiddos. Don't be so downtrodden for us! If you are feeling defeated or angry or frustrated or just plain depressed about what is going on in our lives right now, you really need to stop and think about why that is. I may be weary due to a lack of sleep from a baby on the verge of crawling (I'm looking at you, Miss Kinsley Jo), but I'm not down or depressed or angry right now, because I have grown so close to my Savior that I feel more energized than I have ever before in my entire life. Do you not trust that God is big enough to take care of it all? Because, oh, my friends, He is.

Today is a big picture kind of day, but you can guarantee that when I picked up my kiddos after work today and we had pizza and movie night, and I watched Kinsley continue to work on her crawling, and while I sit here listening to the loud whooshing wind of Mark's CPAP machine tonight, I feel blessed by each little detail. I mean...for the past week, both my oldest guy and my littlest guy are SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT! Today I choose joy. Today, my husband is alive, and while he may be sick, I can hold his hand, and our kids can crawl all over him, and he can read to Ryan, and tickle-wrestle with Kendrick (even if it's involuntary haha). He may not be the man I married, but in so many ways, he still is.

For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.
-Habakkuk 1:5