An Update

I forget, sometimes, that many of you are waiting with baited breath to hear how we're doing...how I'm doing...until I'm reminded of it by a few texts, and a few people asking when I bump into them. I feel like it has been months since Mark's diagnosis, and a lifetime that I've been living with him like this. Each day drags on, and each week feels so long. But yet, it has been 21 days: Three weeks.

Mark has been on his medication now for a little over 2 weeks, and I'm seeing only marginal improvement at this point. He is still extremely emotionally flat. He is still somewhat repetitive. He is still asking personal questions to most people he meets. He still has an obsession with death and people who have died and likes to talk about it a lot. He still eats 3 scrambled eggs and 2 pieces of toast most mornings, and even the suggestion to go out for breakfast is just not appealing to him. He HAS settled down significantly about his obsession with turning lights off, but he still will turn them off on occasion. He just isn't himself still, and I'm not feeling overly encouraged by the lack of progress.

We meet with meds management on Tuesday afternoon, and we're hoping to get more answers, as well as to try to see if we can do the Genesight test, which will tell us which meds would be most effective for Mark as well as the dosage. I would imagine there are other avenues to pursue, but this feels like the last straw for me, honestly, and I'm nervous that it just won't come.

I appear to be drowning to most people around me, I'm sure. Our life looks completely insane to outsiders, especially when it gets to be bedtime. Some nights, everyone sleeps great, but lately Kendrick has been up until at LEAST 9pm, and sometimes even 10pm, which leaves me REALLY annoyed and weary. The other boys push bedtime right up until 8pm, no matter what time we attempt to put them down to bed. Ryan and Cashel awake pretty refreshed, but Kendrick is our problem child right now. He's just this huge ball of energy and he will not settle down, and it's exhausting. If not for Kendrick's issues right now, the whole raising 4 kids in our circumstances would seem really, really easy. We're continuing to stick to a routine as best we can, but it's tough with the one who bucks the system.

Still, I've been so gradually adjusting to this level of insanity for a while now, and it doesn't feel as insane to me as it does to probably everyone else around me. Most days, it's only about an hour and a half of insanity for the day, which somehow feels manageable.

I've been seeing a counselor, which has helped tremendously. I've been able to make it to the MOPS meetings in Worthington every other Wednesday morning, and the "One in a Million" study by Priscilla Shirer at our church on Thursday mornings. My emotional and spiritual needs are being met, which is so important when I have a spouse who is incapable of showing emotion or showing love right now.

I feel...broken. I think it's fair to be broken in my space in life. But God is filling the cracks, and that's okay. It's okay to admit that you can't do it all, and well...I can't. I'm giving myself a bit of the grace I give to all those around me so regularly, and I can only hope those around me are able to give me that grace as well. I'm asking for help more than I ever have before, which is important. Still...I have a long ways to go.

For those of you looking for specific prayer requests:

• Pray that Mark's meds would bring him to a level where he can at very least be safer with his driving. He makes me SO nervous right now, although it does appear to be slowly improving. It would be so nice if he was able to just drop at least a couple of the kids off at daycare each morning so I can focus on getting ready and getting to work.
• Pray that my work load isn't quite as intense going back to work as it was when I was leaving. One project in particular was really wearing on me, and it'd be nice if I could put that to rest shortly after my return.
• Pray that Kendrick would begin to sleep better at night, and Ryan too. Between Kendrick never wanting to go to bed, and Ryan waking up and sleeping with us, kinda thrashing much of the night, my sleep quality hasn't been great. With Mark being how he has been, he sleeps right through it, and when I try to wake him up to deal with it, he just says, "no" and goes back to sleep.
• Pray that we would begin to see an emotional awakening within Mark. This is probably THE hardest part. He feels no emotional obligation or compassion for all that the rest of us are going through. It makes it very hard to get him to understand that when I ask him to do 2 minor things during the day and he doesn't do them, that it's a very big deal to me.
• Pray that I will continue to find the time to meet with the Lord upon my return to the working world next Thursday. I have seen this MAJOR difference between the days when I am able to find that time, and the days when I am not, and in order to keep this whole boat afloat, I have GOT to be in the Word each day. I have GOT to be reminded that it is our Lord that sustains us, and not me.
• Pray that Mark would be able to re-gain both motivation in general, as well as impulse control when it comes to his eating. It has gotten MAJORLY out of control lately, and I'm nervous about the health implications. He eats all throughout the day now, without even 20-30 minutes between snacks sometimes. Even with me home to at least attempt to curb his snacking, it doesn't work, so with me going back to work next week, and him sitting at home all day by himself, it won't be easy.

I'd better get to bed, now that Kendrick has finally dozed off. I'll try to update again once we meet with the meds management person on Tuesday next week.