The End

I don't even know how to begin to process today. I'm fully aware I'm still in shock at the moment, but the tears flow off and on, and the heaving chest from when I momentarily stop breathing with the realization bring me back to reality quickly.

Mark passed away early this morning. His battle with FTD has ended, and I cannot even begin to describe the emotions that come. I'm so, so relieved that he didn't go on to suffer the attrocities I've seen from so many other FTD patients face, and that he didn't linger on for many more years in pain and suffering. I'm so glad that he is now present with Jesus.

But I miss him tremendously.

I haven't known what to say all day. I've been texting and calling and trying to tell all the people, and I've failed miserably and I'm too tired to do more. I just need rest. Miss Kinsley woke me up at 2:49am last night, and I can't help but wonder if that's when the Lord called him home.

I don't know anything about arrangements yet - I will know more after meeting with the funeral director tomorrow afternoon.

The kids took the news extremely well - they haven't even skipped a beat just yet. Kendrick fell apart for a few minutes, sobbing uncontrollably, but then got up, got a glass of water and was fine. I've been checking in with the kids through the night, and while the little two will get really sad for a moment and say, "I miss Daddy, Mama. I miss him a lot", they then go about whatever it was they're doing. For Cashel, it's so apparent that he was perhaps even more ready than I was for this. I know the day will come that it hits him like a ton of bricks, but for today, he's just relieved.

I'm a mess, and then composed, and all of the things are swirling around in my head all at once. I hope tomorrow I can sort more of those things out, but for the time being, I just need time and space, and I'll have that tomorrow, considering the kids all want to just keep on going.

I've been beyond bombarded with messages and texts and phone calls and Polo messages, so many that I can't even begin to think about responding to all of them anytime soon. I truly appreciate the messages, but for the time being, I don't have any ideas as to what I need help with. The kids will just keep going to daycare, and I've got some time off work to figure it all out. I'm ready for rest; true, real, rest. I'm ready to actually lay in my bed for longer than 5 hours a night, and maybe not even get up aside from taking the kids to school. I have been on the go for so many years, that it's finally time for me to crash. So if I don't reach out or respond to your messages, just know that I'm fine, just doing a really good job of taking care of myself and working through what I need to do next.

It was a huge shock, considering I had just been to visit him on Sunday afternoon, and he was doing SO well, and was having SUCH a great day. I knew one day that the Lord would take him home, but I just wasn't prepared for that day being today. I have run that scenario through my head more times than you could imagine (and far more times than is probalby healthy), playing out all sorts of scenarios. How would he go? Would it be long and drawn out? Would I be by his side when he took his last breath? Would he pass like he did and I just get a call? Would it be an accident? Would it be horrific to witness? Would he be off and on for weeks and weeks to the point where I'm tired of sitting by his side waiting? The release of that fear and anticipation is palpable. But my body is still succumbing to the shock and numbness.

I'm too tired to even begin to think about typing more at this point. More soon, but at this time, I'm going to need some rest and some calm.

Rest in Peace, sweetheart ♥